Birth fathers

Birth Parent, Adoptive Parent - Whose Child is it Anyway?

Submitted by GuestBlogger on Mon, 08/30/2010 - 07:18

Our guestblogger chooses to remain anonymous. I want to thank her for allowing me to post her comment as a blog at Adoption Under One Roof.

I've always thought it was a little selfish to fight over the "ownership" (for lack of a kinder word) of a child. However your children came to your home is exactly what makes up your family history. My children will grow up knowing that they are my children and are loved as my children, and that before they came into their family they had/have a birth mother and extended birth family who loved, and loves, them dearly. They will know that there were unique situations that brought about the decision for adoption and that those reasons are nothing to be ashamed about, even for my two children who came home to us through foster care.

I also want to repeat something that a mother wrote on her family's blog. Her children came to her home biologically and through adoption. She pointed out that she never mentions to the outside world that some of her children were adopted but not because their adoptions are not open adoptions. She said something like, when she is introducing her children she doesn't say this is Amy, my adopted daughter, and Sam, my biological son. She simply says that these are my children, Amy and Sam. Her view point really made me think about how the term adoptive mother does not define who I am, it just describes how I legally became a mother. I am a mother and I am very thankful to my birth mothers (I do consider them to be mine too) for giving me the gift of motherhood. Likewise, I am thankful to my children for giving me the gift of being a mother. I did not birth any of my children, but I do think that if I had, I would still feel grateful to my children for the same thing.

Everyone has heard the phrase, "Donating sperm does not make you a father." Which I take to mean that the role of fatherhood makes you a father and that the same would go for being a mother. I also feel that a mother will do anything for her children, love and nurture them for the rest of their lives, and make great sacrifices for them. Asking another woman to be your child's mother is the greatest sacrifice I can think of and certainly is the role of motherhood. I also feel that loving your children, no matter how they came into your family, and making them feel valued as a family member and as a person is part of the role of motherhood. I hope that I never make my children feel as though they are not my children. I also hope that I never make them feel as though they are not the children of their birth mothers.

Expecting Mothers in Abusive Situations Considering Adoption

Submitted by FaithA on Mon, 08/23/2010 - 06:58

Pregnant in rain (c) Lynda BernhardtI don’t know how many expecting mothers in a crisis pregnancy read my blog, but I am going to write this in the hopes that at least a few do. I am writing this blog specifically for any woman in a crisis pregnancy who is considering placing her baby for adoption in the hopes of rescuing her baby from an abusive situation. You might have conceived the baby by incestuous rape or rape by a family “friend,” or you might be in an abusive relationship or have just gotten yourself out of one. For whatever reason, you are considering placing your baby for adoption because you want to protect your baby from a biological father who is abusive.

Let me begin by saying that, while I have not been in your shoes, I have grown up in an abusive environment, so I understand the strong need to save your baby from living in the same hell that you have. As a mother, I also understand the willingness to do anything to keep your baby safe. So, please hear me when I say that breaking the law by lying about the biological father during the adoption process is not going to protect your baby.

Lisa has been following the tragic story of Baby Vanessa on her blog:

The Battle Over Baby Vanessa Moves into the Courtroom

Submitted by LisaS on Tue, 08/10/2010 - 08:23

Montgomery County Juvenile Court in Dayton Ohio is the scene of the heated and media magnet custody battle over two year old Vanessa, placed for adoption with Stacey Doss two years ago by her birthmother Andrea Conley. At that time Conley said she had no idea who the birth father was, but the birthfather Benjamin Mills Jr stepped forward shortly after Vanessa was placed with Doss stating that he was the birth father (which he is) and the birthmother had lied (which she had) and now demands custody of Vanessa. He never gave consent for his daughter to be placed for adoption.

As mentioned in my previous blogs on this distressing and depressing situation, Mills, Vanessa's biological father, has a prison record for assaulting Conley (Vanessa’s birthmother); apparently he pulled out her hair and beat her up. Mills also has an outstanding charge of child endangerment against him; Mills has 5 other birth children but custody of none. His mother is raising some of his children and apparently she is willing to raise Vanessa as well. Additionally, Mills’s driver’s license has been suspended for failure to pay child support.

GUESTBLOG: Challenging Birth Family Reunion: Part I

Submitted by GuestBlogger on Mon, 08/09/2010 - 12:40

 

                              

Our guest blogger today has chosen to remain anonymous.

Meeting biological relatives face to face for the first time can certainly be a challenge for an adoptee. If you aren’t prepared to face reality it might be a bit of a rude awakening but yet still healing. All I knew before I connected with my half German and half English maternal half brother through letters and a few phone conversations years ago was that he was a manic depressive genius with an IQ of 160 who saw a shrink and took medication.

Turns out he is a gifted artist and musician like me and our grandfather; it is in our DNA. He told me our bio mother should have been on medication as she was depressed and abusive all her life. My bio mother may have become depressed even more after her divorce having to bring up a 10 year old boy alone and then getting pregnant and having to give me up for adoption. She ate alone as her anxiety made her gag and unable to swallow, something I also have inherited from her. I have anxiety and take medication for it. She died and my half brother disappeared and never contacted me again.

GUESTBLOG: Destiny's Tower

Submitted by GuestBlogger on Thu, 08/05/2010 - 12:10

Our GuestBlogger today is David Archuletta, the father of a wrongfully adopted son. His son was placed for adoption by his girlfriend; he was told that the baby was stillborn and not his. The child was his and now David is devoted to adoption reform in the U.S. He has published a book: "Odyssey of an Unknown Father: The Complete Book on Wrongful Adoption." To date he has yet to see his child.

David has a newly published novel: " Dying Swans Club / An Expose: A Rosie O'Donnell Funded Adoption Agency."  This novel explores the hidden reasons behind the closure of a Rosie O'Donnell funded Adoption Agency. "It is a story that reflects on the life of the author and a four year-old girl named Destiny. This child he considers the first victim of a wrongful adoption case."  This book is available for purchase here.

My name is Destiny Candelaria. I was born on September 24, 1997 in the Town of Pueblo, Colorado. This is where I lived until a few months after my fourth birthday. I have been with loving relatives ever since. Part of this story will explain why, but for now here is a just little of my past history:

I stand proud that part of my father's heritage includes American Navaho ancestry. I can feel it in this land and in my soul. This is the same dirt, “the people” [Navaho] once shared with the Ute and Comanche. Now we all stand united, forthright to cause, regardless if scattered by ruling winds.

Early on in my childhood I felt these same winds.It was a day in August of 2001 and my age just inside of four when I felt an upcoming storm of change. Its direction headed straight toward my upstart family. Sadly, being so young a “light tower” switched on by me would not aid us. In time, it had faded as a possible source of protection for a little brother – shortly thereafter the winds hit...

Update on Baby Vanessa’s Birthfather who is Fighting for her Custody

Submitted by LisaS on Fri, 07/30/2010 - 23:06

Baby Vanessa was adopted by Stacey Doss at birth and now the birthfather is contesting the adoption. Vanessa was to be returned to Ohio from her home with Stacey Doss in California but Doss managed to get a temporary emergency stay order so her daughter would not be placed in foster care in Ohio while the battle over custody ensues.

The birthfather, an unsavory character who has spent time in prison for domestic violence and also has an open case of child endangerment filed against him (he has four other biological children but has custody of none), apparently was harassing Vanessa’s birthmother, Andrea Conley at a bus stop. Conley supports the adoption of her daughter Vanessa by Stacey Doss and has filed a petition for a domestic violence civil protection order against Benjamin Mills, Jr.

Birthfather Still Fighting to Get His Daughter Back

Submitted by LisaS on Tue, 05/04/2010 - 22:47

Over a year ago, John Wyatt of Virginia became a father, but he has yet to hold his daughter in his arms. When his girlfriend became pregnant he declared his interest in raising the child. His girlfriend talked about adoption but he was opposed. She didn’t call him when she went into labor, and when he got suspicious raced to the hospital only to find that both mother and daughter had already checked out.

Apparently his daughter, born on 2/10/2009, was already being placed for adoption with a couple from Utah. Wyatt was too late, resulting in a battle between lawmakers in Utah and Virginia regarding the fate of baby Emma. In December (’09) a Stafford County (Virginia) judge awarded Wyatt custody of his daughter because he had sought custody five days before the adoptive couple filed adoption papers in Utah. The judge cited a kidnapping and ordered the state to bring Emma back from Utah. But officials in Virginia claim they lack the legal authority to follow the judge’s order.

Is a Birth Child Placed for Adoption Entitled to Death Benefits of Birth Mother?

Submitted by FaithA on Mon, 03/22/2010 - 08:09

Clock tower (c) Lynda BernhardtA reader wants to know if a birth child who was placed for adoption is entitled to the death benefits of his birth mother. The short answer is no. When a judge terminates the birth mother’s parental rights (TPR), in the eyes of the law, the birth mother and birth child cease to have any legal connection. The birth mother’s rights and responsibilities toward the child were forever terminated, so the birth mother has no responsibility whatsoever for the welfare of her birth child.

Because the birth child is no longer legally connected to the birth mother, he does not “benefit” from the birth mother’s death. He is not entitled to any death benefits, nor is he considered a “child” of the birth mother under her will or under intestate law (when a person dies without a will). Of course, a birth mother can choose to include a birth child in her will or death benefits.

New TV Show: “Life Unexpected”

Submitted by FaithA on Mon, 01/25/2010 - 07:42

Plant (c) Lynda BernhardtIf you liked the TV show Gilmore Girls and/or the movie Juno, then you will love the new CW TV series Life Unexpected. You will doubly love this show if you have any connection to adoption/foster care, which is why I am telling you about it!

Here is the basic storyline: Cate (played by Shiri Appleby) was a high school “nerd,” and Baze (played by Kristoffer Polaha) was a popular jock . They hooked up one night during a school dance and had a crisis pregnancy. Baze would not admit to having had sex with Cate at all, much less that he was the father, and he always assumed that Cate “got rid of it” until his almost-16-year-old birth daughter Lux (played by Brittany Robertson) showed up on his doorstep at the beginning of the pilot. Baze peaked in high school and is now an immature bar owner. Meanwhile, Cate went on to become a very popular morning disc jockey at a local radio station.

Cate placed Lux for adoption as a newborn with the foster care system and was assured that there was a long wait list for people wanting to adopt a blonde haired, blue eyed newborn. However, unbeknownst to Cate, Lux was born with a hole in heart and endured multiple surgeries during her first three years of life. By the time she was declared healthy, nobody wanted to adopt her as an older child, and she has lived her entire life in the foster care system.

Adopted Children's Birth Relatives Are Their People

Submitted by JuliaFuller on Mon, 01/18/2010 - 23:12

This is the promised continuation of “When a Birthparent Get Scammed They Lose a Child.”

We all understand that sometimes visitation is not in the best interest of the child. For example, if the birthparents are actively and currently involved with any type of addiction or illegal activity that is a sound reason to discontinue visitation. However, adoptive parents should still honor the agreement to send updates and pictures even if actual face-to-face visitation is not possible.

Unfortunately adoptive parents may not realize the affect they have on the lives and adoption choices of others. Recently, a young mother whom I have known personally for seven years wanted to place her unborn child for adoption. She went so far as to actually match twice and almost match a third time.