This is the promised continuation of “When a Birthparent Get Scammed They Lose a Child.”

We all understand that sometimes visitation is not in the best interest of the child. For example, if the birthparents are actively and currently involved with any type of addiction or illegal activity that is a sound reason to discontinue visitation. However, adoptive parents should still honor the agreement to send updates and pictures even if actual face-to-face visitation is not possible.

Unfortunately adoptive parents may not realize the affect they have on the lives and adoption choices of others. Recently, a young mother whom I have known personally for seven years wanted to place her unborn child for adoption. She went so far as to actually match twice and almost match a third time.

Our Guestblogger is Melissa Nilsen who resides in Minneapolis with her husband and two-year old daughter. She writes articles on open adoption and blogs about being a birthmother and mom. Check out her personal blog or read her articles on Tapestry Books on-line.

(Read part I here)

I recently went away for the weekend with a girlfriend and we called home to talk to our children as much as we talked to each other. I miss my daughter when I’m not with her and I watch her like a hawk when we’re together. If you’re a mother or are close to a mother, you know this routine. It’s hard to be away from your baby, especially a brand new infant.

As we established on Monday, open-adoption seems the clear choice for birthparents. When a birthchild is first born, he feels very much like the birthparent’s real child. How can a birthmother be expected to sever all ties and walk away? But birthparents are not the only people to consider in the adoption triad.

Many adoptive parents worry, and rightly so, about the practicality of open adoption. They wonder: What if I don’t like my baby’s birthmom? What if the birthmom doesn’t like us? What if she doesn’t like the way we parent? What if she changes her mind? What if she violates our boundaries?

As a mother of two years, it is hard for me to imagine looking at my beautiful child as she sleeps, feeling all that overwhelming love that a parent feels for her child, and imagining someone else out there who feels the same way about her. How, I’ve often asked myself, would I handle a woman coming to see my daughter with the same kind of love and anticipation with which I seek out my own child?

Would I be able to “share?”

Unfortunately, there are no guarantees in open-adoption. An open-adoption is dependent on the personalities of each person involved and is, therefore, subject to a million different possible influences. In other words: some go better than others. Even though my open-adoption was a tremendous success, I cannot promise that any other open-adoption will be successful.

But my birthdaughter’s mother Sandy and I have come up with these few rules, guidelines and factors that are consistent with successful open-adoption.

1. Open-adoption is not co-parenting. The adoptive parents are the parents. No part of the open-adoption relationship should undermine the adoptive parents’ roles as parents.

2. There must be mutual trust in the open-adoption relationship. Before entering into an open-adoption, the birthmother and the adoptive parents need to feel enough trust for each other. The birthmother must be able to trust that the adoptive parents will honor their promises to involve her; and the adoptive parents must be able to trust that the birthmother will not change her mind.

3. If there is not full trust, adoptive parents cannot bond appropriately with their new child. If a birthmother is unreliable and is wavering in her decision to place her baby, adoptive parent end-up in constant fear that their adoption might fall through and as a result, they hold back emotionally, afraid to fall in love with a baby they may lose.

Our Guestblogger today is Marjorie Shaw, an adoptee in a closed domestic adoption. You can read her novel on our website on Mondays and Fridays.

I just wish my aparents (adoptive parents) had known how to talk to me about being adopted. It is so important for an adoptee to hear real answers to their questions about who they are and have it acknowledged by their adopters (adoptive parents) that they have a real (I know this is hard for adopters to hear) mother and father and extended family that are missing in their life. Adoptees will want and need to know who they take after and especially where and who their natural mother is and what she looks like and where she comes from.

When an adoptee looks in a mirror they need to know that they look like their DNA ancestors in so many important ways: same eyes, same talents, same personality (good or bad), same taste in clothes, food etc and on and on. It is so important for an adopter not to lie to them and force them to believe they are the same as their adopter and adoptive relatives...that hurts the child's sense of self. The adoptee is a reflection of all their genetic relatives plus adoptive relatives.

Examine and work your case plan!  Working through your case plan is the single most effective way to get your children back from foster care.  It is important to follow the plan closely, and to not just start the items but to complete each item in the plan.  A caseworker is not going to be impressed that you merely signed up for parenting classes; they will be impressed after you complete them. 

Keep in contact with your worker.  Don’t dodge phone calls, and don’t skip appointments!  Take any and every chance of contact, as a chance to show your worker how far you have come, and how well you are doing.  Ask your worker what else you could be doing to improve your home life and parenting skills to help bring your children home.  Your worker needs to see that you are committed to changing the bad habits that initially caused your family to be separated and that you are focused completely on your children and their well-being. 

Don’t be afraid to ask for help.  They may have removed your children, but your worker it not the enemy.  If you are having trouble completing part of your case plan, or making it to appointments, get in contact with your worker.  Do not whine and make excuses for yourself, which will only show your worker that you are still not ready to take responsibility for yourself and your children.  Instead let your worker know that you are having trouble and need assistance to solve the matter.  If you do not have transportation to get to appointments, your worker can help you find someone to take your, or even take you him or herself.  Admitting that you need help to complete your plan, without whining or placing blame, shows your worker that you understand what you can and cannot handle on your own, and that you know when to step back and seek assistance to complete a difficult task at hand.