Recently I shared that I completed a successful birthmother search for my adopted daughter. Since posting that blog I’ve received questions regarding how to do the search and which searcher to use.

Regardless of which country you are searching in to find your child’s birthmother* take the time to ask yourself a few questions before you begin a birthmother search. By doing this you will perhaps prevent heartbreak and stress up the road.

1. Why are you doing the search? Has your child asked you to search for her birthmother or have you taken the initiative? Are you just curious or is this a serious enterprise?

2. Are you going to tell your child about the search only if it is successful of if it is a failure as well?

3. What knowledge do you want to gain from this search? Personal information? Medical information? Continued contact? 

4. Finding a birthmother will be emotionally and possibly physically traumatic for the birthmother, particularly if the adoption was intentionally closed. As the person who has initiated the search, you are setting off a chain of events that cannot be reversed. Can you handle the responsibilities that will accompany this birthmother search?

5. Searches in some countries, like Guatemala for example, can be dangerous for the searcher. Are you ready for the responsibility of paying someone to do something dangerous?

If you liked the TV show Gilmore Girls and/or the movie Juno, then you will love the new CW TV series Life Unexpected. You will doubly love this show if you have any connection to adoption/foster care, which is why I am telling you about it!

Here is the basic storyline: Cate (played by Shiri Appleby) was a high school “nerd,” and Baze (played by Kristoffer Polaha) was a popular jock . They hooked up one night during a school dance and had a crisis pregnancy. Baze would not admit to having had sex with Cate at all, much less that he was the father, and he always assumed that Cate “got rid of it” until his almost-16-year-old birth daughter Lux (played by Brittany Robertson) showed up on his doorstep at the beginning of the pilot. Baze peaked in high school and is now an immature bar owner. Meanwhile, Cate went on to become a very popular morning disc jockey at a local radio station.

Cate placed Lux for adoption as a newborn with the foster care system and was assured that there was a long wait list for people wanting to adopt a blonde haired, blue eyed newborn. However, unbeknownst to Cate, Lux was born with a hole in heart and endured multiple surgeries during her first three years of life. By the time she was declared healthy, nobody wanted to adopt her as an older child, and she has lived her entire life in the foster care system.

Patricia Dischler is the author of "Because I Loved You: A Birthmother's View of Open Adoption", a speaker, child care professional and birthmother. Read more from Patricia here.

I recently saw the movie “Blind Side” with my husband. Aside from the great message that when a child is given the chance, they can go on to successful lives, I was particularly touched by one scene. The mother in the family that took in the boy, Leigh Anne Touhy, played beautifully by Sandra Bullock, has decided she wants to gain guardianship of Michael. But before doing so, Leigh Anne finds his mother. This scene not only took me by surprise, it left me examining my own feelings of respect towards birthmothers.

In one of Faith’s recent blogs, she reported that her son had said “I don’t want to talk about it anymore,” when he no longer wanted to continue the conversation about the sad passing of his birthmother. This is a standard response from an adopted child of his age and parents would be wise not to push their child even one iota beyond what their child can handle. Faith’s son is in grade school.

Younger children, such as my daughter who is 4 years old, may simply say, “I’m done,” or just jump off your lap and walk away when they want the conversation about birth parents to end. I recently received updated information about my daughter’s birthmother that I shared with Ella.. I knew the instant the conversation was over.

 That’s enough,” she said, and bounced off my lap.