birthmother died

My Adopted Child’s Reaction to the Death of his Birth Mother

Submitted by FaithA on Mon, 01/11/2010 - 07:16

Brown flowers (c) Lynda BernhardtLast week, I shared that my adopted child’s birth mother (T) passed away. On Monday, I talked about hub’s and my reaction to the news. On Wednesday, I talked about how I told my eight-year-old son the news. Today, I would like to focus upon my son’s reaction.

My son is an immature eight-year-old, and he does not generally think about things too deeply. He lives in the moment, and he prefers not to talk about things that make him sad. This was his reaction when his grandmother passed away in 2008.

After I told my adopted child about his birth mother passing away, he did not want to talk about it anymore. I said that she loved him and will always love him, even from heaven, and I pointed out that it was a blessing that she spared him from losing his mother during his kindergarten year. I said that it is okay to talk with me about how he is feeling anytime he wants.

I then emailed his teachers and school counselor with the news. I asked them to keep an eye out for any changes in behavior. I also asked the school counselor to meet with him in case he needed to talk. By all accounts, this news made no difference in his behavior at school.

However, my son has been processing the news. I know this because he keeps asking me questions and making comments about it.

Talking with Adopted Child about Birth Mother’s Death

Submitted by FaithA on Wed, 01/06/2010 - 07:10

Stone staircase (c) Lynda BernhardtOn Monday, I shared that my adopted child’s birth mother passed away three years ago. Hub and I did not learn this information until last year. Both of us were devastated by the news. I had been compiling packages with pictures and artwork and also writing letters to my son’s birth mother since his birth, and I had grown to love her through this. Learning of her passing felt like losing a member of the family (which is exactly what it was).

Hub and I could not agree on whether or when to tell our adopted child about his birth mother’s passing. There was really no urgency since she had been gone for almost two years at the time we learned about it. However, I believed that our adopted child had a right to know. Also, I did not want to continue fostering his love for this woman and desire to meet her one day, only to drop the bomb in adulthood that she was dead.

I made an appointment with my therapist for advice. He said to wait until my son is ready to hear the news, and that won’t be at any particular age. Instead, let the topic come up naturally in conversation, such as when he asks about when he can see her. Soon after this appointment, my mother-in-law passed away suddenly, so our focus shifted to dealing with that huge issue in our lives. None of us was having conversations about adoption during this dark time.

My son would ask questions about his birth parents from time to time, but they were always basic questions that had nothing to do with seeing them again. Then, the time came a couple of weeks ago when my son asked me outright when he can see his birth parents.

When your Adopted Child’s Birth Mother Dies

Submitted by FaithA on Mon, 01/04/2010 - 07:59

Seashore (c) Lynda BernhardtToday, I am going to share some news that I have been keeping private for over a year – my adopted child’s birth mother passed away. Hub and I were devastated when we got the news, and, under the advice of a therapist, chose not to share this information with our adopted child until he was ready to hear the news. So, I chose not to go public with this information until my son knew himself. Now that he knows, I would like to talk about this very important (and painful) topic. Today, I will talk about how we found and our reactions. On Wednesday and next Monday, I will talk about my son’s reaction.

As you might remember, I got very upset last year when I found out that our adoption agency was closing. Our adoption agency had promised us that, when my adopted child turned 21, the adoption agency would facilitate a reunion with his birth family. I had been counting on this and looking forward to that day. I had talked about the birth parents with my son and did all I could to foster loving feelings toward them. If my son wanted to reunite with his birth family, I planned to be right there by his side. I wanted to give his birth mother (T) a huge hug and thank her for enabling me to be a mother.

All of those dreams were going down the toilet with the adoption agency closing. I tried frantically to get his adoption records (which were otherwise sealed) before they got “lost” or thrown away. In the middle of this chaos, amyadoptee emailed me and offered to find my son’s birth parents. She is really great at what she does and found both of them within days. Unfortunately, she found T in a cemetery, which was almost as upsetting to her as it was to me.