Mrs. Turner came to visit her son Tony for dinner, who lives with his female roommate, Michelle...

“Well, I doubt it,” Tony replied, “ but I'll email her, just to be sure.”  So Tony sat down and wrote the following:

Mess Test: Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet flowerbed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer. 

Toy Test: Obtain a 55-gallon box of Lego's. (If Lego's are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream. (This could wake a sleeping child.) 

Grocery Store Test: Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight, preferably within arms reach, and pay for everything they eat or damage. 

Dressing Test: Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside at all times.

Feeding Test: Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with milk, or watered down pudding. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Then dump the contents of the jug on the floor, being sure to splash a healthy amount on the walls as well.

 1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .

'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.'

'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!'

'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me .'

Teenager (noun)

1) A mammal found extensively throughout the planet, often clustered in groups in front of television sets, often with couches growing out of their backs, candy and snack wrappers are attracted to them, yet they have remained collectively ignorant as to why this occurs. Thought to be a member of Homo Sapiens due to physical similarities, though social and emotional behavior leads many researchers to consider Teenagers to be a completely different species altogether. Extremely territorial.

Teenagers are extraordinarily social animals, seeking contact with their peer groups to such a great extent they will forgo family, chores, food, and responsibility. The males, the more odiferous of the species, forage for food constantly and can consume five times their weight in snack cakes daily. They tend to be rather drab, even when in full plumage, identified by loose fitting garments, which slide off their backsides and look ridiculous while displaying a puffy, and sometimes colorful rear undergarment display.