Friday Funnies

Friday Funnies: When Your Child Begins Experimenting with Makeup

Submitted by JuliaFuller on Fri, 12/11/2009 - 05:15

If you have makeup in the house, eventually your child is going to experiment with it. If your bathroom routine in the morning involves putting on makeup and your toddler watches you, then that experimenting may begin at a very young age. I really do not use much makeup, if I do apply any it is usually mascara and some lip balm. My adopted daughter began asking me to apply mascara to her eyelashes by the tender age of two. Being the overindulging older parent, I complied. I have adult children who are 26 years old and grandchildren the same age as my adopted daughter. Since, for the most part, I am a stay at home parent I have plenty of time to amuse and mentor my cherished toddler. She wants to be with me constantly, and doing exactly what I am doing. While this may have annoyed me a little in my younger days, I cherish the moments now. I was a little surprised when she began expertly applying mascara all by herself a couple of months ago.

Friday Funnies: What Is a Grandmother

Submitted by JuliaFuller on Fri, 10/30/2009 - 01:28

Friday FunniesWhat is a grandmother from the eyes of a third grade student. A grandmother does not have any children of her own. She has nothing to do except be there. Grandmothers are so old that they should not run or play hard. They should slow down at pretty leaves, flowers, and caterpillars when taking us for walks. They never say hurry up. Their purses have enough change for us to ride the pretend horse at the grocery store as many times as we want.

Friday Funnies: Never Lie to Momma

Submitted by JulieC on Fri, 05/08/2009 - 10:19

Friday FunniesMrs. Turner came to visit her son Tony for dinner, who lives with his female roommate, Michelle...

During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty her son’s roommate was.  Not a fan of living together or sex before marriage she had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact with each other, she began wondering if there was more going on between Tony and his roommate than met the eye.
 
Reading his mom's thoughts, Tony quickly volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Momma, Michelle and I are just roommates, and good friends.”
 
About a week later, Michelle came to Tony saying, “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?”

“Well, I doubt it,” Tony replied, “ but I'll email her, just to be sure.”  So Tony sat down and wrote the following:

Friday Funnies: Mark and His Mom

Submitted by JulieC on Sat, 03/14/2009 - 00:11

Friday FunniesWhile all of his friends were already married, 29 year old Mark still found himself dating girl after girl, and nowhere close to settling down.  One night while having drinks with a friend, the friend finally worked up the nerve to prod Mark a bit about his predicament.  “What’s the matter with you man?” he began, “why haven’t you settled down yet?  Are you really that particular?  You should have found someone by now.”

Mark let out a long sigh, “No, I’m not that particular.  I have found a ton of great girls, you see, but every time I bring them home to meet my parents, my mom just hates them, so I dump them and start the process all over again.  It’s just terrible.” He spoke, sighed again, and then took a long swig of his beer.

Are You Ready for Children?

Submitted by JulieC on Sat, 03/07/2009 - 00:42

Friday FunniesMess Test: Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet flowerbed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer. 

Toy Test: Obtain a 55-gallon box of Lego's. (If Lego's are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream. (This could wake a sleeping child.) 

Grocery Store Test: Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight, preferably within arms reach, and pay for everything they eat or damage. 

Dressing Test: Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside at all times.

Feeding Test: Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with milk, or watered down pudding. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Then dump the contents of the jug on the floor, being sure to splash a healthy amount on the walls as well.

You Know You’ve Settled Into Parenting When...

Submitted by JulieC on Fri, 02/27/2009 - 23:55
    Friday Funnies
  • You no longer cringe at the idea of germs when your child shares food with the dog, but breathe a sigh of relief that the concept of sharing actually exists within your child’s reality.
  • Instead of cheerily saying “folded and in your dresser” or “hung up in your closet” you tiredly utter, ‘look in the laundry basket by the dryer,” when your child is looking for clothes.
  • Instead of freaking out the moment your child is out of sight, you start encouraging him or her to “go play outside for just a little bit, because mommy needs a minute.”
  • Instead of rushing to replace the dropped cookie with a new one, you pick it up blow on the side that hit the floor, proclaim when you last cleaned the floor, and plop the cookie back on your child’s plate.

Friday Funnies: Things Only Your Mother Can Teach You

Submitted by JulieC on Fri, 02/13/2009 - 18:48

Friday Funnies 1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .

'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.'

 
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
'You better pray that will come out of the carpet.'
 
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL .

'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!'

 
4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
' Because I said so, that's why.'
 
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .

'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me .'

Friday Funnies: Family Stress Test

Submitted by JulieC on Fri, 01/16/2009 - 22:59

Friday FunniesHow to score: 0 if the statement is never true, 1 if it is rarely true, 2 if it is sometimes true, and 3 if it is always true.

 

1. ___ Conversations often begin with "Put the gun down, and then "we can talk."

2. ___ The school principal has your number on speed-dial.
3. ___ The cat is on Valium and Xanax.

4. ___ People have trouble understanding your kids, because they learned to speak through clenched teeth.

5. ___ You are trying to get your four-year-old to switch to decaf.

Definition of a Teenager

Submitted by JulieC on Fri, 01/09/2009 - 23:35
Friday FunniesTeenager (noun)

1) A mammal found extensively throughout the planet, often clustered in groups in front of television sets, often with couches growing out of their backs, candy and snack wrappers are attracted to them, yet they have remained collectively ignorant as to why this occurs. Thought to be a member of Homo Sapiens due to physical similarities, though social and emotional behavior leads many researchers to consider Teenagers to be a completely different species altogether. Extremely territorial.

Teenagers are extraordinarily social animals, seeking contact with their peer groups to such a great extent they will forgo family, chores, food, and responsibility. The males, the more odiferous of the species, forage for food constantly and can consume five times their weight in snack cakes daily. They tend to be rather drab, even when in full plumage, identified by loose fitting garments, which slide off their backsides and look ridiculous while displaying a puffy, and sometimes colorful rear undergarment display.

Friday Funnies: Murphy's Laws of Parenting

Submitted by JulieC on Sat, 01/03/2009 - 01:35

Friday Funnies1. The tennis shoes you must replace today will go on sale next week.

2. Leakproof thermoses...eventually will.

3. The chances of a piece of bread falling with the grape jelly side down is directly proportional to the cost of the flooring it is landing upon.

4. You will remember it is trash day when you hear the garbage truck one house away.

5. The garbage truck will be two doors past your house when the argument over whose turn was is to take out the trash ends.

6. The shirt your child must wear today will be the only one that needs to be washed and/or mended.