humor

Friday Funnies: What Is a Grandmother

Submitted by JuliaFuller on Fri, 10/30/2009 - 01:28

Friday FunniesWhat is a grandmother from the eyes of a third grade student. A grandmother does not have any children of her own. She has nothing to do except be there. Grandmothers are so old that they should not run or play hard. They should slow down at pretty leaves, flowers, and caterpillars when taking us for walks. They never say hurry up. Their purses have enough change for us to ride the pretend horse at the grocery store as many times as we want.

Friday Funnies: Never Lie to Momma

Submitted by JulieC on Fri, 05/08/2009 - 10:19

Friday FunniesMrs. Turner came to visit her son Tony for dinner, who lives with his female roommate, Michelle...

During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty her son’s roommate was.  Not a fan of living together or sex before marriage she had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact with each other, she began wondering if there was more going on between Tony and his roommate than met the eye.
 
Reading his mom's thoughts, Tony quickly volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Momma, Michelle and I are just roommates, and good friends.”
 
About a week later, Michelle came to Tony saying, “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?”

“Well, I doubt it,” Tony replied, “ but I'll email her, just to be sure.”  So Tony sat down and wrote the following:

Friday Funnies: Family Stress Test

Submitted by JulieC on Fri, 01/16/2009 - 22:59

Friday FunniesHow to score: 0 if the statement is never true, 1 if it is rarely true, 2 if it is sometimes true, and 3 if it is always true.

 

1. ___ Conversations often begin with "Put the gun down, and then "we can talk."

2. ___ The school principal has your number on speed-dial.
3. ___ The cat is on Valium and Xanax.

4. ___ People have trouble understanding your kids, because they learned to speak through clenched teeth.

5. ___ You are trying to get your four-year-old to switch to decaf.

Definition of a Teenager

Submitted by JulieC on Fri, 01/09/2009 - 23:35
Friday FunniesTeenager (noun)

1) A mammal found extensively throughout the planet, often clustered in groups in front of television sets, often with couches growing out of their backs, candy and snack wrappers are attracted to them, yet they have remained collectively ignorant as to why this occurs. Thought to be a member of Homo Sapiens due to physical similarities, though social and emotional behavior leads many researchers to consider Teenagers to be a completely different species altogether. Extremely territorial.

Teenagers are extraordinarily social animals, seeking contact with their peer groups to such a great extent they will forgo family, chores, food, and responsibility. The males, the more odiferous of the species, forage for food constantly and can consume five times their weight in snack cakes daily. They tend to be rather drab, even when in full plumage, identified by loose fitting garments, which slide off their backsides and look ridiculous while displaying a puffy, and sometimes colorful rear undergarment display.

Friday Funnies: Murphy's Laws of Parenting

Submitted by JulieC on Sat, 01/03/2009 - 01:35

Friday Funnies1. The tennis shoes you must replace today will go on sale next week.

2. Leakproof thermoses...eventually will.

3. The chances of a piece of bread falling with the grape jelly side down is directly proportional to the cost of the flooring it is landing upon.

4. You will remember it is trash day when you hear the garbage truck one house away.

5. The garbage truck will be two doors past your house when the argument over whose turn was is to take out the trash ends.

6. The shirt your child must wear today will be the only one that needs to be washed and/or mended.

Friday Funnies: Things Your Mom Would Never Say...

Submitted by JulieC on Sat, 12/06/2008 - 02:06

Things Your Mom Would Never Say...

 

Friday Funnies

  • How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?
  • Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too.
  • Just leave all the lights on ... it makes the house look more cheery.
  • Let me smell that shirt. Yeah, it's good for another week.
  • Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to feed and walk him every day.
  • Well, if Timmy's mom says it's OK, that's good enough for me.
  • The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not like I'm running a prison around here.

Friday Funnies: A TEENAGER IS...

Submitted by JulieC on Fri, 11/14/2008 - 11:15

A TEENAGER IS...Friday Funnies

 
  •  A person who can't remember to walk the dog but never forgets a phone number.
  • A weight watcher who goes on a diet by giving up candy bars before breakfast.
  • A youngster who receives her allowance on Monday, spends it on Tuesday, and borrows it from her best friend on Wednesday.
  • Someone who can hear his favorite singer 3 blocks away but not his mother calling from the next room.
  • A whiz who can operate the latest computer without a lesson but can't make a bed.
  • A student who spends 12 minutes studying history and 12 hours studying for her driver's license.

Friday Funnies

Submitted by JulieC on Fri, 10/17/2008 - 23:46

SmileA married couple went to the hospital together to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father.

He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the knob to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.