Dissolving an adoption is a serious decision. Most states consider a parent’s choice to dissolve an adoption as child abandonment. Child abandonment is considered child abuse; therefore, your name will go on the state Child Protective Service Registry as an offender. Having your name on a state CPS registry as an offender means that you cannot work with children anywhere that requires a CPS clearance. Some examples of things you may no longer be able to do are Boy or Girl Scout Leader, Daycare provider, Little League coach, adopt, or provide foster care. The state usually considers the fact that you adopted a challenging child with severe behaviors as irrelevant. Adoption is serious business. Once you adopt a child, any child no matter how damaged, it is as if you gave birth to that child.

I understand your feelings of frustration because I have parented many challenging children over the years. I know it isn’t fair, especially when you did not cause your child’s problems. However, this is the way it usually is. Some people have had success with another option, but it is a long and difficult road. Of course, you are already familiar with that path, or you wouldn’t be hear, right. 

I avoided saying, “I love you,” to the first few foster children that came to stay with us, until I felt love. I felt like a phony saying it if I didn’t mean it. I thought that being older children they would see through the lie. However, every child needs to hear “I love you.” Especially those who may have either never heard it said, or heard it in words, but the actions said something different. In hindsight, I don’t think the teenagers would have seen through it.

Later, when I read the definition of the word, love, I realized that I could have said it all along without lying. The Encarta Dictionary has several definitions for love. A few of the definitions do not involve a warm fuzzy feeling. Instead, they involve the act of caring for another person and meeting that person’s needs. By that definition, you love every child that spends time in your home, not matter how short the time. So, tell new children that you love them.

Are you experiencing setbacks or difficulties in your adoption journey? Have you shared your problems with your adoption friends, agencies, or caseworkers? First, sharing your problems can lighten your personal load, even if your friends can just listen and offer encouragement and support. When you share with friends who have also experienced adoption, they usually share similar stories, because they have been there. Realizing that others have shared your journey can make you less anxious about the process. In addition, an experienced adoption friend might realize that you have a real problem. Also, you never know, who might be in a position to help you, even when you don’t expect it.

Over the past two years of blogging about adoption, I have made quite a few adoption friends. We maintain internet friendships, although we have never met in person. A friend I made from the other adoption site where I blogged and I have been corresponding about her adoption journey. She has been pursuing a homestudy for the entire time I have known her. The homestudy has never been completed, although she thought she was matched with an older sibling group.

Faith wrote a blog in February about Christian Perspective of Adoption in the Bible. I really enjoyed how she gave the adoption details of Jesus’ family tree, which of course, included some adoptions of non-Jews. As Faith pointed out, these gentile women were esteemed by God, to be worthy of belonging to the family tree of Jesus. This is where Faith found Biblical support for pursuing a private adoption. She didn’t feel that the commands to look after orphans and widows applied to her circumstances of private adoption. I understand her reasoning and I am sure that many have identified with her words. May I point out that there was a time in history, when infants and children who could not be parented by their birth parents were placed in orphanages unless someone came forward to parent them.

 

Here is a quote from Faith’s blog.

 

I think that Jesus' lineage captures what adoption is all about. It did not matter where these women were born. What matters is that they became part of the family. Not only were they part of the family, but they were important enough to be two of the very few women mentioned in Jesus' lineage, which is saying something in a culture that did not value women.

 

I am continuing my tour of African countries where intercountry adoption is possible. I started with Nigerian adoption (Western Africa) then moved to Zambian adoption (Southern Africa). Just to be confusing (grin) I went back to Western Africa and visited Ghanan adoption.

FosterMommy pitched in and asked, Can Your U.S. Family Adopt a Baby From Cameroon? (borders Nigeria)

Now I want to visit Ethopia. It is an amazing country. I had to read Wikipedia's Ethiopian history several times. It is one of the world's oldest countries and converted to Christianity in the 400s. There was a Muslim migration to the area in the 900s. And then there is this:

Human settlement in Ethiopia dates back to prehistoric times. Fossilized remains of the earliest ancestors to the human species, discovered in Ethiopia, have been assigned dates as long ago as 5.9 million years.

Most new parents look forward to the end of the day, specifically their children’s bedtime, as it means that they can finally rest their weary bones for a spell, before starting their new and exhausting parental routine all over again the following day. Newly adoptive parents, have a few reasons to be a little nervous about the ‘bedtime routine.’ Especially if they have never read a bedtime story to a child before.

Before falling asleep at night, we are left lying in bed in the dark with nothing but our thoughts in our head. For those who have recently suffered trauma, or great upheaval in their lives, being alone with their thoughts is about the last thing they want to do!

Bedtime stories give your new child something else to think about, they can immerse themselves into a fantasy world where the pains of reality do not exist. They can help to relax your newly adopted child, and help him or her to feel more at ease in their new home. Reading a bedtime story to your newly adopted child is also a great chance for the two of you to begin bonding with one another.

So how do you go about reading a good bedtime story?

Hey Look! The Happy Book author: Snip Francis,Melanie Gilbert asin: 1890616222

Liar, liar, pants on fire! We are all guilty of little white lies from time to time, however lying can be a serious behavior problem for many older adopted children, and traumatized children. Children become extremely charged after experiencing trauma; such as suffering from abuse, neglect, or being removed from the only family that they have ever known. Live in a constant aroused state of fear, and anxiety lying becomes part of how they protect themselves from the chaos going on around them. It is in their eyes, the only way in which they have of showing some control over what is going on in their lives.

Healing from trauma takes many long years of hard, gut wrenching emotionally draining work, which means: don’t expect lying to disappear overnight, the lies will lessen as the child’s emotional pain does. While you may not be able to instantly cure a liar, it sure isn’t hard to spot one once you know what you are looking for.

You Know Your Adopted Child is Lying When You Experience:

Emotions Revealed: Recognizing Faces and Feelings to Improve Communication and Emotional Life author: Paul Ekman asin: 080507516X

In 25 years of parenting, that happen to include 14 years of foster and adoptive parenting, I have made plenty of mistakes. Sometimes, as adults, it is difficult for us to admit that we were wrong, or that we made a mistake. But, let’s face it, this parenting stuff doesn’t come with a “How to” manual, it is an ongoing, learning process. If we aren’t making any mistakes, it is probably because we aren’t doing anything. If we can learn from our errors and change our ways then we have the chance to become a better parent. I hate to admit that some of my errors have taken me years to realize. Because I am still parenting though, I have a chance to change and do it right. Every Saturday, I would like to share a mistake that I have made in parenting with other foster and adoptive parents. In doing this, I hope to help some parents avoid these mistakes or realize that they too, are doing this, and nip it. I hope you look forward to reading, Parenting Mistakes, Saturday, or PMS. Feel free to share or contribute if you feel so inclined. You can email me privately if you have a topic that you want me to cover and you don’t want every else to know you suggested it. 

Immerse your teenagers in sports if possible, team sports that is. Most foster children are delayed in their physical abilities from lack of exposure. Many were either not allowed or did not have access to equipment to run, climb, jump, or play sports. What better way is there to help your children catch up with peers physically then to immerse them in sports. I normally choose team sports such as soccer, floor hockey, or volleyball. When there is a team effort, with everyone playing at once, it is less obvious if one person is deficient. When the team wins, they receive praise from spectators and that includes the foster children. Therefore, their self-esteem is increased and this encourages them to make more effort during the next game. Before you know it, your teenager might actually be a good player.

Well it was bound to happen sooner or later after all she is 19 years old and graduated from high school in June. I have had my foster daughter using the Depo Provera birth control shot for a couple of years already as a precautionary measure. Most girls in foster care do not wait until they are adults to start having sex. However, mentally she is more like a 10 year old, with an IQ in the 50 range. Precautionary measures were taken earlier because she can be influenced and persuaded by peers. Especially by those peers with the advantage of a normal IQ, who are initially attracted to her by her beauty and her outgoing personality. She has had her share of handsome suitors. However, once they spend some time talking to her and get to know her a little better, they realize her limitations and do not stick around.

After high school she enrolled in a work training program for six weeks. All of the students in the training program had some type of impairments. Some were emotionally impaired; others were mentally or physically impaired. It was nice for her in a way, because for the first time, she was actually surrounded by her real peers. She felt like she fit in, and made some real friendships with people her own age. Previously, most of her friends were 8 to 10 years younger then her. She started spending time with her newfound friends, which I encouraged. They went to the beach and the mall like typical teenagers and had a great time together.

On Their Own: Creating an Independent Future for Your Adult Child with Learning Disabilities and ADHD: A Family Guide author: Anne Ford,John-Richard Thompson asin: 1557047596