Is it Fair to Keep an Adopted Child as an Only Child?
I recently finished reading a good novel called A Soft Place to Land by Susan Rebecca White. One of the characters in the book named Gabe was an only child, and he did not like it. He makes references about this in the book a few times and then shares his feelings quite plainly with his wife as they discuss when to begin their family:
If we want to have more than one [child]—which, believe me, we should; it sucks to be an only child—I just think we need to get on it. ~ Gabe p. 286
As a parent of an adopted only child, I really hate reading stuff like this. It gets me second guessing whether it was “fair” for hub and me to keep our adopted child as an “only child.”
Tags: Adopted Children, Only Children Benefit From Having a Pet
While working on our homestudy to adopt our daughter Ella, I was concerned that the social worker would suggest that we get rid of our three dogs. I knew that our daughter had zero contact with dogs in Guatemala; her foster mother had no pets and was shocked to hear that we had a Great Dane and two pugs in the house. Anyone she knew with a dog kept it outside.
I was pleased and relieved when the social worker told me that pets were beneficial for adopted children, that they eased the transition into their new home and were a healthy distraction.
Looking back over the last 3.5 years, I can honestly say that the dogs truly have been wonderful for our daughter. The Great Dane has let Ella climb, lie and sit on her for hours; as a matter of fact Ella learned to stand up by leaning on her. Some days much of Ella's playing centers around the dogs or nearby them. One of the pugs who is particularly interested in Ella’s activities is never far from her, sitting and watching, hoping to be invited to play. And the oldest, the “alpha” of the three dogs, is amazingly tolerant of Ella’s prodding and poking.
Is it Okay Being an Only Adopted Child?
A reader wants to know, “Is it is ok being an only adopted child?” I sure hope so because I am raising one!
So far, so good. My only adopted child sometimes wishes he had a brother, but then he gets into arguments with his friends and is glad to be able to come home and have the place to himself and not have to share anything with another child. Most of the time, my only adopted child just sees his family as his family. It is what it is.
I really don’t think that whether or not a child joined the family through adoption makes a difference as to whether it is okay being an only child. Families come in different shapes and sizes. Some only children grow up wanting to have lots of children because they felt lonely throughout their childhood. Other only children say that they enjoyed being an only child because they did not have to “share” their parents with anyone. And then there are those who just see their family circumstances as they are, feeling no need to wish for anything different. I don’t think that any of these reactions would change based upon whether the only child was adopted or not.
My only adopted child loves how involved I am in his school. He takes for granted that mom is going to chaperone every field trip and volunteer in his classroom regularly.
Adopted Only Child: “I Want a Brother”
As I have shared before, I am parenting an adopted only child. Having an only child was never my plan. Before entering into parenthood, I really wanted between two and four children (goodness help me!!). Hub wanted one or two children but would have been happy without any, too. For hub, it all boils down to cost, but that’s another story…
We did go through the adoption home study process a second time and were waiting to be matched with an expecting mother when I decided that I would rather not do the baby thing again. Hub had always wanted to stop at one after the “sticker shock” of our first adoption, so he was on board for raising an only child.
My only concern was for my son. He is such a social kid, and I bend over backward to provide him with multiple play dates. Nevertheless, he does not have a built in playmate, and he envies his friends who have siblings.
Out of nowhere, my adopted child told me that he wants a brother.
Running with Scissors* Sunday: Spoiling the Adopted Only Child
*because raising children can be like running on a sharp edge
Guilty as charged I’ve been spoiling my daughter and I'm not suggesting that I spend too much time hugging and loving her because I don’t believe that love and affection spoil a child. What I’ve been doing is letting her get away with unacceptable and annoying behavior, such as ignoring me when I ask or tell her to do or stop doing something. Additionally I have been giving in to her on occasions when I want to avoid conflict or am tired. And since I’m visiting my sister, I see how bent out of shape she gets when I talk to someone else for more than a minute or two.
It is quite amazing how quickly this situation evolved. A month or so ago this was not the situation, but it certainly is now. Smart and strong willed, my daughter could manipulate a statue, and on days when I’m not on my toes, she manipulates me as well. Producing crocodile tears on demand is her forte, and I’ve realized just how influenced I’ve been by those tears. So now it is time to do damage control.
Does Adoption Change Birth Order Personality Dynamics?
Last week, I stumbled upon an interesting article about how each person’s personality is shaped by his or her birth order in the family. The article includes a section that outlines the personalities of people based upon the following birth orders in their families:
- Firstborn
- Middle
- Youngest
- Only children
- Twins
While the description of the firstborn sounds dead-on accurate for me (who was not adopted), my adopted child does not sound a thing like the description of an only child.
Prejudices Against the Only Child
As I have shared before, my adopted child is an only child. It is not that uncommon for an adopted child to be an only child. When you adopt through private domestic infant adoption, an adoption is very expensive. Not every adoptive family has tens of thousands of dollars lying around to be used toward another adoption.
One annoying part of parenting an only child is having to deal with prejudices about the only child. Perhaps “prejudices” is too strong word. Maybe misconceptions? assumptions? myths? Whatever you want to call them, we have all heard them. The only child…
- Does not socialize well
- Grows up too fast
- Has trouble sharing
- Is self-absorbed
- Is selfish
- Is spoiled
This profile does not sound a thing like my only child.
Deciding to Parent an Adopted Child as an Only Child
I recently realized that I have not written anything about parenting an only child on my blog. How is that possible??
My adopted child is an only child. I did not plan it that way. I always dreamed of parenting four children (goodness help me!!) when I thought about parenthood. Hub only wanted one or two children (“Children are expensive”), so we compromised at two. I never even considered raising my adopted child as an only child until he was almost four years old.
In a perfect world, my adopted child would have had a sibling when he was two or three years old.
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