Open Adoption
Complexity of Open/Semi-Open Adoptions with Adopted Siblings

My adopted child is taking ice skating lessons in a nearby city. I usually carpool with a friend, but this week I had to drive myself because my son had a doctor’s appointment in a nearby town. The MapQuest directions from the doctor to the ice skating rink brought me along the same route that I used to take when hub and I were going through our home study to adopt a second child. That got me thinking about the issues that concerned me back when we were going through the adoption process a second time. (We ultimately decided not to adopt again.)
One of my biggest concerns was the level of openness to have with the second adopted child’s birth mother. At the time, we had a semi-open adoption with my son’s birth mother, and we wanted another semi-open or an open adoption with the second child’s birth mother. However, I had concerns about whether differences in the level of openness with birth mom #2 would have a negative effect on my first adopted child.
For example, my first (and now only) adopted child’s birth mother asked to receive semi-annual letters, but she chose not to send any letters back to us. My son has never received a letter, card, or present from his birth mother, which is completely okay. However, what if birth mother #2 did want to send these things to her birth child? How would that make my son feel?
Searching for a Birthmother - Part II: Choosing A Person to Search for Your Adopted Child’s Birthmother
In my previous blog about birthmother* searches, I suggested asking yourself some hard questions before you begin a search for your adopted child's birthmother. Once you have decided to execute a search, you need someone to do it for you unless you are doing it yourself.
My experience is limited to searching for a birthmother in Guatemala, but some of this advice is relevant for completing a birthmother search anywhere – in the US or outside US borders.
1. Do not choose the first birthmother searcher you hear about. Get the names of several searchers and research their credentials.
2. Ask for references from people who completed searches with the birthmother searcher and call them.
3. Find out how many searches the birthmother searchers have completed and how successful they have been.
4. Compare prices. Some birthmother searchers are more expensive than others; sometimes there are hidden costs. For example, searchers may have you pay a small price up front, but “al a carte” pricing for every additional service they provide. Some searchers quote a much higher price initially that is all inclusive: transportation, telephone calls, transcripts of information, photos, etc.
- LisaS's blog
- Login or register to post comments
- Read more
Learning to Read the Signs that Your Adopted Child has Heard Enough

In one of Faith’s recent blogs, she reported that her son had said “I don’t want to talk about it anymore,” when he no longer wanted to continue the conversation about the sad passing of his birthmother. This is a standard response from an adopted child of his age and parents would be wise not to push their child even one iota beyond what their child can handle. Faith’s son is in grade school.
Younger children, such as my daughter who is 4 years old, may simply say, “I’m done,” or just jump off your lap and walk away when they want the conversation about birth parents to end. I recently received updated information about my daughter’s birthmother that I shared with Ella.. I knew the instant the conversation was over.
That’s enough,” she said, and bounced off my lap.
- LisaS's blog
- Login or register to post comments
- Read more
Our Adopted Daughter’s Chanukah Miracle: Her Birthmother Has Been Found
We have found my adopted daughter’s birthmother in Guatemala. The searcher who took this upon herself has sent us photographs and updated information.
Three years and ten months ago I was getting acquainted with my soon to be adopted daughter in a hotel in Guatemala City. A new friend and fellow adoptive parent asked me if I’d ever want to meet my daughter’s birthmother. At that time, I clearly remember saying “no”; having an “involved” birthmother was not something I wanted.
No sooner had I brought Ella home from Guatemala and I found myself poring over the adoption documents learning whatever I could about the birthparents and trying to fill in the spaces between the lines. I wanted to meet the person who had given birth to this baby who was incredibly adorable and loveable, to share the important milestones with her, and thank her for the ultimate and painful sacrifice she had made. I decided that one day I would search for her even though she had requested no future contact. Perhaps she had changed her mind.
My gut instinct said “go ahead, do it.”
It was the right decision
Other reasons I had a birthmother search done:
1. Listening to adoptees over the last four years convinced me of an adoptee’s need to have as much information about her birthparents as possible, and in some cases the opportunity to meet them as well.
2. Most birthmothers in Guatemala want to know that their child is alive, healthy, and loved. So many rumors about the welfare of adopted children circulate in Guatemala, the worst being that they are adopted for their body organs.
Would You Refuse to Adopt a Newborn Because…

What are some of the reasons that potential adoptive parents refuse to adopt a newborn? Some seem quite logical but others may surprise you. Certainly, there are people who are not cut out to parent children with severe special needs. Some bring up the argument that you would not have a choice if the child were born to you. However, that is not exactly true. I have seen married couples place a child born to them with Down syndrome for adoption, because they did not feel qualified to parent the child. I have seen adoptive parents leave the child they were to adopt at the hospital because the child was born without a limb, blind, with spina bifida, the wrong gender, or some other “defect.” Lately though, I have come across a few reasons on message boards and in person that frankly shocked me. I mean if someone desperately wanted to start a family and find a newborn to adopt then why would they refuse over something trivial?
- FosterMommy's blog
- Login or register to post comments
- Read more
Open Adoption: When the Adopted Child Lashes Out

On Monday, I wrote about the pain of the adopted teenager telling his adoptive mother, “You’re not my real mom.” That got me thinking that adoptive mothers are not the only people who have to deal with this. What about birth mothers who are in open adoptions with their birth children? I can see them getting hit with even more painful words, such as, “You walked away,” or other such variety. That’s got to hurt even worse than being told that you are not the “real mom.”
I can see the open adoption scenario now. The adopted child has an argument with his adoptive parents. He walks out in anger and goes to see his birth mother, certain that she will “take his side.” The birth mother chooses to support the adoptive parents, and the adopted child lashes out in anger, “What do you know? You’re not my real mom, anyhow. What do you know about parenting a child, anyhow, since you gave me up?”
Whereas I can only think of one dagger for the adoptive parent (“You are not my real parent”), I can think of multiple daggers that an angry adopted child could throw at a birth mother. If the birth mother is already feeling regret or insecurity about her decision to place the child for adoption, those daggers could do some serious damage.
Dear Adoption Maharishi: I Want to Live with my Birthfather

Dear Adoption Maharishi,
HI, I'm an adopted child I was adopted when I was a baby but now I'm 13 and I just got back form spending some time with my birth dad and now I'm at that "stage" I guess that I'm really wanting to lie with my birth dad I mean the parents that adopted me are great but I just wanna live with my birth dad I haven’t told my paper parents (that’s what they r cuz their only my parents through paper. yea I haven’t told them yet and I probably wont but that’s because It would break them but I just really want to live with my birth dad. kykykloo
Signed,
kykykloo
Dear kykykloo,
Congratulations on your great relationship with your birth father. Having a positive open relationship with him has surely contributed to the level of self-confidence necessary to make this assertion. Kuddos to your adoptive parents as well, for fostering such a positive relationship between you and your birth father. Adoptive parents frequently suffer from parenting insecurities that prevent them from allowing such an open relationship as you have with your birth father. For reasons known only to them, your birth parents placed you with your current adoptive family 13 years ago, to be raised by them.
Open Adoption: Birth Mother Calls Herself “Mama”
A reader, who is an adoptive mother, is upset because her adopted child’s birth mother calls herself “mama” and wants her birth child to call her “mama.” The adoptive family has an open adoption with the birth mother, and this is causing friction in the relationship. The adoptive mother wants to know how to handle this situation.
For an open adoption to work, you need lots of communication. Open adoptions are fairly new, so, unlike with other relationships, most adoptive families and birth mothers do not have other families modeling how an open adoption is going to work. If you don’t talk openly about how the open adoption is going to work, then you are setting your relationship up for all sorts of struggles. Since there is no “standard” by which the parties involved can pattern their relationship, it can be easy for each person involved to have a very different idea about each party's role in the relationship.
I suspect that the adoptive mother feels like the birth mother is overstepping by trying to get the child to call her “mama.” Meanwhile, the birth mother might have no idea that this is even an issue. It is possible that the birth mother does not know what the child should call her, and, since “Mommy” is already taken, she chose another name.
Dear Adoption Maharishi: Can Birth Parents Post Pictures of Birth Child on the Internet?
Dear Adoption Maharishi,
My husband and I adopted our son as a newborn, and we have a semi-open adoption with our child’s birth mother. We just found out that his birth mother has been posting pictures of our son on her FaceBook page. My husband and I are very protective of our son and never post pictures of him on the Internet, so I am aghast that his birth mother is doing this. Can she do this?
~ Frightened
Papa’s Tractor: Gift of Open Adoption
Today's guest blogger is Patricia Dischler, the author of "Because I Loved You: A Birthmother's View of Open Adoption", a speaker, child care professional and birthmother. Read more from Patricia here.
Continued from here.
Joe told me that after a tough day at the restaurant, he liked to get on Baby Allis and take a long drive out into the country. When he did this he always felt like Papa was right there, along for the ride. He'd talk to Papa about his life, and always felt that he was close by and watching out for him. That day I got to join him, I could feel it too.
Joe told me how there were a lot of times when he was pretty upset about his job, or something else in his life, and all he had to do was get on Baby Allis and go for a ride, and Papa would help him work it out and get back on track.
I felt very privileged to share that same trip with Joe and Papa. I knew that it was something Papa would have loved, and that if there is a heaven, for Papa it would have been right there taking a tractor ride with Joe.
On my drive home the next day, I got thinking about that experience. I realized that none of it would have happened if it had not been for his parents being willing to face their fears and agree to an open adoption.
- GuestBlogger's blog
- Login or register to post comments
- Read more

Dear Adoption Maharishi,

Recent comments
14 min 1 sec ago
2 hours 4 min ago
2 days 20 hours ago
3 days 10 hours ago
3 days 18 hours ago
3 days 20 hours ago
4 days 17 hours ago
5 days 1 hour ago
1 week 44 min ago
1 week 6 hours ago