I admit to being a little gun shy after last week’s reception of the PMS article. However, the point is, these are common parenting mistakes that adoptive parents make. I made them, and I would like to help other adoptive parents avoid them, if possible. The only way to do that is to share information, including, why it was a bad parenting idea.

For about five years, I was a compensated mentor of new foster and adoptive parents for the state. I spoke regularly with hundreds of parents, so I know that these issues are common mistakes. One issue, brought up repeatedly by the adult adoptees is adoptive parents expecting adoptee appreciation. They have explained to us repeatedly how harmful that was to their self-esteem. I realized after reading through their comments and blogs that I made this mistake. Only, I also used a double-standard, which may make it an even worse offense.

When our first adopted daughter ran away at 18 I was devastated. Sure, she already had her high school diploma. She was already attending college. One day, she left in her car and just didn’t come back. I read that exit strategy is critical with older adopted children. You must tell your child repeatedly how, and when, he will leave your home. Otherwise, the child cannot handle it. Many adult children just leave, and do it badly, because they do not know how. Others just stay at home because they do not know how to leave. 

I vowed to not make the same mistake with the next child, who happened to be the younger sister of the first. We spoke frequently about her attending college for two years and then leaving for a four-year college. She seemed to be on the straight and narrow road. Then her sister convinced her to move in with her. That was the end of the straight and narrow. She has however, maintained the same job that she has had since before her sixteenth birthday and she is 19 now. She did attend one year of college. Ironically, she babysits more for her sister than she ever did for me. 

Do not explain every detail to your child. When you bring older children such as teenagers into your home, it is easy to treat them like friends. Sometimes, you feel it is necessary to explain your decisions to them. I did this and I speak from experience when I tell you it is not in your best interest or that of your children. The older child is trying to befriend and impress you, at least initially. However, most of these children, while chronologically mature, are not emotionally mature enough to handle adult subjects.

I avoided saying, “I love you,” to the first few foster children that came to stay with us, until I felt love. I felt like a phony saying it if I didn’t mean it. I thought that being older children they would see through the lie. However, every child needs to hear “I love you.” Especially those who may have either never heard it said, or heard it in words, but the actions said something different. In hindsight, I don’t think the teenagers would have seen through it.

Later, when I read the definition of the word, love, I realized that I could have said it all along without lying. The Encarta Dictionary has several definitions for love. A few of the definitions do not involve a warm fuzzy feeling. Instead, they involve the act of caring for another person and meeting that person’s needs. By that definition, you love every child that spends time in your home, not matter how short the time. So, tell new children that you love them.

In 25 years of parenting, that happen to include 14 years of foster and adoptive parenting, I have made plenty of mistakes. Sometimes, as adults, it is difficult for us to admit that we were wrong, or that we made a mistake. But, let’s face it, this parenting stuff doesn’t come with a “How to” manual, it is an ongoing, learning process. If we aren’t making any mistakes, it is probably because we aren’t doing anything. If we can learn from our errors and change our ways then we have the chance to become a better parent. I hate to admit that some of my errors have taken me years to realize. Because I am still parenting though, I have a chance to change and do it right. Every Saturday, I would like to share a mistake that I have made in parenting with other foster and adoptive parents. In doing this, I hope to help some parents avoid these mistakes or realize that they too, are doing this, and nip it. I hope you look forward to reading, Parenting Mistakes, Saturday, or PMS. Feel free to share or contribute if you feel so inclined. You can email me privately if you have a topic that you want me to cover and you don’t want every else to know you suggested it.