Last week, John and I conversed in the comments about the topics I chose to write about – all focusing on things you need to know when you parent a traumatized child. John expressed the following concern:

Prospective parents do need to understand what this type of adoption is like, but the tricky balancing act is to tell it acurately and completely without creating the idea that only super parents with incredible patience need apply. Yes, they are all different, and that is what matters, great post. ~ John 

Let’s talk about what it takes to parent an older adopted child, particularly one who was abused or traumatized in some manner.

I have not parented an older adopted child, but I have been (and still am) a traumatized person who has had many relationships over the course of my life. I also know many adoptive parents of older adopted children, so I can speak intelligently to the subject. I would love for John and other parents of older adopted and/or foster children to chime in as well.

It looks like this is my week to talk about hearings voices! After I wrote my blog entry for Trauma Tuesday, I read John’s following comment to my blog entry entitled Why People with PTSD Don’t Talk About Their Experiences:

When you live with kids having [PTSD], it is always a consideration in your parenting decisions. Stress is a biggie, either manage stress or enjoy a very wild ride, as the stress triggers PTSD episodes. I have been on the wrong end of a knife with a son who definately intended to use it on me. Later, he explained that in his mind, he was with a different family in a different setting, and this time it was going to come out better. I would have still been the stab-ee. Your child may also hear voices due to PTSD, which is scary to the child, he is sure that proves that he is totally wacko.

What John is describing as “hearing voices” is actually an auditory flashback. It is different from what I understand is experienced by schizophrenics and others who “hear voices.” At least, that has been my experience.

One unfortunate reality of child abuse and other forms of trauma is that it follows you throughout the rest of your life. Yes, an abused foster or adopted child can work through therapy and live a much more fulfilling life than he or she would have lived otherwise, but the past is never fully just “the past” never to be heard from again.

I faced this reality just yesterday. My son’s attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) doctor dropped off the face of the earth, forcing us to have to find another doctor. Because of the medications he is taking, his primary care physician did not feel comfortable treating his ADHD, so we found another child psychiatrist through a referral. I like her and believe she will do a good job.

Of course, the first meeting about getting to know my son, and the dynamic of his family is an important part of this. I cannot explain the dynamic of my marriage without explaining the dynamic of the changes from before to after therapy.

One of the challenges of parenting a traumatized child is figuring out the right balance of just how honest to be with the adopted child. On the one hand, you should never lie to your adopted child because, if you do, your child is never going to learn to trust you. Before your traumatized child, whose trust has been shattered, can even have the hope of learning to trust you, you must be trustworthy.

However, on the flip side of this is that you do not want to burden a child with any more information than he or she needs to know at a particular age and stage of development. In fact, it is possible to trigger flashbacks before a child is ready to deal with a particular trauma if you start talking about something that the child is not yet ready to face.

For example, a couple of years ago, my sister (who suffered most of the same abuses that I did) told me that she could handle anything as long as she did not suffer from animal rape. Her mention of this caused me to have a flashback right then and there, and I was not yet ready to deal with it. Because I was not yet ready to process this particular trauma, I experienced a very heavy nosedive, complete with self-injury and suicidal urges. You don’t want to do this to your adopted child.