*because raising children can be like living on a sharp edge

Last Sunday I shared my most recent challenges with my daughter Ella; she had become annoying, disobedient and unpleasant to be with in the last month. Behaviors such as running away every time I called her, throwing toys, breaking things, slamming doors, having a crying fit when she didn’t get her way, and basically ignoring everything I said to her were becoming routine. I knew I had to take matters in hand quickly.

I decided to use the time out system as I do not believe in physical punishment. Every time Ella was out of line I would give her one warning – but only one. If she did not correct that behavior, she would go to time out for three minutes (one minute for each year of age). Time out did not need to be in a bedroom or a room with a closed door; it was enough that I made her stay in a designated area such as a hallway. I would tell her that she would stay there until I allowed her to come out. If she came out before the three minutes were up, I would gently but firmly put her back. Would she go willingly and happily to time out? Are you kidding? Often she was kicking and screaming and always crying as if the world had come to an end. My daughter is quite the drama queen and can produce tears at the drop of a dime. But I did not relent, and each episode of time out she had to stay in the designated area for three minutes until I announced that her time in time out was up. At home I usually set a timer for three minutes.

*because raising children can be like running on a sharp edge

Guilty as charged I’ve been spoiling my daughter and I'm not suggesting that I spend too much time hugging and loving her because I don’t believe that love and affection spoil a child. What I’ve been doing is gradually been letting her get away with unacceptable and annoying behavior, such as ignoring me when I ask or tell her to do or stop doing something. Additionally I have been giving in to her on occasions when I want to avoid conflict or am tired. And since I’m visiting my sister, I see how bent out of shape she gets when I talk to someone else for more than a minute or two.

It is quite amazing how quickly this situation evolved. A month or so ago this was not the situation, but it certainly is now. Smart and strong willed, my daughter could manipulate a statue, and on days when I’m not on my toes, she manipulates me as well. Producing crocodile tears on demand is her forte, and I’ve realized just how influenced I’ve been by those tears. So now it is time to do damage control.

*because raising children is sometimes like running on a sharp edge

My amazing and precious little girl turned three this week. I get emotional on my children’s birthdays; I consider parenting a blessing and an honor. The fact that I have four remarkable children never ceases to amaze me.

As I watched Ella dance and summersault her way around the house today I marveled at the little girl she has become: smart, curious, funny, sensitive, strong willed, feisty and oh so loveable. I just kept thinking how blessed I am to have her in my life. Each day is unique with this remarkable little girl.

Ella has a strong sense of family and is very attached to me. She often calls me her “best friend” which I find touching. She is no loner and wants company when she is playing, particularly her imaginative games. Being outdoors playing with rocks, sticks and leaves is probably right up there as her favorite pastime, but lately drawing with crayons is very popular as well. And when it comes to stories, she can sit and listen to them for hours. For her birthday we bought her a big doll house with lots of furniture and little people to fill it. She adores it and I think it will help pass some long days in the winter.

 *because raising children is sometimes like running on a sharp edge

Oy vey, I have a napless toddler on my hands. Full of energy and unable to settle down long enough to fall asleep in the afternoon, my dear daughter morphs into a weeping monster by 5:00 pm. No amount of attention or distraction can placate her. She is irritable, moody, restless, sensitive, argumentative, impatient, demanding, and just plain exhausted. It is all I can do to get through the last couple hours until she falls asleep, a process that takes seconds now that she is not napping.

Did I choose the napless route in order to have tornado toddler fall asleep before 11:00 pm? Are you kidding?

As my daughter Ella approaches her third birthday, I keep waiting for certain things to get easier. After all, the terrible twos, characterized by toddlers being negative about most things and saying ‘no’ to pretty much everything, accompanied by mood changes and temper tantrums, should be coming to a close as we enter a new, calmer period in her development. Well, it just isn’t happening that way. She is as feisty and stubborn as ever, and wants complete control of everything. Yes, I would characterize my almost three year old as a control freak.

I only started hearing about the “terrible threes” about a year ago, and frankly, I was skeptical. After all I’d raised three sons without this pesky stage, and anyway, had children changed so much in the last twenty years? The answer is a big resounding yes.

My adorable daughter Ella has three older brothers, and two of them live a long way away, with her seeing them four to five times a year. What I find truly amazing is her reaction each time she sees them. There is no “getting to know you again” transition period - she just picks up where she left off the last time they were together, thrilled at seeing them and engaging with them non-stop. This is highly unusual for Ella, as she can be very shy and closed when she hasn’t seen someone for a while.

When I adopted Ella, I thought about the fact that it would be difficult for her to establish and maintain relationships with her brothers who were married and living away from home. I wondered how I could facilitate optimal long distance brother-sister relationships. As it often happens in families, letting matters take care of themselves was the best solution.

Last year we took a very long trip with our adopted daughter Ella to visit family and friends in Israel. It was not an easy trip with a nineteen month old toddler on my lap for over sixteen hours on packed airplanes, but it was well worth it.

This year we are not going nearly so far, but our trip will consist of two fairly short flights and then a long car ride. We are heading to our neighbor to the north – yes, beautiful Canada. I am excited about going back to my hometown, and plan on getting some serious mental relaxtion while getting in touch with my roots. 

Ella is not the quiet toddler communicating through sign language that we travelled with last year. She has a lot to say about where we are going, what we are doing and how we are doing it. Although she loves flying and already has her own frequent flyer miles, long trips in cars have never been a favorite of hers, so we’ve avoided them.

Last week my “Running With Scissors” blog focused on toddlers and how to choose which unacceptable behaviors to address, rather than each and every one. But compared to teens, toddlers are fairly easy. Once your adorable baby has grown up to be a teen, at times you feel as if you are invisible to them, or an obstacle in their path. They have plans, they have ideas, they have friends. Your input is rarely sought and your opinions are often greeted with sighs, eye rolling, impatience, and outbursts. With some teens, the friction starts first thing in the morning when you have to pry them out of bed for school. If they don’t have school uniforms, there may be a heated argument over what they’ve chosen to wear that day. Usually they don’t want to eat breakfast (more on this later), and often their lunch is left on the counter because they have forgotten it again or never wanted it in the first place. They are supposed to ride the school bus, but instead they fly out the door to get a ride with “x” without asking for your permission. After they return from school, they head immediately to their bedroom, close the door and listen to music and talk on the phone. You want to ask them how their day went, but they brush you off with “I’m busy, I’ll talk to you later” or “I’m doing my homework.”

At this point you need to step back, take a deep breath, and evaluate the situation. If there is anything a teenager dislikes, it is nagging. I know this because I nagged my youngest son a lot. At the time, I was so frustrated with him that I felt he deserved it; however it was counterproductive and improved nothing. Nagging is a dead end.

One good criteria for deciding what issues to confront your teenager about are those that affect their personal safety or the safety of others.

You’ve heard the expression “pick your battles” more times than you’ve wanted to. Basically it means that instead of criticizing, disciplining, and admonishing your child for every little thing they do wrong, choose the behavior that is the most bothersome or reprehensible and address it. If you react to every inappropriate action or behavior, your child will respond to nothing. I’ve decided to eliminate "pick your battles" from my vocabulary because these “battles” are rarely resolved successfully when they are addressed as battles. Henceforth I’m going to say, “stepping back, taking a deep breath, and evaluating the situation.”

Here are some examples from the toddler age, when the issues are small but annoying. My tornado toddler is like an octopus with eight legs and can be into multiple things in seconds. She can be pulling food out of the pantry, unrolling a roll of toilet paper, opening the door and running outside, poking our Great Dane in the ear with her finger, and using a chair to climb up on the counter to reach whatever has attracted her attention, all within a five minute period. I could stop and tell her not to do each of these things; truthfully I’ve done this and I feel like I’m “chasing my own tail” – otherwise, totally ineffective.

We have reached that stage in my toddler’s life when she can do without a nap some days. This is another one of those transitional periods that characterize the first three years of a child’s life. Generally I welcome a change that signifies maturation, but not this one.