Search and reunion

GUESTBLOG: The Search for a Birthmother in Russia: Part 4

Submitted by GuestBlogger on Tue, 07/13/2010 - 07:00

Stacey is the adoptive parent of a Russian born child. She successfully completed a birthmother search and has been kind enough to share this information with us at Adoption Under One Roof.

Part 4 - The search for information continues.

One last search came in the way of my daughter's bio maternal aunt. The aunt sent pictures of the maternal grandmother and uncle, who have both since passed away at relatively young ages. The aunt did not want to chat much with the searcher, but sent her regards. Maybe we will meet her when we travel to Russia. My next challenge is to tell my girls in Russia about my daughter's other Mom, my partner. This will not be easy. I wrote this story from my perspective, but my partner has been here from the beginning of the adoption. Our daughter only knows what it is like to have two moms.

GUESTBLOG: The Search for a Birthmother in Russia: Part 3

Submitted by GuestBlogger on Mon, 07/12/2010 - 07:51

Stacey is the adoptive parent of a Russian born child. She successfully completed a birthmother search and has been kind enough to share this information with us at Adoption Under One Roof.

Part 3: What will the older sister tell us?

The searcher videotaped the older sister and provided a report. During the interview the searcher asked my daughter's sister many questions. It was amazing to finally see this information on paper and eventually get to see the video interview. She is an amazing young woman especially after spending the first 19 years of her life in an orphanage. The mystery was starting to unravel. She had tears in her eyes as she had no idea my daughter existed. She was also overjoyed to know she had another sister. I could not help but be joyful, yet my heart sank when I found that the older sister had spent the first part of her life in an institution.

GUESTBLOG: The Search for a Birthmother in Russia: Part 2

Submitted by GuestBlogger on Fri, 07/09/2010 - 08:41

Stacey is the adoptive parent of a Russian born child. She successfully completed a birthmother search and has been kind enough to share this information with us at Adoption Under One Roof.

Part 2: Where do I go to conduct a search?

I reached out to the Russian Sibling Search Group in 2008. It took six months for information to be gathered for our search group and to send the searcher into Siberia. I was a little nervous, as I did not know if the birth-mother was going to answer our letter. I had some nagging questions. Is she married? Does she have a new family? Will she acknowledge my daughter? As these questions persisted, I found myself feeling a lot of love for her and I just could not muster up any judgments of her. After all, she is the woman that gave life to the most precious gift I could have ever received.

GUESTBLOG: The Search for a Birthmother in Russia: Part 1

Submitted by GuestBlogger on Thu, 07/08/2010 - 08:26

Stacey is the adoptive parent of a Russian born child. She successfully completed a birthmother search and has been kind enough to share this information with us at Adoption Under One Roof.

Preface - I have used vague terms and not revealed the folks in Russia that assisted with information. This is a delicate matter and should not be taken lightly for those that wish to search and those that are willing to provide information. Many have criticized Russian adoption for many things, but for me, the Russians that were involved have the best interest of the children at heart. I have received nothing but warmth during the adoption process and my search.

Part 1: To Search or not to Search?

From the moment I found out about my daughter and then met her in Russia I wondered about her history. When I met my daughter she was 8 months old. She ws frail, pale and weak from respiratory illnesses, and judging from her personality was in this condition due to a lack of affection. She weighed 9 pounds at 8 months old. She looked like a little doll and I had no idea she was so under-weight as I was blinded by love. At the conclusion of our first visit, I whispered in her ear, "I love you and I will be back to take you home."

Mother and Son Reunited After 46 Years

Submitted by LisaS on Mon, 05/10/2010 - 11:28

For Sharon Wilson this Mother’s Day was probably one of the best she ever celebrated. After extensively searching for the son she placed for adoption 46 years ago, they had finally found each other and spent Mother’s Day together.

Sharon’s story is not unlike numerous stories of pregnant and unmarried teenagers and women in previous decades. She was placed in a home where she says that “all those girls in that home were in hiding”, and remained there until she gave birth, at which time the baby was immediately placed for adoption. Sharon was 15 years old when she gave birth to her son and opposed the adoption, but signed the adoption papers. Although she went on to have three daughters, she could never stop thinking about and searching for the son she placed for adoption and her daughters and husbands knew about him as well.

GUEST BLOG: Ways for Adoptees to Search for Their Biological Parents

Submitted by LisaS on Fri, 04/09/2010 - 17:39

Special thanks to Marjorie for preparing this list for our readers.

Some of our readers are adoptees who have found their birth parents, others are not and are searching. I asked one of our guest bloggers, Marjorie, to prepare a list of how to go about searching for birth parents. If you have any other suggestions please post them in the comment section below this blog or send me an email at lisas@ouradopt.com.  At Adoption Under One Roof we feel it is essential to offer help to all members of the adoption triad and to share any information we have. To those of you who are searching, good luck.

In getting started, you will first need to know your biological parents first and last names. While browsing the Internet for locating people just simply insert their names and if you know what city or state they reside in the information will come very handy. Making contact with your natural parents is likely to be time-consuming but it's not likely to be time wasted.

Then:

1. Join every search registry you can

2. Find out in what state or country you were born ..what hospital if you can as the birth records are there.

3. Find out the adoption agency from which you were adopted and see if they have any information for you or ways to search.

4. Adoptees Liberty Movement (ALMA) is very helpful.

5. Get a copy of your Adoption Decree if you can as it states the name of your biological mother on it in many instances

Why I Chose to Search for My Son’s Birth Parents

Submitted by FaithA on Wed, 02/17/2010 - 07:50

Lisa recently wrote a blog entry entitled Should we be Doing Birthparent Searches Without our Children's Approval?. To this blog entry, John wrote the following comment:

All of this hinges on the current concept that open adoption is almost always better. It is a creation of social work think. Yes, there are benefits - sometimes. How many posts have been on this site about the difficulties in maintaining open adoptions? One explanation is that it is un-natural, it can be maintained for a period, but it is not the natural state of things. Birth mothers expect it because it is the current social work fad (much like no interracial adoptions in the 1980s).

To the parent that believes in open adoption, of course it is their duty to search on their own volition, the child will surely benefit sometime. Adoptive children have not been exposed to this thinking. They may very well feel that a search should not start without their consent. Who is right? Mom for searching knowing that surely it will benefit the child, or the child for feeling that this is his private area. It is about respect, with the possibilty that a later search will not succeed. ~ John

I am one of those adoptive parents who is “guilty” of searching for my adopted child’s birth parents, so I would like to address John’s questions.

Should we be Doing Birthparent Searches Without our Children's Approval?

Submitted by LisaS on Sun, 02/14/2010 - 23:16

In a recent comment, John brought up some important questions about birthparent searches:

... is it appropriate for the adoptive parent to do a search if the child hasn't indicated they want a search? Isn't that invading the rights of the child? It is his parent, not the adoptive Mom or Dad's parent. All five of mine came from foster care, a different type of adoption, but all have very strong feelings that searching is their prerogative only. It could be that my kids’ reactions are purely due to their backgrounds. It could also be that by the time the infant adoptees reach teenage and adult years that they too will feel that it is intrusive, and presumptive. Indeed, waiting to search may mean never getting an answer, but isn't the child's sense of his parent respecting him more important?

Let me address John's points one at a time.

Do we  invade the rights of our adopted child when we search for their birthparents without their approval?

I don’t think we are invading the rights of our adopted children when we do this; if anything we are invading their privacy. I believe it is their right to have open birth records and their right to be able to have contact with their birthparents when they so decide and the birthparents are in agreement.

Searching for a Birthmother Part IV: You’ve Found the Birthmother, Now What?

Submitted by LisaS on Tue, 02/09/2010 - 14:55

If you are among the fortunate adoptive parents who have been able to find your child’s birthmother,* I congratulate you. You have taken a huge step and it was not an easy one. Here are some of the scenarios that can result from a successful search:

1. The birthmother is overjoyed at having been found and wants continued contact.

2. The birthmother was relieved to hear word of the child she placed for adoption but does not want further contact.

3. The birthmother is very poor and wants you to help her financially.

4. The birthmother is married and has children and does not want her new family to know anything about the child she placed for adoption.

Dear Adoption Maharishi: How Can an Adoptee Get the Courts to Produce Birth Information?

Submitted by Adoption_Maharishi on Tue, 02/02/2010 - 16:01

 

 

Dear Adoption Maharishi,

After many years of mental torment and agony of dealing with the person I call my mother I decided to attempt to find my roots. Here's the problem in the area of the birth certificate that usually has the doctors name and signature etc. Is has my adopted mothers name. The document appears to be fraudulent but I am told it is not. The other thing that is strange is my adoption was finalized early 1985 but my amended birth certificate was issued just six weeks after I was born. The home study was not performed until after my adoptive parents were chosen to receive me. To really top things off my adoptive parents had only been married for 8 months when they received me. Because of Texas laws my parents were allowed to finalize the adoption in a different county, rather than the one of my birth and of residence. Every time I go to the courthouse my adoption was "finalized in" they cannot tell me anything. Not even if it was indeed the courthouse. I'm at a dead end and I feel as if I am being cheated out of my history. I also would love to know my medical background. The funny part is my adoptive parents know that my birth mother had to have a hysterectomy due to cervical cancer. If anybody has any advice on how to find my birth parents it would be much appreciated even my search agent I hired is pretty much stumped, if we can not get the courts to produce any information I'm screwed. Signed, jmontgomery0627

Dear jmontgomery0627,

We truly understand and sympathize with your grief. One of our partners has a husband in the same boat. He was born in 1964 so the same era. In Michigan, you can pay the court a fee to locate your birthparents. A person at the court locates the birthparents and discusses the possibility of a meeting. Ultimately, it is up to the birthparents. In our case, the birthmother refused to meet. Thus he experienced another humiliating let down. Michigan also has a registry where adoptees, and relatives who know about the child placed, can put their names on a list to be contacted if the other party also puts their name on the list. Unfortunately, I don’t think these lists are very well operated. I bring this up because, Texas may have similar possibilities. Please ask your courthouse if they offer an adoption liaison service, where they anonymously contact the birthparents to request information. They can pull your records to do this. Ironically, we also adopted an infant from Texas.