It is day two of Tyler’s visit to my home. Yes, last night’s refusal to take his shower and change for bed was testing. He woke up cranky, still wearing everything including his jacket, and needing a shower. I told him we could get going after his shower. He saw no point in that. After a bit he was up and ready to go, again, we can leave after your shower. More time, he appears in different clothes and his hair is wet. I smelled a rat. The towel was dry and so was the shower. Later, he appears in a towel, letting me know that the showerhead doesn’t work well. Water all over the floor, yes he had taken a shower. ODD? Yes, thank you.

My new, soon to be son, Tyler, called me this morning as he and his worker were driving south to Sacramento, where they would catch a flight to Long Beach. He started off with, “Hi Dad...” That was the first time he had called me that. They were on schedule. The worker had MapQuest directions, but the streets leading to our home are confusing. I talked Tyler through the route, there was the car, and my son was coming home for the first time. This is an unusual visitation, he would be with me for four days, on day five we would fly in my airplane to his city, where I would sign the adoption placement papers and then we would return home. Once he was out of the car, we would not be separated again.

When foster parenting teenage girls dating boys is bound to happen. On the one hand, you want your foster children to lead as normal a life as possible. On the other hand, most teenagers in foster care are emotionally immature and have poor boundaries do to years of neglect or abuse. These are not good qualities to have when a girl is alone somewhere with a teenage boy in the throws of puberty. Is there a safe middle ground, a way to let your foster teenager have fun and yet offer that extra bit of protection?

Our guest blog is from John, a retired commercial airline pilot who has adopted four boys, and working on number 5, from domestic foster care as a single parent. John and his family live in southern California.

Night was the local fun center, just what we needed. Go Karts that we turned into bumper cars. He didn’t get my humor for a while. I would tap the rear of his kart and he would wobble, I would say ‘sorry’, of course, I didn’t mean it. He got it, and then it got interesting. We were enjoying each other, laser tag, a big hit, and miniature golf. Mr. Silent was long Gone. That night, many questions, about my sons, about adoption, about Los Angeles, about issues he had to deal with, and one that clearly puzzled him. “What about masturbation?” A gutsy question, most kids on a first visit would never have the guts to ask. When its OK, why its important, and no, its not an off limits topic. Lots of chance in his questions to make it clear that no matter what, he was OK. Sleep came easily for Tyler. I was getting to see all of my son, not just the easy to deal with parts. How spectacular, God does have a plan.

Our guest blog is from John, a retired commercial airline pilot who has adopted four boys, and working on number 5, from domestic foster care as a single parent. John and his family live in southern California.

First meetings are scary. As a retired airline pilot, I can tell you that no emergency in the cockpit ever compared with the stress of a first meeting with a new child. It is so important, and you want so badly for it to go right. This would be my fifth first meeting. As usual, this was in the child’s area, I live 600 miles south.

This is the story of my new son, Tyler (a pseudonym), and his journey home. Tyler is 11 years old, lives in foster care, and was available for adoption. He entered the system five years ago due to neglect. He was separated from his brother for appropriate reasons, but feels tremendous loss. He has had many placements, including two group homes, one of which was very inappropriate and poorly supervised. He is very bright, does well in school when he chooses to, and has had an issue with depression. He has Oppositional Defiant Disorder, and has issues with attachment due to the number of moves and disappointments he has lived through.

I am an older parent. We are a single father family with five boys, three are adults, and two live at home, and they are currently 18 and 21. Four of the boys came home through adoption from foster care, all with substantial issues. I had decided to do it one last time, and have a wonderful agency, truly outstanding. I was determined to do straight adoption and not foster-adopt, (that means that the placement is adoption from day one, no foster care.) Since my state, California, does not do straight adoption that meant interstate, which is how all four of my boys came home. We looked at a number of possibilities, and I was actually matched with another 11 year old in another state. Social worker problems (on the other end) made it ultimately undoable. After a considerable amount of searching, the head of my agency asked me if I would do a California child, if it could be straight adoption. He had been a huge help, and I thought that there was nothing to lose since CA never does that kind of adoption anyhow, and I said “Yes.” Three weeks later he called and said “Check your email and call me.”

On FosterMommy’s blog entry entitled Just How Bad Can Life Be With An Adopted Traumatized Child?, John wrote the following comment:

Another issue is the idea that surely a two-parent family is always best. Some children, particularly boys, may not be able to accept a Mom in their lives, due to damage they have suffered. Putting a child like that in a 'surely better' home sets the family up for failure and the child also.

Many in the adoption community believe that a two-parent home is best for all children. This is not necessarily case. If a child was repeatedly abused by members of only one gender, the child might never be able to let down her guard while living in a home with an adoptive parent of that gender. However, if the child is adopted by a single parent of the opposite gender, the child might have a much better chance of feeling safe in that home.

You also need to consider the health of the marriage.

I had a miserable weekend because I was sick. The Allen household does not function well when I am sick. I wind up still doing 90% of my daily chores and feeling resentful that I have to push my body so hard when what I need to do is rest. Hub says that my colds always linger, and I can tell him why – because I never get a sick day.

Take yesterday for example. I got up at the crack of dawn because Nicholas woke up early. I walked the dogs. I fed the child and both dogs. I cleaned up the glasses and dishes that hub and Nicholas left lying around the night before. I ran the dishwasher and two loads of laundry. Sounds restful, huh?

I am continuing my tour of African countries where intercountry adoption is possible. I started with Nigerian adoption (Western Africa) then moved to Zambian adoption (Southern Africa). Just to be confusing (grin) I went back to Western Africa and visited Ghanan adoption.

FosterMommy pitched in and asked, Can Your U.S. Family Adopt a Baby From Cameroon? (borders Nigeria)

Now I want to visit Ethopia. It is an amazing country. I had to read Wikipedia's Ethiopian history several times. It is one of the world's oldest countries and converted to Christianity in the 400s. There was a Muslim migration to the area in the 900s. And then there is this:

Human settlement in Ethiopia dates back to prehistoric times. Fossilized remains of the earliest ancestors to the human species, discovered in Ethiopia, have been assigned dates as long ago as 5.9 million years.

My darling is now 11 years old, but I was recently looking at some old photos. She is 5 years old in this picture. And she is very happy.

Revisiting old history made me think about my "family and friends" letter. (Well there was also an email about doing adoption announcements on an email list that I hang out on.)

Once I decided to adopt, I slowly told my closest friends and family. I told them one at a time. I talked to them when it seemed natural. Once my plans firmed up, I sent out an adoption announcement. It was an eight page letter.

It was too wordy because I was excited about my plans.