Dissolving an adoption is a serious decision. Most states consider a parent’s choice to dissolve an adoption as child abandonment. Child abandonment is considered child abuse; therefore, your name will go on the state Child Protective Service Registry as an offender. Having your name on a state CPS registry as an offender means that you cannot work with children anywhere that requires a CPS clearance. Some examples of things you may no longer be able to do are Boy or Girl Scout Leader, Daycare provider, Little League coach, adopt, or provide foster care. The state usually considers the fact that you adopted a challenging child with severe behaviors as irrelevant. Adoption is serious business. Once you adopt a child, any child no matter how damaged, it is as if you gave birth to that child.

I understand your feelings of frustration because I have parented many challenging children over the years. I know it isn’t fair, especially when you did not cause your child’s problems. However, this is the way it usually is. Some people have had success with another option, but it is a long and difficult road. Of course, you are already familiar with that path, or you wouldn’t be hear, right. 

During 15 years of fostering children for the state of Michigan, we have helped to parent nearly 100 children. We adopted a daughter who came to us as an almost four year old who is now 15, who has FASD. When she came to us, her diagnosis was cognitively impaired also known as mild mental retardation. Like so many hopeful adoptive parents, we thought it didn’t matter. We thought that with our love and every special service available she could overcome her FAS. In some ways, she has. Today she has an average IQ in the low 90s, and test in the average range for achievement when tests are given verbally. However, life still is not easy for her, or for those of us who live with her. She frequently misunderstands written words making schoolwork a struggle despite an average IQ. She also struggles with writing understandable sentences frequently leaving out words and using incorrect forms of verbs and nouns. This also makes schoolwork a struggle for her. We have tried numerous countermeasures over the years; however, she rarely complies with them even when they really help her succeed. It is not my intent to make fun of children with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome by this blog. However, sharing experiences helps us keep parenting our FASD children in perspective. Maintaining a lighthearted attitude towards the countless mistakes makes life better for the entire family. 

In 25 years of parenting, that happen to include 14 years of foster and adoptive parenting, I have made plenty of mistakes. Sometimes, as adults, it is difficult for us to admit that we were wrong, or that we made a mistake. But, let’s face it, this parenting stuff doesn’t come with a “How to” manual, it is an ongoing, learning process. If we aren’t making any mistakes, it is probably because we aren’t doing anything. If we can learn from our errors and change our ways then we have the chance to become a better parent. I hate to admit that some of my errors have taken me years to realize. Because I am still parenting though, I have a chance to change and do it right. Every Saturday, I would like to share a mistake that I have made in parenting with other foster and adoptive parents. In doing this, I hope to help some parents avoid these mistakes or realize that they too, are doing this, and nip it. I hope you look forward to reading, Parenting Mistakes, Saturday, or PMS. Feel free to share or contribute if you feel so inclined. You can email me privately if you have a topic that you want me to cover and you don’t want every else to know you suggested it. 

Immerse your teenagers in sports if possible, team sports that is. Most foster children are delayed in their physical abilities from lack of exposure. Many were either not allowed or did not have access to equipment to run, climb, jump, or play sports. What better way is there to help your children catch up with peers physically then to immerse them in sports. I normally choose team sports such as soccer, floor hockey, or volleyball. When there is a team effort, with everyone playing at once, it is less obvious if one person is deficient. When the team wins, they receive praise from spectators and that includes the foster children. Therefore, their self-esteem is increased and this encourages them to make more effort during the next game. Before you know it, your teenager might actually be a good player.

Well it was bound to happen sooner or later after all she is 19 years old and graduated from high school in June. I have had my foster daughter using the Depo Provera birth control shot for a couple of years already as a precautionary measure. Most girls in foster care do not wait until they are adults to start having sex. However, mentally she is more like a 10 year old, with an IQ in the 50 range. Precautionary measures were taken earlier because she can be influenced and persuaded by peers. Especially by those peers with the advantage of a normal IQ, who are initially attracted to her by her beauty and her outgoing personality. She has had her share of handsome suitors. However, once they spend some time talking to her and get to know her a little better, they realize her limitations and do not stick around.

After high school she enrolled in a work training program for six weeks. All of the students in the training program had some type of impairments. Some were emotionally impaired; others were mentally or physically impaired. It was nice for her in a way, because for the first time, she was actually surrounded by her real peers. She felt like she fit in, and made some real friendships with people her own age. Previously, most of her friends were 8 to 10 years younger then her. She started spending time with her newfound friends, which I encouraged. They went to the beach and the mall like typical teenagers and had a great time together.

On Their Own: Creating an Independent Future for Your Adult Child with Learning Disabilities and ADHD: A Family Guide author: Anne Ford,John-Richard Thompson asin: 1557047596

Today we had one of those moments that you dream about with an older adopted RAD child. If you have an older adopted child, then you already know how many times you repeat directions. If you have a RAD child, then you already know that your child is going to do either the opposite of what you asked or almost, but not quite, what you asked. Another huge issue is lying, stealing, manipulating, and destroying property when parenting a RAD child. Lying is a part of life with an older adopted child, or traumatized child. It is one of their techniques to maintain some control over their lives and offers them a safety net for lack of a better term. However, today I think we may have had a RAD breakthrough with our older adopted daughter. 

Even birth or newborn adopted children typically go through a period of lying around eight-years-old or so. That is when children seem to realize that they have some control and autonomy. They use lying as one of the methods of separating themselves from their parents' control and flexing their independence muscles.

Ever since John McCain chose Sarah Palin as his running mate, I have heard several people criticize the fact that Sarah Palin wants to be Vice President while parenting a baby with Down Syndrome. That got me thinking about all of the people who adopt special needs children. How many of those adoptive parents hear criticism about their choice to return to work after adopting a child with special needs?

On the one hand, I understand that a special needs child requires more attention than a typical child. I live with an adopted child with special needs. My son has both asthma and attention deficit-hyperactivity disorder (ADHD). I have to pour more of myself into him than I see many other parents doing. That is not to say that other people do not invest in their children – only that I seem to have to invest so much more in order to meet my son’s special needs.

On the other hand, I need a break because of how much work is involved in parenting my adopted child with special needs.

One of the newest trends in intercountry adoption is the adoption of children who are HIV positive. The number has risen as doors to adoption in other countries have closed and more prospective adoptive parents are turning to countries such as Ethiopia to adopt. One of the concerns posed by these prospective adoptive parents is if their other children at home are at risk of getting HIV if they adopt a child with HIV?

Firstly, you need not worry about the HIV being transmitted to your other children. According to the Child Care Law Center in San Francisco :

To date, there are no documented cases of transmission of HIV in a child care setting, even through biting."

Only if your child’s health deteriorates will you need to reevaluate this situation with your child’s doctor.

The U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) recently completed a study led by Robert Hahn on traumatized child therapy. Someone apparently noticed the wide variety of therapies used to treat children who have suffered trauma through either abuse or exposure to violence. Therapies used to treat these children include drugs, art, play therapy, talk therapy, and cognitive behavioral therapy to name a few of the more common ones. The CDC claims that while more than 75 percent of health professionals use alternative therapies to treat children with Posttraumatic Stress Disorder there is no evidence supporting their effectiveness.

The CDC report indicates that old-fashioned talk therapy works and is the tried and true method. Robert Hahn stated that substantial research supports children, including teens suffering from PTSD, benefit from individual and group cognitive behavioral therapy. In cognitive therapy, a trained counselor uses techniques to change a person’s thoughts and beliefs.

 Lisa wrote a disturbing blog yesterday, Adopted and Abused, about an adopted child who was severely abused. She wondered why a person would desperately want a child, pursue an adoption, and then abuse the child. I imagine most people in her shoes would be dumbfounded. Those who adopt infants without special needs certainly do cherish every moment with them. Here is a quote from Lisa’s blog.