Linny and her husband have adopted several times: Internationally, through the foster/adopt system, and transracially through domestic adoption. Five of these adoptions were infants; three were "older child" adoptions. They have known the joys and disappointments of adoption having placed one child into residential care, dissolving the adoption of another child, and having one child re-adopted. Linny and her husband have adopted one more time.......bringing a total of four at home....ages 8yrs to 1yr. Dissolution of an adoption…Linny …copyright 2010

The nausea in your stomach and emotional pain that continues to live in your soul each and every day you’ve considered this position has not gone away.

Adoption is forever"…or so you’ve been told and believed from the start.You’ve had other children who were adopted and living with them has been alright….so you figure---somehow---you’ve been a decent parent. You’ve tried everything in therapies, counseling, disciplines. Nothing has worked successfully for your child.

You promised to love and care for this child from the start. But now, the problem is much bigger than ‘be patient, stay steadfast and love will conquer all’….much bigger. The child’s now a danger---physically and/or sexually, and/or emotionally----to your other children. Whose rights do you now consider?

In the world of adoption, you‘re committing the ultimate sin. Just the thought that you could separate yourself from your child through dissolution is enough to make the best counselor turn red from anger.

But of course, most counselors have never had a sexual offender nor a child who’s capable of killing animals and children in their home.

Books on adoption don’t want to include this aspect of adoption, though it happens more often than you think. Society doesn’t want to even consider it, because it means that some children are head towards committing horrific crimes and lack a conscience. That doesn’t sit well with those who write "‘Fun Facts about Little Johnny" in the waiting children section of the DCF, nor make for good advertisement in the "Home For the Holidays" specials on TV. Much of this‘head in the sand thinking comes from those who have no idea what it’s like to ‘live the walk’. This isn’t a case that calls for simple solutions, some counseling with the family, and everyone walks away thinking, "Gee, the sun will come out tomorrow." Far from it.

Blake made the following comment on one of ouradopt blogs. “That’s true for everyone, including you, not just adoptive kids. Also, everyone lies, not just kids. You try being adopted.” I would first like to let Blake know that she is not alone in thinking this way. We have had other readers make similar comments, which is why I would like to address the issue. Since it is a new year here at ouradopt, I thought it might be time to remind our readers about the scope of our blogs. It is true Blake, that most of our adoption related topics are true for all types of people, not just adoptees. The reason we use the word adoption in most of our titles and in our blogs is to help readers find us. You see, Google, Yahoo Search, Bing and other search engines find topics that people are searching for by “Key Words” that are used. Since we want adoptees, adoptive parents, birthmothers, those considering adoption, and adoption professionals to find us, we must use the adoption “Key Words” to help them find us.

We have found my adopted daughter’s birthmother in Guatemala. The searcher who took this upon herself has sent us photographs and updated information.

Three years and ten months ago I was getting acquainted with my soon to be adopted daughter in a hotel in Guatemala City. A new friend and fellow adoptive parent asked me if I’d ever want to meet my daughter’s birthmother. At that time, I clearly remember saying “no”; having an “involved” birthmother was not something I wanted.

No sooner had I brought Ella home from Guatemala and I found myself poring over the adoption documents learning whatever I could about the birthparents and trying to fill in the spaces between the lines. I wanted to meet the person who had given birth to this baby who was incredibly adorable and loveable, to share the important milestones with her, and thank her for the ultimate and painful sacrifice she had made. I decided that one day I would search for her even though she had requested no future contact. Perhaps she had changed her mind.

My gut instinct said “go ahead, do it.” 

It was the right decision

Other reasons I had a birthmother search done:

1. Listening to adoptees over the last four years convinced me of an adoptee’s need to have as much information about her birthparents as possible, and in some cases the opportunity to meet them as well.

2. Most birthmothers in Guatemala want to know that their child is alive, healthy, and loved. So many rumors about the welfare of adopted children circulate in Guatemala, the worst being that they are adopted for their body organs.

Our Guest Blogger today is Paula, an adoptee and an adoptive mother. Paula’s blogs about adoption and adoptees are insightful, thought provoking and at times heart wrenching. You can read more of her outstanding blogs at Heart, Mind and Seoul.

A conversation I had a few days ago with one of my daughter's friends reminded me how far we still have to go in deconstructing the negative association that so many people have about kids who are adopted. The recent conversation with this particular 10 year-old boy pretty much mirrored the several dozen other discussions I've had with children about adoption. Sure, there is always a little variation on the words and how things are phrased, but the overall message is essentially the same. First - a little background about the impetus of this particular conversation, just in case people are wondering if I go around grilling random kids about adoption. My daughter's friend, let's call him Sam, knows that my son and I are both adopted, and he asked me some very pointed questions about my "real" mom and dad. Before I addressed his questions, I first asked Sam for his definition of adoption. I often do this whenever I'm talking to kids about adoption in an attempt to gauge where the child's level of understanding is about the concept. Here was Sam's reply when I asked him what he thought it meant to be adopted:

"Well, being adopted is when the kids that nobody wants are put into an orphanage and then if the kid is really good, someone rich will pick them and buy them to have in their family."

Now, to be sure, whenever I hear someone talk about a child being bought, I cringe. And yet Sam's understanding of adoption was so familiar to me - including the part of a child being available for purchase. His succinct albeit limited understanding of adoption was wholly consistent with virtually every other conversation I've had with kids about adoption. In fact, based on my own personal experiences, the recurring themes that that eventually emerge from just about any adoption conversation I've had with a child between the ages of 4-16 are the following:

Adopted Children:

1) Are unwanted

2) Can become more desirable when they exhibit good behavior, i.e. being the perfect child

3) Are thought of as a commodity; they are a good that is exchanged in a transaction typically received by someone considered rich or well-to-do

4) Are disposable; their permanence in their adoptive family is always conditional

5) Deserve pity, because they are the kids who no one wants