Adoption Under One Roof

It took a long time, but I have completed my series on each aftereffect covered in the Incest Survivor’s Aftereffects Checklist. I hope that everyone learned a lot about each of the aftereffects and now recognizes that each aftereffect is a normal aftereffect of child abuse. For easy reference, you can click here to read any of my blogs on this topic.

While most of you who are parenting foster or adopted children who were abused (particularly sexually abused) might have been familiar with many of these aftereffects, my guess is that most of you were surprised by at least a few of them. I, myself, was surprised to learn that many of my idiosyncrasies were actually normal aftereffects of long-term sexual abuse.

Before working through the healing process, I believed that I was fundamentally f@#$ed in the head but did not know why. I had no conscious memories of any of the sexual abuse, but I had a long list of seemingly unrelated things “wrong” with me. I had phobias, panic attacks, anxiety, obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), suicidal urges, an eating disorder, and other seemingly unrelated issues, but I had no idea why I was plagued with so many issues. Nothing I remembered about my childhood could explain it. I just assumed that I must be “crazy” and that I needed to hide my “craziness” from everyone.

I am taking a break from the Incest Survivor’s Aftereffects Checklist series to give you my annual reminder about Halloween and traumatized children. If you are parenting a foster or adopted child who has been traumatized, it is very important that you remember that your child might react differently to Halloween than you expect.

If your foster or adopted child was abused after dark, being outside trick-or-treating might be triggering to your child. Seeing people walking around in masks and hoods can also be very triggering for your child, particularly if any of his or her abusers wore masks during the abuse.

I am working through each aftereffect covered in the Incest Survivor’s Aftereffects Checklist. Today, I am addressing this aftereffect:

35. Compulsive honesty or compulsive dishonesty (lying)

This aftereffect is yet another example of how abused children tend to go to one extreme or the other. I was the compulsive truth-teller, and my sister was the compulsive liar. Both are normal aftereffects of child abuse and trauma.

Compulsive truth-tellers feel the need to “rat themselves out” without knowing why. Telling the truth is truly a compulsion. While having an honest child might sound great to a parent, compulsive truth-telling going far beyond being honest. I would volunteer information that nobody even asked about to sabotage myself.

I am working through each aftereffect covered in the Incest Survivor’s Aftereffects Checklist. Today, I am addressing this aftereffect:

33. Stealing (adults); fire-starting (children)

I have no idea why this is an aftereffect, but I can tell you that this is absolutely true for some child abuse survivors. (This is one of the few aftereffects I have covered that does not apply to me.)

My sister was into both stealing and starting fires as a child, and I did not realize this was an aftereffect of the child abuse until reading this list. My sister was obsessed with fire. She kept a box of matches in our shared bathroom so she could light her hair mousse on fire. She thought it was fun to fill the sink with styling mousse and then drop a lit match into it. As soon as the match hit the mousse, a huge flame would result and then the mousse would disappear. I was taken aback by this, but my sister thought it was great fun.

I am working through each aftereffect covered in the Incest Survivor’s Aftereffects Checklist. Today, I am addressing this aftereffect:

31. Limited tolerance for happiness; active withdrawal from/ reluctance to trust happiness (“ice = thin”)

This aftereffect is an interesting one that people generally don’t talk about. I struggled most of my life with “fearing” happiness. In fact, I was so happy after adopting my son that I spent the first year of his life convinced that one of us (or both) was going to die. It didn’t help that I read James Patterson’s book Suzanne’s Diary for Nicholas that year. (If you have read the book, you know what I am talking about.) I wrote a ton of letters and journals (which are still in a safe deposit box) to my son so he would know who his mother was. I was absolutely convinced that I would be “punished” by being so happy as a mom.