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Trauma Thursday

Trauma Thursday: “All or Nothing” Mentality

Submitted by FaithA on Thu, 09/02/2010 - 06:05
  • all in or all out
  • child abuse
  • Foster adoption
  • Foster care
  • lack of balance
  • lack of moderation
  • no balance
  • no moderation
  • Older child adoption
  • Trauma Thursday
  • Traumatized children
  • “all or nothing” mentality
  • “black and white” mentality

Traumatized Adopted Child (c) JulieC

A common aftereffect of child abuse is the “all or nothing” mentality or seeing the world in “black and white” instead of in shades of gray. I recently wrote about my own struggles with this on my personal blog. You can read that for an example of how the “all or nothing” mentality can play out in the life of an adult. Since most of you who are reading this blog entry are parenting traumatized children, I will provide an example that you might see in your child.

Let’s say that Susy is invited to join the girl scouts. She might immerse herself in girl scouts. She cannot miss a meeting and has a complete fit if you try to get her to miss even a less important, optional gathering. If the goal for the scouts is to earn three badges during a period of time, she might insist on earning even more. She takes on any extra responsibilities asked of her with a smile on her face. Her life revolves around the girl scouts.

At some point, Susy will become so immersed in girl scouts that there is no balance in her life. She winds up missing out on other wonderful opportunities because she cannot say no to any girl scout-related activity. And then, out of seemingly nowhere, she wants to quit altogether. As the parent, you are baffled because this child has lived and breathed girl scouts for so long, but she will not even consider staying even marginally involved. It’s all or nothing, and she is 100% “out.”

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Trauma Thursday: PTSD and Obsession with Safety (Hypervigilance)

Submitted by FaithA on Thu, 08/26/2010 - 06:58
  • child abuse
  • feeling unsafe
  • Foster adoption
  • Foster care
  • hypervigilance
  • obsession with safety
  • Older child adoption
  • PTSD
  • Trauma Thursday
  • Traumatized children

Traumatized Adopted Child (c) JulieC

A reader would like to talk about post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and an obsession with safety. Being obsessed with safety is a common aftereffect of PTSD. The term used for this obsession with safety is hypervigilance.

Most police officers and soldiers are hypervigilant because they know what it is like to be unsafe and will instantly react to keep themselves safe. You might be able to sneak up on a friend without any hypervigilance issues and get her to scream before laughing about startling her. However, you don’t want to sneak up on a police officer or soldier like that or you might find a knife at your throat!

The same reasons that a police officer or soldier are hypervigilant apply to foster or adopted children with PTSD. Just like a police officer or soldier, the child knows what it is like to be hurt, so she is on guard for being hurt again. She is constantly scanning her surroundings, just like the police officer and soldier, for signs of danger. Her reactions are going to be quick because she is always in “sentry mode,” prepared to take action to protect herself, if needed.

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Trauma Thursday: 504 Accommodations for PTSD

Submitted by FaithA on Thu, 08/19/2010 - 06:54
  • 504 accommodations for PTSD
  • 504 Plan
  • child abuse
  • Foster adoption
  • Foster care
  • Older child adoption
  • PTSD
  • Trauma Thursday
  • Traumatized children

Traumatized Adopted Child (c) JulieC A reader wants to know about 504 accommodations for post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). I have covered this topic a few times, which you can read about here:

  • Special Needs Adoption: IEP Versus 504 Plan
  • IEP and 504 Plans for the Adopted Child with Special Needs
  • Trauma Thursday: Does PTSD or RAD Qualify for a 504 Plan?

As I shared before, my own sister has a 504 plan in place for PTSD at the college level. She is intelligent and clearly knows all of the material being discussed in the classroom. However, if she takes a test in a crowded room, she will fail miserably. The reason is that, thanks to the PTSD, she does not feel “safe” unless she can identify the origin of every noise around her. So, each time another student clears his throat or drops her pencil, my sister’s focus moves to assessing the origin of the noise instead of the test. As a result, she fails the test. The college gave her 504 accommodations for a private testing room, and she now does well on all of her tests.

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Trauma Thursday: Warning Signs for Sexual Abuse by a Female

Submitted by FaithA on Thu, 08/12/2010 - 06:38
  • child abuse
  • female predators
  • female sexual abuse
  • Foster adoption
  • Foster care
  • Older child adoption
  • sexual abuse by women
  • Trauma Thursday
  • Traumatized children

Traumatized Adopted Child (c) JulieC

Last week, I wrote a blog entry on my personal blog about the aftereffects of sexual abuse by a female perpetrator. I have decided to reprint part of it here because foster and adoptive parents need to be familiar with the warning signs. If you are parenting a foster or adopted child who was sexually abused by a woman, you need to know what to look for.

Here are 20 “red flags” that could indicate that a child has been sexually abused by a woman. These are aftereffects that I have observed in numerous people who have been sexually abused by woman. I wrote this list for adults (mostly for women), but you might notice some of these issues in your teenager. Several of the red flags are specific to mother-daughter sexual abuse (or sexual abuse by a mother figure), but others apply to sexual abuse by any woman:

  • FaithA's blog
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Trauma Thursday: How to Protect Adopted Child from Abusive Biological Mother

Submitted by FaithA on Thu, 07/29/2010 - 06:26
  • abusive biological mother
  • abusive birth mother
  • child abuse
  • Foster adoption
  • Foster care
  • Older child adoption
  • Trauma Thursday
  • Traumatized children

Traumatized Adopted Child (c) JulieC

A reader wants to know how to protect his adopted children from their abusive biological mother. The focus of the blog entry is limited to abusive biological birth parents and should not be applied to situations that do not involve some form of abuse.

The best way to protect your adopted children from their abusive biological mother is to cut off all contact with her. Do not agree to an open adoption. (I understand that some social workers try to “force” these agreements as part of the adoption. Don’t agree to it.) Change your phone to an unlisted number. Move away if you have to. Do whatever you have to do to keep your adopted children safe.

While some people might not be supportive of your decision, anyone who understands trauma knows that severing all ties with an abuser is best for the child. For whatever reason, Western culture purports that maintaining contact between a mother and her child is always in the child’s best interest. That is a lie, and I know this firsthand.

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Trauma Thursday: Intensity of the Traumatized Child

Submitted by FaithA on Thu, 07/22/2010 - 06:06
  • child abuse
  • Foster adoption
  • Foster care
  • intensity
  • Older child adoption
  • Trauma Thursday
  • Traumatized children

Traumatized Adopted Child (c) JulieC

One word that described many traumatized foster or adopted children is intense. Intensity is a common trait among child abuse survivors, so don’t be surprised if your abused foster or adopted child can be described this way. It is completely normal.

If you think about it, intensity is a natural aftereffect of having lived through intense life experiences. In order to survive intense experiences, you are going to have to become a bit intense yourself. Abused children who have survived severe trauma are going to have to will themselves to survive it.

I rarely meet child abuse survivors that I would describe as frivolous. When you have lived through trauma, you don’t have the luxury of getting too worked up over things like whether off-white or eggshell would make a better paint color for the window sills. The child abuse survivor’s energy is, instead, directed toward surviving the abuse and then either toward avoiding healing or trying to heal. No matter which direction the child goes, it is going to be an intense experience.

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Trauma Thursday: Not All Birth Parents are “Good”

Submitted by FaithA on Thu, 07/15/2010 - 06:14
  • abusive birth parents
  • Adoptive parenting
  • child abuse
  • Foster adoption
  • Foster care
  • Older child adoption
  • Talking about adoption
  • talking about birth parents with abused children
  • Trauma Thursday
  • Traumatized children

Traumatized Adopted Child (c) JulieC

Yesterday, I blogged about a disturbing news story: Birth Mother Imprisoned for Raping 14-Year-Old Birth Son. This news story is a perfect example of one area of adoption in which I vehemently disagree with many adoption experts (social workers, etc.). Many adoption experts will tell you that adoptive parents should never speak unkindly about a birth parent around the birth child. Some will even go as far as to say that adoptive parents should look for positive traits to talk about, even when the child’s birth parent severely abused the child.

Speaking as an adult survivor of child abuse, that advice is terrible and is potentially damaging to the abused child and can even impede your ability to bond with your abused foster or adopted child. Let’s take this case for example. This 14-year-old boy’s birth mother found him through Facebook. She reached out to him and offered him a relationship. The boy likely expected to find another mother – another woman who loved him and would always take care of him. Instead, she raped him at least twice.

Do you really think that this traumatized boy needs to hear, “I know she raped you, but she cared enough about to you try to contact you” or “I am sure she is a good person when she is not raping you”?

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Trauma Thursday: Unnecessary Enemas as Part of Sexual Abuse

Submitted by FaithA on Thu, 07/01/2010 - 06:48
  • child abuse
  • enemas
  • Foster adoption
  • Foster care
  • Older child adoption
  • sexual abuse
  • Trauma Thursday
  • Traumatized children

Traumatized Adopted Child (c) JulieC

One form of sexual abuse that is common but gets little attention is giving children unnecessary enemas. This form of sexual abuse appears to be more common with female abusers based upon the stories I have read from fellow child abuse survivors. I wrote about this topic on my personal blog here.

In fact, I first learned about the prevalence of child abuse through enemas, tubes, etc. through a message board for survivors of mother-daughter sexual abuse. This was not a form of abuse that I suffered, which put me in the minority among those sharing their mother-daughter sexual abuse stories on this particular message board. This form of sexual abuse was a common theme for most of the women frequenting this support board. Here is an article about one child abuser being tried for inflicting this form of abuse .

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Trauma Thursday: Gravity of PTSD

Submitted by FaithA on Thu, 06/24/2010 - 05:56
  • child abuse
  • Foster adoption
  • Foster care
  • Older child adoption
  • post-traumatic stress disorder
  • PTSD
  • Trauma Thursday
  • Traumatized children

Traumatized Adopted Child (c) JulieC

Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is a big deal, right? You will probably be surprised to learn that many people who have been diagnosed with PTSD have a very difficult time accepting this about themselves. I truly did not even believe that I had PTSD because I believed that my abuse “wasn’t that bad” and that others had it worse than I did.

I remember the day my therapist told me that I had a diagnosis of PTSD. I didn’t understand why he had “PTSD” written at the top of a white board with a bunch of familiar symptoms listed below it. Yes, I could relate to those symptoms, but I didn’t have something that serious, did I? Incredulously, I asked him if he really believed that I had PTSD. I remember his understated head nod in response. I was floored!

Why do many people with PTSD resist accepting the gravity of their diagnosis? It all ties into the survival instinct. No abused child can risk falling into despair, so abused children find ways to keep on going while living in a hopeless situation. One way they do this is by minimizing their experience. If the abuse “isn’t that bad,” then they can continue to endure. If they accept the reality – that they are completely helpless to stop the abuse from happening – then they lose the will to keep on fighting to survive.

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Trauma Thursday: How to Deal with Abused Children

Submitted by FaithA on Thu, 06/17/2010 - 06:13
  • Abused Children
  • child abuse
  • Foster adoption
  • Foster care
  • how to deal with abused children
  • Older child adoption
  • Trauma Thursday
  • Traumatized children

Traumatized Adopted Child (c) JulieC

A reader would like to know how to deal with abused children. In most respects, abused children are like other children. They like to play, go out for ice cream, etc. They are not like an alien species. Abused children are still, at their core, children with the same needs as any other child. Nevertheless, there are definitely differences that anyone who will be dealing with abused children needs to know.

First of all, abused children have major issues with trust. Their trust has been violated in a huge way by someone they trusted, so abused children are generally wary of trusting anyone with anything. So, if you are going to deal with abused children, you must be trustworthy in the little things as well as the big things. If an abused child cannot trust you to show up on time, why would he trust you to keep him safe?

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