Trauma Tuesday

Trauma Tuesday: Parenting for Adopted Child’s Emotional Age

Submitted by FaithA on Tue, 08/24/2010 - 06:04

Traumatized Adopted Child (c) Julie C

A reader would like to talk about parenting for the emotional age of the adopted child. I live this every day, so I feel well-qualified to talk about this topic. I am posting this blog entry under Trauma Tuesday because many abused foster and adopted children have emotional ages that are different from their chronological ages due to the trauma that they suffered. However, a child can have emotional delays even without experiencing trauma. (My adopted child is an example of this.)

First, let me explain what I mean by “emotional age.” My son is 9-1/2 years old, but he still likes to watch TV shows intended for preschool children. He knows that his friends prefer to watch shows for older kids (and my son likes those shows, too), so he does not share this interest publicly. If a typical 9-year-old child watched one of these shows, he would complain about it being “boring” and “stupid.” However, my son will giggle and take pride in knowing the answers to the questions being asked. It seems to build his confidence that he knows all of the answers.

My son has across-the-board learning disabilities, which accounts for the lower emotional age. However, traumatized children also frequently have a lower emotional age. The reason for this is unmet needs, which I have blogged about a few times:

Trauma Tuesday: Cold Chills

Submitted by FaithA on Tue, 08/17/2010 - 06:04

Traumatized Adopted Child (c) Julie C

A reader wants to know about “cold chills” experienced by abused children and adult survivors of child abuse. The reader says that, when she talks about sensitive topics, she gets a “cold chill” over her entire body as if she was “frozen” inside.

I spent most of my life feeling cold and “frozen inside,” so I know exactly what she is talking about. In fact, I could feel myself “thaw” inside as I went through therapy and healed from the child abuse. The coolest thing was that my Reiki master could “feel” it, too. I started seeing a Reiki master when I had been in therapy for about a year. When she did Reiki, I could feel the energy flow in my head through my shoulders to around my chest. However, I could feel no energy whatsoever in the rest of my body.

I said nothing to the Reiki master, but she brought the topic up herself. She said that it felt like I had wood in my legs because no energy was getting through. I corrected her and said, “No, it is ice.”

Trauma Tuesday: DID is a Real Disorder

Submitted by FaithA on Tue, 08/10/2010 - 06:11

Traumatized Adopted Child (c) Julie C

Yesterday, I wrote a scathing blog entry on my personal blog about this article, which listed dissociative identity disorder (DID) as the #7 most controversial psychiatric disorder. Despite the “controversy” surrounding a DID diagnosis, DID will be included in the updated version of the fifth edition of Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5), which is scheduled for publication in May 2013.

DID has been included in the DSM for a very long time (originally under the label of “multiple personality disorder”) and will continue to be included in the fifth edition, so I don’t understand why this diagnosis continues to be viewed by many as “controversial.” Perhaps the controversy sells ad space for television talk shows??

If you are parenting a foster or adopted child with a diagnosis of DID, you need to know that DID is a real disorder and not doubt your child’s experience. DID is caused by severe and ongoing trauma beginning before the age of six. Children over age six and adults who endure ongoing and severe trauma (including prisoners of war) do not develop this disorder.

Trauma Tuesday: Feeling Unwanted after Foster Care

Submitted by FaithA on Tue, 07/27/2010 - 06:04

Traumatized Adopted Child (c) Julie C

Unfortunately, feeling unwanted is a normal aftereffect of rejection. Children who have been in the foster care system frequently feel unwanted because there was nobody who wanted them enough to keep them out of the foster care system. Many of these children were also abused or neglected before entering the foster care system, and feeling unwanted is also a normal aftereffect of being traumatized. Combine the two, and you are likely to have a child (or adult) who goes through life feeling unwanted – like there is no place in the world for him or her. It’s a lonely feeling experienced by many more people than you might realize.

I have no experience with being a foster child, but I do have ample experience with being an abused child and feeling unwanted. When your own mother is abusing you and allowing her friends to abuse you, and your own father does not stop the abuse, you feel very much unwanted. On top of this, whenever a child has different life experiences than the norm, the child feels different from her peers, which only fuels the feelings of being unwanted.

Trauma Tuesday: Recovering Memories in Pieces

Submitted by FaithA on Tue, 07/20/2010 - 06:50

Traumatized Adopted Child (c) Julie C

I just had another flashback this morning, so I thought today would be a good day to blog about what it feels like. In a nutshell, it feels awful.

The thing is … having a flashback is actually a very healing experience, which is something it has taken me a long time to appreciate. Although my head is hurting and I have taken Xanax to calm my anxiety, I know in the moment that experiencing this flashback is a big step toward emotional health. Now that I have recovered this piece of my life’s puzzle, I am one step closer to understanding myself. I can also nurture and love the wounded little girl inside that has been holding onto this pain for decades.

Sometimes all of the information you need for a flashback comes at once, but other times (for the more traumatizing memories), it can come in pieces. That is what happened to me with this memory. I have suspected the “what” for several months, but the kicker was the “who.” This was yet another person in my life who I did not trust but who I did not consciously remember violating me, too.

It takes a lot of courage to recover all of the pieces of a repressed memories, especially one that is stored in pieces like this one was.

Trauma Tuesday: What is “Normal” Masturbation in a Young Girl?

Submitted by FaithA on Tue, 07/13/2010 - 06:55

Traumatized Adopted Child (c) Julie C

A reader emailed Adoption Under One Roof a question about how much and what type of masturbation is normal in a young girl. The email covers some of the following concerns with a four-year old girl:

  • Chronic yeast infections
  • Not yet potty-trained
  • Masturbating by using seatbelt while in car seat
  • Putting both hands in panties to masturbate, which has been happening since eight months old

The email also covered the following concerns with a six-year-old girl:

  • Masturbates before bedtime
  • Lays on stomach with legs drawn up, hands between legs, and “humps”

Trauma Tuesday: Free Association Writing

Submitted by FaithA on Tue, 06/29/2010 - 06:26

Traumatized Adopted Child (c) Julie C

For those of you who have never heard of free association writing, it is a very effective way of getting inside your own head and figuring out what you need to focus upon in therapy. In a nutshell, you either get a pen and paper or sit in front of the computer and simple write what comes with no filter or thought process. Some people find that free association writing is even more effective if they write with their non-dominant hand, such as a right-handed person writing with the left hand.

What is the purpose of free association writing? For any traumatized foster or adopted child, free association writing can help the child understand what is bothering him subconsciously. He might feel agitated but not know why. Free association writing is a way to access the subconscious mind and figure out what is brewing beneath the surface.

I have written several blog entries about free association writing on my personal blog that you can read here. Here is an example of free association writing I did as an adult last year after recovering the memory (experiencing a flashback) of the first time I was raped (when I was around 6 or 7):

Trauma Tuesday: Accepting That Some Things Will Never Change

Submitted by FaithA on Tue, 06/22/2010 - 06:43

Traumatized Adopted Child (c) Julie C

As someone who was abused as a child, one of the most difficult pills to swallow has been accepting that some things are never going to change. When I entered into therapy, I wanted the therapist to “make me normal,” which I defined as removing all post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) symptoms. My therapist told me that this was an unrealistic goal, which was something that I did not want to hear. I would imagine that anyone parenting an abused child does not want to hear this, either.

My therapist went on to say that, while my PTSD would never be “over,” it would get easier as I learned how to manage it. Instead of being triggered for weeks, I would learn how to pull myself out after only hours or days. He has been right about this. The worst triggering I have had in a while only lasted for four days. While I felt every minute of those four days (and they felt like an eternity), I was better within days (although I did wind up catching a cold on heels of my triggering). A few years ago, I would have given anything to pull out of a nosedive within four days.

Trauma Tuesday: What to do if You Think Adopted Child has Been Abused

Submitted by FaithA on Tue, 06/08/2010 - 06:59

Traumatized Adopted Child (c) Julie C

A reader wants to know what to do if you think your adopted child has been abused. The first step is to talk to your adopted child. Tell your adopted child that he or she can tell you anything (and mean it). If your adopted child tells you that he was abused (either before or after placement with you), get your adopted child into therapy with a qualified child therapist right away. This applies even for a single incident of abuse. Even one incident of abuse is too many and will cause your adopted child psychological damage. Therapy can go a long way toward helping your child.

If your child does not tell you that he was abused, then you will need to do some investigative work. If your intuition is telling you that your adopted child has suffered from abuse, listen to that voice. Here are some websites that list possible warning signs of abuse:

Trauma Tuesday: What Does a Traumatized Child Think of God?

Submitted by FaithA on Tue, 06/01/2010 - 06:14

Traumatized Adopted Child (c) Julie C

A reader wants to know what a traumatized foster or adopted child thinks about God. That is a loaded question that is really specific to each individual child.

A common issue that abused children wrestle with is the question of where God was when the abuse was happening. A child can go many directions with this question and is likely to continue wrestling with this question into adulthood. One child might see God’s hand in removing the child from the abuse and leading him to a loving foster or adoptive home. Another child might believe that God abandoned her and is, therefore, not to be trusted. Both reactions are normal and common among children who have been traumatized.

A traumatized child’s feelings toward God can become more conflicted based upon what they are told about God. Unfortunately, many churches espouse things about God that are simply not biblical. For example, my church had a Vacation Bible School program that taught children a song about God keeping them safe. I wrote a letter to the director of the program requesting that song be removed from the program because it is simply not true.