Adoption Under One Roof

I am working through each aftereffect covered in the Incest Survivor’s Aftereffects Checklist. Today, I am addressing this aftereffect:

9. Need to be invisible, perfect, or perfectly bad

I have shared many times that a telltale sign of a trauma survivor is acting in extremes. That is why this symptom addresses “being perfect” as well as being “perfectly bad.”

The “perfect” trauma survivor fears doing anything wrong because mistakes were punished severely in an abusive home. Sadly, the abuse would have happened anyhow, but the traumatized child believes that, if he had just been “good enough,” then he would have been spared the abuse. He believes he is fundamentally “bad” and works overtime to try to be “perfect.”

The “perfectly bad” trauma survivor also feels like she is fundamentally “bad” inside, but instead of trying to make up for it, she chooses to embrace that identity. This is about taking her power back.

Dear Adoption Maharishi,

My son and daughter-in-law adopted a 13-year-old child with reactive attachment disorder (RAD). It’s been a nightmare. The kid is great at school, but he is very difficult to live with at home. While I respect my son and his wife for wanting to help this kid, I wonder whether he can ever be a normal child. Is a 13-year-old with RAD curable?

~ Concerned Grandma

I am working through each aftereffect covered in the Incest Survivor’s Aftereffects Checklist. Today, I am addressing this aftereffect:

8. Phobias, panic, anxiety

Oh, boy. Where do I even start with this one??

It is very common for trauma survivors to suffer from phobias. Adoptive and foster parents need to know that phobias have a trauma-based caused. For example, I am not just randomly frightened of Russian nesting dolls. My abusers used Russian nesting dolls as a way to instill a phobia in me. Whenever I see a Russian nesting doll, it triggers sheer panic of my sister being killed because my abusers specifically told me that they would choke her to death with the smallest doll.

The same “connect the dots” is happening whenever a trauma survivor has a phobia. Whatever caused the phobia, there is a very rational explanation for the traumatized child feelings of panic.

Panic attacks are also a very common aftereffect of trauma. I used to have panic attacks every few weeks from my teens years on through adulthood until I entered into therapy. I had no idea what caused them. I would feel the anxiety build to a point where I could not handle it any longer. Then, my body would shake uncontrollably for 10 minutes or so as a way of releasing the anxiety.

I am working through each aftereffect covered in the Incest Survivor’s Aftereffects Checklist. Today, I am addressing this aftereffect:

7. Self-injury (cutting, burning, etc.) (physical pain is manageable) (this is an addictive pattern); self-destructiveness

Self-injury (or self-harm) is a very common aftereffect of trauma. Most people think of self-injury as cutting, but cutting is only one way of self-injuring. Some trauma survivors self-injure in other ways, such as by burning themselves, banging their heads, or plucking out their hair. More severe forms of self-injury include masturbating with sharp objects and trying to break your own bones.

I am working through each aftereffect covered in the Incest Survivor’s Aftereffects Checklist. Today, I am addressing this aftereffect:

6. Addictions, eating disorders, drug/alcohol overuse/abuse/or total abstinence; compulsive behaviors (including busyness)

Some people might be surprised to see substance abuse and eating disorders included together, but all of the behaviors included in #6 fall under the umbrella of addictions and compulsions. The same intensity that drives an alcoholic to the bottle is the same intensity that drives the bulimic to binge and purge.

Whether or not substance abuse and eating disorders are “diseases” is open to debate. There has been discussion about an “alcoholism gene” that can make one person more likely to succumb to alcoholism or drug addiction than another. If this gene does, in fact, exist, it can explain why a person struggles with one type of addiction/compulsion over another, but the underlying trauma is what drives the traumatized foster or adopted child to the addiction or compulsion in the first place.