One of the biggest frustrations for people who are parenting traumatized adopted children is the fact that their children frequently do not trust them. The foster or adoptive parents have been nothing but trustworthy, but the traumatized adopted child still refuses to trust. This dynamic can be quite frustrating and disheartening to adoptive parents.

Unfortunately, you have a long road ahead of you before your traumatized adopted child will begin to trust you. Even when the child chooses to trust you, it will likely only be in one area rather than blanket trust. This is an unfortunate reality for anyone who has suffered from trauma, particularly from abuse.

If you are parenting a traumatized adopted child, you might have to deal with panic attacks. Panic attacks can be scary to observe (and experience) if you do not know what is going on. However, panic attacks are actually a positive coping skill. A panic attack helps the traumatized adopted child to manage overwhelming anxiety.

I used to be plagued with panic attacks before healing from my history of child abuse. I reached the place where I could feel one coming on and hold it back until I could be alone in my room.

I would lie in my bed, and the shaking would begin. It would start with my head and move down to my entire body. My body would jerk so violently that my headboard would thump against the wall and disturb everyone in the house. It would get harder and harder until it felt like my body was going into convulsions.

I would hyperventilate while my body shook.

Hanna is 24 and has been working with children since she was a child. She and her husband have been married for seven years and she recently finished a BS in Early Childhood Development. Her husband is a computer guru who has a gift for working with troubled kids. They are currently in the process of getting licensed for foster care and being placed with an 11 year old girl, whom they are planning to adopt.

The ironic thing is that when you get married at 17 many people assume that there is a baby involved. Seven years later, we are one of the last couples we know who do not have at least one child. I found out yesterday that one of my best friends from high school and his wife are expecting their first child, after only being married one year. Last week I found out that my stepbrother and his new bride got pregnant on their honeymoon at the beginning of July. I wish I knew how to be happy for them. I wish I knew how to keep these announcements from sending me into a whirlwind of emotions that I can’t do anything about, except pray…a lot.

My husband can’t quite understand why doing foster care is so important to me. I try to tell him that these feelings, these instincts are just sitting there, driving me crazy, and that my motherliness has to get out somehow. He still doesn’t and probably never will understand, but he understands that it is something I need to do, and at least he recognizes that these kids need his love as well.

If you are parenting a traumatized adopted child who has been diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), you might wonder what a flashback feels like. Before I had one, I had a very different idea about what a flashback was. I heard about veterans seeing the movie Saving Private Ryan and finding themselves “reliving” their trauma through flashbacks. I envisioned people who felt as if they had time traveled back to their past and lost touch with the reality of the present. This was very different from my experience with flashbacks.

Flashbacks generally come in one of two ways. One way is like what happened to those veterans: Something “triggers” the flashback because the sight, sound, smell, etc. reminds the person of the trauma. However, flashbacks do not necessarily need a trigger to come. Flashbacks also happen when the traumatized adopted child feels safe enough to begin healing from the trauma.

I need some advice about dealing with monthly menses of my foster daughter who has FAS. As you know, the Depo Provera shot is a relatively new form of birth control that us older folks didn’t have. Many teenagers really like it because it prevents their monthly periods for three months after each shot. Once every three months, women are to allow a regular menses and then have the shot to prevent another period for three more months. Depo Provera prevents the ovaries from releasing eggs by injecting a high level of progesterone and it is 97 to 99 percent effective as birth control. Many foster parents insist that their teenage foster daughters have the shot to prevent pregnancy. However, do you think it is advisable to use the shot to prevent periods when your foster daughter has hygiene care issues with her monthly menses?

On Trauma Thursday, I wrote about traumatized adopted children with Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID). Today, I would like to focus on recognizing DID in a traumatized adopted child.

DID is very difficult to recognize unless you know what you are looking for. Even then, it can be hard to see. If you are concerned about DID, the best starting point is understanding the profile of a person with DID.

DID only occurs in people who have suffered from severe trauma from an early age (generally beginning before age six). Children with DID tend to be people-pleasers, which is the whole point of DID – being able to “be” who the child is expected to be in different settings. Children with DID also tend to be highly intelligent.

Children with DID might generally seem one way most of the time, and that “one way” is usually very passive and obedient. However, if the child becomes triggered, he can suddenly act very differently. For example, he might usually allow other people to take advantage of him but then, out of nowhere, suddenly stand his ground very firmly or even in an “over the top” way.

Now Ma’am, if you would just calm down some, your child would not become so out of control. You are overreacting and scaring the poor darling. Children at this age need a little privacy and freedom from parenting. Is there anywhere she can go to let things cool down for a few days instead of the juvenile home? Look at her; she doesn’t belong there, why she looks like an eight year old.

Officer, before you give me parenting tips, you might want to check my child’s record. She was just released from the juvenile home last Monday. She is on house arrest and running away is a violation of her probation. She is actually 12 years old, and that was her third stay at the juvenile home. I need you to arrest this child for assault. I am pressing charges. You see the black eye that she gave me just before she threw her lunch across the kitchen? She wanted me to run to the store to get her a F*%$@&^ croissant for her sandwich and I wouldn’t do it.

Today's Guest Blogger is Jeanette Schnell. She has been a licensed foster parent in California for 16 years. She specializes in teen girls and teen moms. She started MWAS Productions and REALITYDENIED.COM in response to abuse she and her family have suffered while providing foster care for hard to place teens.

Well…. Last night as soon as we settled into our “afterglow,” I started to cry. Literally, cry and swallow my sobs while my husband, Scott lay there and ignored me. In my head I was railing about how much I missed this 18-year-old @%&* and “our sweet pea” and how unfair it all is. Allow me to digress, J, the 18-year-old, lived with us for 4 years, and we went through 4 years of foster parent hell with her. The first year she ran away 13 times, and each time I went to look for her at her boyfriends. She would hide in his closet or under his bed while his parents were gone. This 14-year-old would kiss us goodnight and then climb out her window and not be seen for 2 weeks at a time! The last time she ran away, I found her at Juvenile Hall, and found out she was pregnant. She came back “home” and we proceeded to prepare and support her and our family for the birth. Over the next 3 years, we continued to love and support her even through the happiest and unhappiest of circumstances, you know, regular foster parenting stuff; cutting school, more running away and leaving the baby with us, boys snuck into the house, theft, lying, etc. At this time last year, I though we were doing great. August is the anniversary of when our life with J and sweet pea began to unravel and we never even fully realized it. Is it a love like this that makes foster parents masochists? 

On Trauma Tuesday, I introduced the topic of dissociative disorders. Today, I would like to discuss the most extreme type of dissociative disorder, which is called dissociative identity disorder (DID). If you are unfamiliar with DID, you might recognize it by its former name – multiple personality disorder.

DID has gotten a bad rap in the media. When most people think about DID, they think about the movie Sybil. My biggest complaint about how DID is represented in the movies is its lack of subtlety. The whole point of DID is to be able to switch to different alter parts without anyone else knowing. The way that DID is portrayed in the movies is about as subtle as being hit by a truck.

DID is a brilliant way to survive extreme child abuse, and people with DID tend to be highly intelligent.

Dear Adoption Maharishi, 

DH and I are considering (really, in the early stages of considering) a special needs adoption. Specifically, the adoption of a child with limited mental capacity. In other words, this child, even as an adult, would not be expected to be able to care for her own needs. It's a sensitive question, but one that I'm wondering about. What plans do other adoptive parents make for their special needs children? As a special educator myself, I know that residential homes can be a good option for both parent and child, but I feel in my heart that I would be reluctant to place my child in a home. On the other hand, although we ADORE the adopted children we have now, DH and I are very much looking forward to time alone together, to a quiet home and mutual interests and exploring on vacation together and so on once the kids have flown the coop. If we adopt a special needs child, do we "owe" it to them to be their custodial parent forever? What happens when we pass on? When a couple gives birth to a special needs child, the dye is already cast. If an adoptive couple adopts a child, who is later found to have special needs, again, the dye is already cast. But in this instance, we would be CHOOSING a child who does not have the ability to move into a completely independent life-style as an adult. What do other adoptive parents in this situation do? 

So what do you think?

            Concerned Mom

Dear Concerned Mom,

Last week, I addressed half of this loaded question and promised to finish addressing it this week. Thank you for taking the time to pose a question that many people may have and yet do not know who or how to ask. Again, I’d like to reiterate that it takes a special kind of family to parent this type of special needs child. When choosing to parent a child with a very low IQ you are choosing to make some kind of lifetime parenting commitment to that child. Even if you choose to place the child in adult foster care at some point, and assign guardianship to the county, you will still feel obligated to ensure the child’s safety and wellbeing periodically.

There is some risk involved in placing your learning disabled (LD) child in an adult foster care home when chronological adulthood is achieved. These homes are not like a prison with guards watching over the adults. Many learning disabled adults are able to maintain jobs at places like Goodwill Industries while living in adult foster care. They may ride the city bus to and from work, to go shopping, and to hang out with their friends. You cannot force birth control on these adults so some end up giving birth. Many of these babies end up in foster care; they cannot live with the LD parent in adult foster care. There have also been cases of LD adults having sexual relations with employees of the adult foster care homes. These are not issues that parents like to think about in advance.