Preschool and Daycare

At this age there is only so much that children will have the ability to comprehend about what it mean to be adopted. Preschool children can understand the very basics of family and adoption.

They can grasp that:

• People who live together and care about each other are a family
• There are many different types of families
• family members do not have to live together in order to care about one another

Elementary School

Children entering into the first grade, or at roughly six years of age, will begin to:

• Understand feelings and concepts of grief and loss
• Understand feelings and concepts of abandonment
• Fantasize about their birth parents
• Place blame on themselves for their adoption

Even children who do not have learning disabilites can find it difficult to pay attention and learn their lessons, as they begin exploring their feelings about being adopted for the very first time.

Role play different possible situations with your child to make sure they understand the many different reactions (especially negative) they could face, and feel comfortable with, and understand how to react to them, if they choose to share their adoption story.

If you feel it is important to discuss adoption with your child's teacher, tell your child exactly what you will be talking about and why. Remember that ultimately the adoption and the events leading to it, is your child’s story, he or she has a right to know what information is going to be shared with whom, as well as the reasoning behind it.

Intermediate and High School

While teenagers are more capable of abstract thinking, and can readily understand:

• Why someone might not be able to care for a baby after it is born
• The concepts and gravity of child abuse and neglect
• Society’s obligation to protect children

it is because of this greater comprehension level, along with the natural questioning of their sexuality and identity issues during this time, that their status as adoptees may cause them more feelings of embarrassment and rejection than ever before, especially if they have not yet worked through their unresolved feelings about adoption.

Discussions about adoption at the junior high and high school level fit well in the following classes:

• Family life
• Health
• Home economics
• Sex education
• Psychology
• Sociology

Even at this stage of your child’s development, you may still need to help your child’s teacher, and other school personnel to see that adoption continues to affect a child’s performance, behavior, and adjustment at school regardless of the age they were adopted at, and how long they have had to live with the knowledge of their adoption.

Good opportunities for adoption discussions with the school are:

• Parent-teacher conferences
• Back-to-school night
• When you enroll your child

There are those, both adoption professionals and adoptive parents alike, who believe that sharing adoption information and history with the child’s teachers will only lead to:

• Teachers openly singling the child out
• The child being called names
• The child being physically picked on
• The child receiving special treatment out of pity
• The child being treated as less of a person
• The child being made to feel different than the other students in a negative way
• The child being blamed for the class not participating in an activity or event, which would be offensive to adopted persons

That being said; parents cannot expect schools to adequately accommodate the issues and challenges unique to adoption, and help adopted children to feel secure in their learning environment, if they themselves are not willing to be open and honest about their own adoption feelings and experiences.

Family types:

• Adoptive families
• Foster families
• Single parent families
• Divorced families
• Step-families
• Grandparent or relative headed families
• Same sex parents 

You may suggest that your child’s teacher emphasize to the class how everyone’s families may look different on the outside, but are all the same on the inside; people who love and care for each other.

In most cases it is more beneficial to the child to share at least some information about certain aspects of your child’s adoption with the appropriate school staff, then it is not to.

Children Adopted From the Foster Care System

Young children adopted from foster care tend to experience challenges in school, either as a direct, or indirect result of their previous life situation.

If the child has experienced:

• Abuse
• Neglect
• Interruptions in attachment
• Lack of significant bonds
• Early deprivations
• Cultural differences
• Multiple moves
• Multiple caregivers
• Drug exposure
• Alcohol exposure

they most likely did not receive the proper amount of quality emotional nurturing required throughout their previous stages of development.

These negative life experiences can also cause the child to exhibit:

• Low self-esteem
• Problems with authority
• Difficulties in peer relationships
• Depression
• Anger management difficulties
• Antisocial behavior: such as lying, stealing, or disrupting the class

All of the above listed can stunt a child’s emotional development, causing lower than average maturity, behavior, and functioning, than that of peers. A developmentally delayed child will not learn and retain information and skills at the same pace as peers; yet, will be expected to perform at the same level.

The parent(s) of a child adopted from the foster care system will most likely need to discuss the child's adoption with the school, to ensure the school's understanding of the previously mentioned background factors of the child’s behavior and development, as well as the implementation of appropriate interventions for the child, aiding the child with success in school.

It is important for parents to be cautious as to how much of your child’s detailed history you provide, as well as to whom. The teacher only needs to know enough history in order for him or her to understand the reasons behind the child’s current level of functioning. There is no need to share the specifics, or details of the abuse that your child endured, or to reveal whom the perpetrator was. Your child is entitled to his or her privacy, which must also be stressed to the school staff member when information about your child’s history and adoption is shared.

If your child requires services which are not normally provided in a typical classroom setting, you will need to advocate for those services. Try not to fight the school, but to find a way to work together with the school. Your child needs to see, hear, and most importantly feel that they are important, worth the effort, and supported by all the adults involved in his or her schooling.

Related Links:

• Center for Adoption Support and Education (C.A.S.E.)