Most people are familiar with post-partum depression, but many are surprised to learn that women can experience this phenomenon after adopting a child as well. When a person experiences depression after adopting a child, the depression is called post-adoption depression.

Frequency of Post-Adoption Depression

Post-adoption depression affects more people than you might suspect. One study found that 65% of adoptive mothers suffered from post-adoption depression. See Post Adoption Depression - The Unacknowledged Hazard and Sad, Sorry, Depressed But You Don't Tell Anybody - Could it be Post-Adoption Depression Syndrome?. Despite this high number, few adoptive parents are even aware that post-adoption depression exists.

Lack of Information About Post-Adoption Depression

Unfortunately, most adoption home studies do not include information about post-adoption depression, so adoptive mothers can wind up being blindsided when it happens to them. After all of the excitement and longing to be a mother, the adoptive mother can wind up feeling guilty about her post-adoption depression. She might stuff down her feelings and hide them from everyone in her life because she believes there is something wrong with her. This only fuels the fire and can cause an adoptive mother to question whether there is something seriously wrong with her.

Causes of Post-Adoption Depression

While nobody can say with certainty exactly what causes post-adoption depression, there are many educated guesses.

Adjusting to the Reality of Parenthood

Most people enter into parenthood with preconceived notions of what parenthood is going to be like. In most cases, reality is very different from those preconceived notions. While a new adoptive parent might love her new adopted child with all of her heart, she might need time to adjust from what she thought parenthood would be like to the reality of what parenthood actually entails.

Emotional “Letdown” After Adoption

The emotional “letdown” after the intensity of the emotions involved in adoption might also contribute to post-adoption depression. Most adoptions involve a frenzy of paperwork and much uncertainty about whether the adoption will go through. After the dust settles, the adoptive parent is left with the monotony of parenting a new child. The sharp contrast between the intensity of emotions involved in the adoption process, immediately followed by monotony, can trigger an emotional “letdown” that fuels post-adoption depression.

Grieving Sacrifices

When a person becomes a new parent, whether through birth or adoption, she sacrifices things in her life on behalf of the child. At a minimum, a new parent sacrifices sleep and being free from dealing with another person’s bodily fluids. Some adoptive mothers walk away from fulfilling careers to stay at home with their newly adopted children. Relationships change as childless friends go on with their lives and the new adoptive mother adjusts to her new life with a child in the home.

While most new adoptive parents willingly make these sacrifices, they are still losses that need to be grieved. Many adoptive parents feel as if they do not have the right to grieve their losses. In actuality, taking the time to grieve those losses makes the person’s attitude toward parenthood better. Failure to grieve your losses can contribute to post-adoption depression.

Holding Self to a Higher Standard

Many adoptive parents hold themselves to a higher (and unrealistic) standard that most biological parents do not. Because another person chose the adoptive parent to raise the adopted child, many adoptive parents mistakenly believe that they do not have the right to complain about any aspect of parenting.

The truth is that parenting any child is an enormous amount of work and is often thankless. No matter how much you wanted to parent a child, changing smelly diapers or being awakened at 3:00 a.m. is not fun. Most biological parents give themselves the freedom to vent about their frustrations in the “downside” of parenting, but many adoptive parents do not give themselves the same freedom. This dynamic can result in experiencing post-adoption depression.

Lack of Sleep

The lack of sleep involved in becoming a new parent could be one of the causes of post-adoption depression. Adoptive parents who adopt a newborn baby suffer from the same lack of sleep that all new parents face. However, a new adoptive mother’s body was not prepared by a pregnancy to wake up every few hours during the night, which can make the adjustment to being awakened several times a night even more difficult. Even those who adopt older children might struggle with a change in sleep patterns, particularly if the child climbs into bed with the adoptive parents or if the child has trouble sleeping as he adjusts to his new home.

Healing From Post-Adoption Depression

Just like with post-partum depression, post-adoption depression does not last forever. You can speed up the process of healing from post-adoption depression by doing the following:

1. Acknowledge that you have post-adoption depression.
2. Recognize that all parents have aspects of parenting that are challenging.
3. Give yourself permission to vent your frustrations.
4. Allow yourself to cry.
5. Talk about your feelings with a trusted friend.
6. Seek out a therapist if your post-adoption depression is not improving.

Resources

For more information on post-adoption depression, see the following articles:

• Adoption Depression - The Unacknowledged Hazard
• Sad, Sorry, Depressed But You Don't Tell Anybody - Could it be Post-Adoption Depression Syndrome?