Adoption Under One Roof - Comments for "Trauma Thursday: What Does a Flashback Feel Like?"

Missing piece

I am glad that you have the missing piece to the puzzle. It is so validating to fill in those blanks.

You said that this just happened on Saturday. Don't be surprised if you start having nightmares or find yourself feeling "off" over the next few days. That is normal.

That "out of body" experience is called dissociation. You learned how to do that as a child, and you did it intuitively when you felt "threatened" by being faced with your abusers again. That is a normal reaction to what happened.

Be very gentle with yourself.

- Faith

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We must BE the change we wish to see in the world. - Ghandi

I had a flashback this weekend in the most unlikely of places

When I was little I enjoyed spending weekends and sometimes weeks with my paternal grandparents. During some of my visits, they would take me to relatives' and friends' houses. During one such visit - I must have been about 4 or so - I was taken out into a field and molested by a teenage boy. I have always been able to remember the house and the faces of the brothers sitting in their bedroom (only one of them molested me), but I could not place who they were. Despite my efforts to describe the situation to some family members, no one could tell me who it was.

On Saturday, we celebrated my grandfather's 75th birthday at his house. We had lots of family in attendance, including some of my father's cousins many of whom I barely know. As I was in the living room playing with my son and with some of my cousin's kids, a man arrived. He said hello and then walked into the backyard where the festivities were taking place. Since I wasn't familiar with my dad's extended family, I just assumed he was a cousin or some other distant relative. A few minutes later, not suspecting anything, I took my son into the backyard to join the adults. I walked onto the patio and looked around to survey the crowd. Against the wall, this man had joined another, one of my father's cousins, who had been at the party for at least an hour. When I saw the two of them together, I flashed back to that bedroom...to the field. It happened in a split second, and yet I felt as though I was stuck in that moment for minutes. I couldn't believe it. I approached my step mom and asked who he was. She hadn't seen him in few years; he had long hair, but recently cut it very short. We had to ask my aunt, who confirmed that he was a cousin. The two of us were in disbelief. I was in shock.

FaithA discusses the aftermath of flashbacks. When I was going through therapy dealing with the physical abuse I suffered at the hands of someone who was not really my step dad, I experienced the anger, pain and grief. This was different. Although I felt an out-of-body experience - feeling as though I wasn't at the party, despite standing in the center of the patio - I finally found that missing piece of the puzzle. I felt a sense of calm. I felt relieved in a way.

We left shortly thereafter without saying anything to anyone about the issue.

Hot Memory Turned Into Bad Memory

I heard this on a radio show (NPR's This American Life) recently and thought of this conversation. The center of the piece was a man with PTSD. This therapist said that the expected outcome for the man was:

"turn hot memories into bad memories...."

The therapist went back and defined "hot memories" as memories that make you take actions.

AngelaW
The ones that you love the most are usually the ones that hurt you the most. - Unknown

Thanks for your supportive

Thanks for your supportive words and sharing your experience. Yes, I think it would be unrealistic for me to expect everything to go away. For now, just knowing it will get better has to be good enough.
Palucci

The only people who should

The only people who should feel shame about child abuse are the perpetrators, who unfortunately rarely have to be accountable for the horrible things they have done to their children.

Lisa S.

Glad you came back

I am glad that you came back and saw my message.

You really are going to be okay. It is going to be very hard for a while, but this is an investment in the rest of your life. My life is so much richer than I ever imagined. You can reach this place, too.

Take care,

- Faith

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We must BE the change we wish to see in the world. - Ghandi

You are not alone...

There are far too many of us who were abused as children. Unfortunately, many go on to perpetuate the cycle of abuse without realizing it. I commend you for taking the first step, which is to seek therapy. Do NOT under any circumstances ever feel regret or shame for coming forward with your truth. By confessing to your therapist, you have begun a journey down a path that may bring you some peace.

During my twenties I spent eight years in therapy. I will never forget the day I was in my therapist's office and we were talking about my progress. I am a bit strong-willed and sometimes impatient and was concerned that my progress wasn't fast enough (for me). Granted this was a few years into my therapy. Fearing that I would never find peace, I asked my therapist how long it would take for this feeling (the insecurities) to go away for good. I was shocked by his response; "it doesn't go away, it only gets better." I have been out of therapy for 11 years and at the age of 40, I still wrestle with insecurities, fears and flashbacks every now and then. Fortunately, though, he was right. If you stick with your therapy, it will get better. It gets much better.

Thank you Faith. I am crying

Thank you Faith. I am crying because I am so grateful that you understand, and to know that I can be ok - is a relief. I have also acted on urges to hurt myself. But I am trying so hard to no do that anymore. I will take a look at the sites you gave to me.

You are going to be okay

Hi, Palucci. I am glad that you found my blog. You are not alone. Everything that you are feeling is normal. I was once in that terrible place, and I am not any longer. In fact, you might have meant the head-banging alternative in jest, but I actually did just that quite a few times as I worked through my flashbacks. Healing from child abuse is not for the faint of heart.

I have some online resources for you. The first is my personal blog. I write that blog specifically for adult survivors of child abuse. I have learned a lot since I started having flashbacks in 2003. This is my way of paying forward all of the kindness that was shown to me when I was in the painful place that you are now. I have several readers who post comments and talk about their issues. You are welcome to read my blog and/or post comments over there about what you are going through.

Another excellent resource is a message board for adult survivors of childhood abuse called Isurvive. Isurvive is a safe place to talk about all of the things that you are feeling. I found Isurvive in December 2003, and my friends over there quite literally saved my life more than once as I wrestled with suicidal urges. They are good people over there. Lori, the board owner, makes sure that the site is always safe.

Both sites have other resources that you can check into, such as self-help books.

You are not alone.

Hang in there.

- Faith

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We must BE the change we wish to see in the world. - Ghandi

I am sorry, I stumbled

I am sorry, I stumbled across your blog by accident when searching for information / or personal stories of flashbacks and memories of childhood abuse. I know you are trying to help others and here I am talking about me. But I have been so afraid. What you describe as a flashback and the aftermath of one is so familiar to me. I feel like I am going crazy. One minute I am sad, or so scared I cant help but hide under my desk or the any place that is dark small and hidden. Sometimes I am so angry, sometimes I feel so ashamed and then guilty like I should never talk about it because it is betraying my family. Yesterday was the first time I told my therapist what happened - I wrote it then read it to her. Some parts I couldn't read. the extremes of emotion I am feeling now are overwhelming. Part of me says I should never have told her and part of me is so relieved that finally I did. Then part of me is like, you are crazy it can't all be true. I feel so ashamed, sad, scared, mad, relieved and confused. I feel like I could just bash my head into a wall and make everything shut up (I will not do that, I just need some relief). Can you understand? Can I make i past this?