Adoption Under One Roof - Comments for "GUEST BLOG: Unwanted Until Proven Good Enough to Have"

Great post. Really got me

Great post. Really got me thinking. I wouldn't have guessed that is what kids think adoption is all about. It would break my heart to hear my girls think of themselves (or others) as unwanted.
I would love to "hear" your conversation with the boy after he told you what he thought adoption was.
I haven't had the opportunity to have these conversations with kids as my girls are very young, but I know they are coming. I would love to hear ways to help kids understand and for our children to be ok with it.
Thanks

have to explain something

When I indicated I did not know about her birth (the date), we knew a child was coming, but did not know the due date. On the date of her birth, I experienced birth pains like labor. My daughter loves to hear the story about "Tell me when I was born, mom."

I've heard that experience is not unique to an adoptive mother. She is the only child who seems to have no interest in locating her birth parent. I have always been very open to helping her, but she says, "You're my mom." If I bring up the subject of locating biological information, she just shrugs her shoulders and walks away. Ironically she has also named some of her children after my family. I did pick the middle name of her daughter. It turns out the name is my paternal grandmother's middle name and the name of her mother-in-law. Didn't realize or know it at the time.

Her name is a derivative of another english name. Once I asked her if she liked her name. Her reply was, "Oh, yes, but sometimes I call myself________" (and she used the english derivative which just happened to be the name of my own aunt who had died before I was born.

I love the poem, "There are strange things done 'neath the midnight sun."

I do not envy your going through the teenage years!! Once one of my children said, "Mom, remember when I was 13?" Oh God, what a difficult time. She added, "I don't think you liked me very much then." Had to honestly admit I did not like her behavior, but I always loved her.

Heck when we had problems we could not work out, "to counseling we would go!". It was hard to find an objective person as I am in the same field. At any rate, we went because my daughter said, "If you don't let me_____ (whatever). I'll kill myself. The counselor questioned my decision in front of my children.

As I was walking out of the office, I turned around and went back to tell the counselor, "I'm the parent. My final decision is not negotiable. Yes, she might make an attempt and if so, I will hope to get her to emergency services, and then she might have to be placed into a therapeutic environment. On the other hand, if I give into this threat. she might threaten me with other issues, i.e., money, a car, allowing her to do whatever she wants. I also told my daughter she could not "extort" from me. She never made any type of attempt. Maybe it was just one of those things teens do.

Oh, funny story. When they would pull a "stunt" with friends, their friends usually got "grounded" seemingly for an eternity. They'd ask my children if they were "grouned" too. When they acknowledged they'd been "grounded", their friends (who were grounded from 1 to 6 months or longer) would ask. "How long?". Their response was most often. "One day." Their friends would say, "One day, that's nothing.". The reply was, "Well, you've never been grounded for one day by our mother!" Grounding included getting them up at 6 am (I worked 2 jobs too), having them work their behinds until about 6 pm. The tasks depended on outside or inside due to weather. They are good organizers and workers to this day.

I am going to share an idea with you. Several years ago, I got rather nostalgic about my life with my children. My ambition was to write a book about our life in the family. I knew it would take me years to complete, so instead I wrote "titles" which would trigger the memories. I have 14 pages of titles!! I asked my daughters if the titles evoked memories. They laughed and laughed and ironically our memories were very close, with a few minor exceptions.

Our life has not been without the worst of tragedies and losses, but we keep going. Something just occurred to me. Maybe you should share with your son how you felt. He needs to know you don't have all the answers, but he does expect you do. Just be real with him.

I forgot to tell you.

1. When my first child was born (without knowing about her birth, I experienced the "labor" and it stopped the moment she was born.

2. My elderly aunt taught me a poem, which my children had recited to them as long as I can remember. This is the poem:
"Not flesh of my flesh,
Nor bone of my bone.
Never forget for a single minute,
You didn't grow under my heart,
But in it"

3. When my daughter was about 13 or 14 and being a typical teen, she was angry with me (for whatever reason). She told me, "Well, you're not my REAL mother anyway. The Irish temper must have emerged and I verbally told her I was the one who loved her, diapered her, worked for her (I don't remember all of the statements)....took care of her when she was sick and comforted her. I just spoke so fast she could not have interjected a word. My daughter just looked at me after my verbal tirade. A huge smile came to her face!!! She walked to her room, saying, "I know, mom." It sure took the wind out of my angry sail!!

"Chosen"

I think there is no unwanted child and in my soul the child chooses the parent, not the other way around. I adopted from birth and as a foster parent. My children are very close. From them I learned in their hearts they are best friends and siblings forever.

I divorced and my children were glad. In my own case, my biological parents divorced and I celebrated and was so happy with the thought they would both still live.

A "normal" family exists in fairy tales. If there is such a thing as "normal", it would probably apply to less than 10% of the population!!!

My children have been raised to know of their origins. Both have healthy attitudes. I felt it was my chidren's right to know about themselves. In fact, I once asked when they knew they were adopted and their reply was "I've always known."

Maybe that young woman was just trying to qualify her own feelings of abandonment. Bet I'm right. Adoptees have normal teenage feelings just like the biological children. Hopefully, you will talk with your child and have a discussion, especially listening to him. And....you are right, parents can be severe flakes....

You show your care just by posting your concern.

information regarding adoption and birth certificates

One of my adopted children, adopted by me as a single parent, gave me the go-ahead to find her birth father. He was located. Her birth certificate was amended to include her birth father. According to my daughter, when she went to Court with her father, she was told her birth mother had to be on the certificate. My daughter insisted that my name only be listed as her mother and her birth certificate reflects me as the mother and her biological father as the father.

A friend and I had a heated discussion because she felt the biological mother should have been listed. The birth mother was deprived of her birth child. I just told my friend the birth certificate lists "mother", not referring to biological parentage. What other information could I get to explain I am her mother and her only mother? My daughter happens to be in the medical profession and graduated with honors!!!! I am so proud. Whenever issues of education, history, health, etc. occurred it was amazing to learn the knowledge she had. Her stock answer was and is to this day, "Well, mother, you raised me!"

Interesting

When one of my sons was a HS Junior, he was at the after school hangout, Starbucks. A girl there was very upset, her parents were divorcing and she desparately needed her father to hear her worries and concerns, but didn't know how to get that conversation started. My son suggested a very straight forward "Dad I need you to hear what is worrying me." The girl turned to him and said "That would work for you Chad, you are adopted!" I was shocked when he told me the story. He absolutely accepted that that was true, and that the adopted child is chosen and always the center of the family. What was interesting is that the other kids present agreed with the girl, some were adopted and some were not. I wonder if perhaps as kids get to be teenagers and see normal families come apart in divorce, if they notice that the adopted kids are likely to have a more stable life.

I would suggest that the incidence of unwanted children is drasticly different in baby adoption vs adoption from foster care. Parents can be severe flakes.

Folks have got to be

Folks have got to be educated about adoption.
That's sort of an unhealthy old skool way of looking at the complicated issues of adoption.
Maybe movies might help somehow, or books. I just don't know.