Adoptee rights

Adoptees and Broken Trust

GuestBlogger — Wed, 19 Nov 2008 07:15:06 -0600

Our Guestblogger today is Melinda Warshaw, an adoptee in a closed domestic adoption. She is active in adoption law reform in NY, and also the regional coordinator for Westchester for Unsealed Initiative to pass a bill of adoptee rights in NY.

Dr. James Dobson, Founder and Chairman of Focus on the Family says adoptive parents can be vague and hold back the truth from the adoptee. He says they don't have to acknowledge adoptees were born from another mother and father. He has it all wrong about adoptees and so did the late Dr Milton Levine, a New York pediatrician who wrote books and offered advice on raising children.

Pure Stupidity

Amyadoptee — Wed, 12 Nov 2008 13:10:39 -0600

I read this article yesterday. I was so furious. I am even amazed that I kept a cool tongue. I managed to say my piece without using foul language. I was thinking those words but I somehow managed not to use them. I was like a bull seeing red. The commentary in the article boggled my mind.

First things first. Bastard Nation and Unsealed Initiative are not anti-adoption. They claim no opinion on the subject of adoption. These organizations are about adoptees. Adoption is supposed to be about the adoptee. If you use this logic, then Bastard Nation and Unsealed Initiative is all about adoption.

With that argument aside, this author also claims that single women cannot be mothers without a man. I even threw in there this question. What about the single mothers who adopt? What about the first mothers who want contact?

WANTED: LETTERS TO SANTA CLAUS

LisaS — Fri, 07 Nov 2008 07:15:04 -0600

Adoption Reform Illinois and Illinois Open want to raise awareness that adult adoptees cannot obtain an original birth certificate in Illinois. We are doing this by asking everyone to write a letter to Santa, asking for your original birth certificate. All of the letters will be delivered by "Santa" himself to the Department of Vital Stats in Springfield. We are hoping to make this a media event.

We ask adoptees, birth parents, adoptive parents, relatives, extended families, friends, and those who have found an adoptee on their family tree to write letters to Santa asking him to bring original birth certificates to Illinois adopted adults.

Letters should be addressed to:

Parenting Mistakes Saturday – Expecting Adoptee Appreciation

JuliaFuller — Sat, 25 Oct 2008 03:45:04 -0500

I admit to being a little gun shy after last week’s reception of the PMS article. However, the point is, these are common parenting mistakes that adoptive parents make. I made them, and I would like to help other adoptive parents avoid them, if possible. The only way to do that is to share information, including, why it was a bad parenting idea.

For about five years, I was a compensated mentor of new foster and adoptive parents for the state. I spoke regularly with hundreds of parents, so I know that these issues are common mistakes. One issue, brought up repeatedly by the adult adoptees is adoptive parents expecting adoptee appreciation. They have explained to us repeatedly how harmful that was to their self-esteem. I realized after reading through their comments and blogs that I made this mistake. Only, I also used a double-standard, which may make it an even worse offense.

UPDATE: GUEST BLOG: An Adoptee’s Plea to an Adoption Agency for Honesty and Cooperation

GuestBlogger — Fri, 24 Oct 2008 16:00:40 -0500

UPDATE: H_ _ _ has relented due to the bad PR and decided to allow my search.

Our GuestBlogger today is “Almost Human”, an abused adoptee in search of her birth family.

I went to my adoption agency (the big international one that starts with an H) asking for my files so I could find my foster mother and thank her for the love and care she gave me before I was adopted. My file revealed I didn't have a foster mother from birth like my parents told me. Instead I had a family for two years. They said my files said I was abandoned, so without identifying information - an address or a name - then they couldn't assist me. I asked for my files from Korea, and the H_ _ _ adoption agency told me they weren't important and no different from the files they had here in America. They said they assessed them and there was no identifying information so they couldn't assist me in searching. I asked what they were looking at and could I get the source copies. They said there was only one page and that it wasn't important. Only after going public with them not wanting to give me my files from Korea, did they finally send them.

Adopted and Abused: How to Prevent Child Abusers From Adopting Children

FaithA — Fri, 24 Oct 2008 06:45:03 -0500

On Monday, I wrote about Adopted and Abused: Perspective of Adoptive Parent who was Abused as a Child. Under no circumstances is it okay to provide child abusers access to children, whether through adoption or other means. In this blog entry, I will share my solution for this problem.

As I stated in the comments on Lisa’s blog, I believe that the adoption home study process needs to include a safeguard against pedophiles being approved to adopt children. Unfortunately, simply running a criminal background check is not enough.

The vast majority of child abusers have never been caught, so they will have a clean criminal record. To my knowledge, not one of my abusers was ever arrested for abusing any child, and I was not the only child that they abused. Running a criminal background check is a good first step, but people are foolish to believe that a clean background check is indicative of a person being safe around a child.

My answer is to include an interview as part of the adoption home study process with somebody who was abused as a child and has now healed from the abuse (or is well along the healing process).

Adopted and Abused: Perspective of Adoptive Parent who was Abused as a Child

FaithA — Mon, 20 Oct 2008 06:54:02 -0500

Lisa wrote a couple of disturbing blog entries about children who are adopted and then abused by their adoptive parents:

Interesting discussions took place in the comments. Being adopted and then abused is a disturbing topic, and there are no easy answers.

I come to this topic with a unique perspective because I was abused as a child and I am an adoptive mother. So, I have seen both the horror of abuse and the beauty of a good adoption. I would like to share my views on the subject.

As I have mentioned several times, I am very active on a message board for adult survivors of child abuse called Isurvive. On this site, I have met several adult adoptees who were abused by their adoptive families. Some of them started their own thread to talk about the issues unique to those who were adopted and then abused.

Adopted and Abused?

LisaS — Thu, 18 Sep 2008 19:07:00 -0500

I came across a website called Adopted - Abused today, and as an adoptive parent I’m sickened. Since reading it, I've been searching to find statistics on adopted children abused by adopted parents, and have yet to find anything specific to report. Should I assume that it is the same percentage as biological children?

In any case, the home page has this introduction:

You've been Adopted - You've been Abused but you were too young and too afraid of repercussions to report.

read more

Late-Discovery - Adoptee - Part 4

GuestBlogger — Tue, 09 Sep 2008 01:45:03 -0500

Ouradopt guestblogger Jeffrey A. Hancoc discovered he was adopted when he was 41 years old. Apparently, his family never wanted him to know. However, when he requested his birth certificate from his mother, several times without receiving it, the truth was finally told. The truth led to quite a family drama. He was born 4-18-1965 somewhere in Buffalo, New York

Read Part 1 of Jeff’s story.

Read Part 2 of Jeff’s story.

Read Part 3 of Jeff’s story.

At the same time, so many more things make sense to me now. Odd little experiences over the years that now appear crystal clear. I understand comments made to me by the mean children at school and on the bus so many years ago. Comments, questions, and peculiar things said to me at church, family picnics, and around town. Also, why I was never accepted or included in family plans, or invited to join clubs or groups in school or especially at church; I was raised in a very strict and evangelical faith by uneducated, blue-collar, “God fearing” parents. I always felt I had one of only two destinies: 1) Become the next town drunk and fulfill the prophesy of mom’s church colleagues, or 2) surprise them all by following my older “brother’s” footsteps. Neither destiny felt comfortable to me. When Star Wars came out, I felt like Luke Skywalker. Was I to commit to the “Dark Side” or be a good little adoptee?

While I chose neither path to anyone’s particular predictions, at least I know now why during my childhood and teen years I felt people were always watching me, waiting for me to make some terrible life decision. It was because they really were expecting me to!

Late-Discovery - Adoptee - Part 3

GuestBlogger — Mon, 08 Sep 2008 01:45:03 -0500

Read Part 1 of Jeff’s story.

Read Part 2 of Jeff’s story.

Everyone else I shared the letter with thought it was beautiful and should have made mom realize how much she is loved by me. Surprisingly, my brother stepped up to the plate, and told them they were wrong. Although he didn’t read the letter, he felt it was wrong for our sister to have; and that clearly I was only attempting to nurture my relationship with our mother. He also admitted to never taking any steps to have a relationship with me due to the 20-year age difference between us, and that now he feels a bit guilty. Not guilty enough to ever call or send a birthday card, but at least he knows through Mom that I’m still alive.

It wasn’t until Christmas 2007 that my sister spoke to me again. Before Mom's revelation my sister used to call us two or three times a week just to talk. Over the months following my Late-Discovery-Adoption I have had a million thoughts race through my head. Sometimes I feel grief, as if someone died, yet I don’t know who. I get angry sometimes, other times I’m depressed. Part of me wishes I’d been adopted by someone else, even though I miss my dad, and appreciate at least having a home as a child. Sometimes I remember how they never took an interest in things that mattered to me. I was capable of high grades in school. My Dad discouraged that for me.