Adoptees

GUEST BLOG - A Legitimate Life: A Forbidden Journey of Self Discovery

GuestBlogger — Mon, 06 Oct 2008 07:45:04 -0500

Our Guestblogger today is Melinda Warshaw, an adoptee in a closed domestic adoption. She is active in adoption law reform in NY, and also the regional coordinator for Westchester for Unsealed Initiative to pass a bill of adoptee rights in NY. Melinda two sons aged thirty and twenty-eight.

This is the autobiography of her search for her lost self as an adoptee in a closed adoption. We are honored that she has given us the opportunity to post her manuscript on our website. The manuscript will be presented in chapters twice a week, on Mondays and Fridays.

Chapter Three: Mommy’s Little Girl (continued from here)

Living with the Moyers was right out of a novel. I was now the adopted daughter of a highly educated, sophisticated, impeccably dressed, English American who deported herself a true British blue blooded aristocrat. Mother observed the rigid rules of the English aristocracy and her children were no exception to following her example. Background and good breeding were her buzzwords. She and Father came from old money and that was a good thing. I obeyed her orders. Talking about money, sex or feelings was taboo and considered in poor taste. Reading movie magazines was forbidden. Elegance, manners, the Queen’s English and being polite were her cardinal rules. My parents came from the old school way of thinking.

When I was five we moved from Aurora, Illinois to Kettering, Ohio, a wealthy suburb near Dayton, into a gorgeous, white, four story colonial mansion on top of a hill on a dead end street. Our house overlooked the even bigger mansion of famed inventor Charles Kettering, who amassed considerable wealth in his time. Mother and Father had arrived and joined St. Paul’s Episcopal Church in Dayton where we were baptized and confirmed.

Guest Blog A Legitimate Life: A Forbidden Journey of Self Discovery

GuestBlogger — Fri, 03 Oct 2008 07:45:02 -0500

Melinda A. Warshaw

CHAPTER TWO: “Family” Ties (continued from here)

When I was older I learned that Ira’s father was a lawyer and very well off. Most of Ira’s work was in mining consulting, and he and Cleora traveled in isolated areas of Guanajuato, Guerrero, and Michoacan States in the interior of Mexico. During their time in Mexico, Ira continued to collect plant specimens including some rare orchids. He sent the entire collection of his specimens’ home to Decatur, Illinois. They lived in Mexico from 1903-1911. Carolyn, my aunt, was born in Guanajuato (city) on April 11, 1909. They left Mexico because of political unrest at the time. There was a fire at “The Pines,” their family home which destroyed his Illinois, Europe and Mexico plant specimens. Eleanor, my mother, was born in Decatur on October 3, 1912.

Dear Adoption Maharishi: Is There a Way I Can Contact My Sister Who Was Adopted Through Foster Care?

Adoption_Maharishi — Wed, 01 Oct 2008 15:02:25 -0500

Dear Adoption Maharishi,

“I have a sister that I’ve never met before, she is older than me by a few years. She was adopted and the adopted family moved out of town and never got back in contact with my mother. We have been hoping she would find us but we really would like to find her. I don’t know whether or not her foster parents even told her that she was adopted.

Concerned Sister ,Crystal

GUEST BLOG - A Legitimate Life: A Forbidden Journey of Self Discovery

GuestBlogger — Mon, 29 Sep 2008 18:11:54 -0500

Our Guestblogger today is Melinda Warshaw, an adoptee in a closed domestic adoption. She is active in adoption law reform in NY, and also the regional coordinator for Westchester for the Unsealed Initiative to pass a bill of adoptee rights in NY. Melinda has two sons aged thirty and twenty-eight.

secret (se’krit) adj. kept from the knowledge of others, beyond general understanding; mysterious, concealed from sight, hidden n. a secret fact, cause, process etc. – in secret

CHAPTER ONE

Unknown.

CHAPTER TWO: “Family” Ties

The first time I ever saw myself (in a picture) before my first birthday was in a black and white photograph I found in an old cardboard box at my adoptive mother and father’s condo after Mother died in 1991.

“Dad & Linda 9/2/47. Linda wearing her first orchid, from Gaga as she leaves for home in Aurora, Illinois,” is written on the back of the picture in Mother’s beautiful script.

In the photo I am five months old nestled in my maternal grandfather Gaga’s lap, looking anxious as he sits holding down my tiny arms in a huge wooden chair in his back yard in South Pasadena, California. We’re surrounded by lush, lavender, lilac bushes in full bloom. Gaga has straight, white, hair, slicked down and parted down the middle. He looks erudite in his wire-rim glasses, cuffed, pinstriped trousers and starched, white dress shirt with French cuffs and long tie as he is smiling down at me. I’m elegantly dressed in a beautiful white, lace, bonnet and a pristine, long, white, organdy dress with one of his rare orchids pinned to it with Nannie, my grandmother’s, Victorian pearl hat pin.

What to Consider Before you Search for Your Child’s Birthmother

LisaS — Thu, 25 Sep 2008 22:57:52 -0500

When I adopted my daughter from Guatemala, I was made aware that the birthmother did not want to receive updates on our daughter; she wanted a closed adoption. I accepted that fact and wanted to respect her wishes. However, there are two problems with this decision: it was made by a very young unmarried woman who may have been forced into that decision and may very well have changed her mind since then; my daughter may want to meet her birthmother one day. So I began making inquiries into how to go about searching for my daughter’s birthmother. I found that there was a website for parents who wanted to search for their adopted child’s birthmother in Guatemala.

But I still haven’t taken the step to begin the search. I have concerns. Should I let that decision be made by my daughter when and if she is ready? And if I do, what if we can’t find her birthmother then? Will she be angry that I didn’t search for her earlier? Guatemala is a third world country where people migrate to find work; that is how they survive. Her birthmother could be hard if not impossible to track down fifteen twenty years from now.

What Every Adoptive Parent Needs to Know About Adoption Search and Reunion

FaithA — Fri, 19 Sep 2008 06:00:01 -0500

One thing I like about blogging for this site is that I learn things that I did not even know that I needed to learn. This happened to me again last week. I wrote a blog entry entitled Adoption Search and Reunion Reality TV Show: “The Locator”, in which I talked about Troy Dunn’s new show, “The Locator”. Troy Dunn reunites people who have been separated for a very long time. The second episode of “The Locator” was about Troy Dunn searching for a woman’s birth mother.

In my blog entry, I asked where the adoptive family was in this whole situation. A couple of adoptees responded to my inquiry in the comments. They were very helpful in shedding light on the adoptive family’s role in an adoptee’s reunion with the birth family.

More on 90210’s Transracial Adoption Storyline

FaithA — Wed, 17 Sep 2008 06:45:07 -0500

I have really been enjoying the way that the new television show 90210 has been revealing just a little bit about the transracial adoption storyline each week. In my first post about the 90210 transracial adoption storyline, I shared that Dixon (played by Tristan Wilds) is an African-American boy who was adopted by a Caucasian family. Dixon’s adopted sister, Annie (played by Shenae Grimes), is the parents’ biological child.

As I shared here, Dixon and Annie had a brief conversation about his adoption in the pilot. That conversation was mostly about how Dixon was not looking forward to having to explain his adoption to a bunch of new people.

In the second episode of 90210, Dixon alluded to growing up in rough foster homes.

Adoption Search and Reunion Reality TV Show: “The Locator”

FaithA — Mon, 08 Sep 2008 07:00:02 -0500

A friend of mine told me about a new reality television show that just premiered on the Women’s Entertainment channel (WE-TV) over the weekend called “The Locator”. My friend told me that it was an adoption search and reunion show. Actually, the scope of “The Locator” is broader. The host, Troy Dunn, is a professional locator. People hire him to find other people with whom they want to reunite.

Of course, a show like this is going to have a lot of adoption search and reunion stories. I watched the first two episodes of “The Locator,” which aired back-to-back on Saturday night, and the second one was about an adoptee who was searching for her birth mother.

Dear Adoption Maharishi: Continuation of answer to: If we adopt a special needs child, do we "owe" it to them to be their custod

Adoption_Maharishi — Wed, 20 Aug 2008 19:22:34 -0500

Dear Adoption Maharishi,

DH and I are considering (really, in the early stages of considering) a special needs adoption. Specifically, the adoption of a child with limited mental capacity. In other words, this child, even as an adult, would not be expected to be able to care for her own needs. It's a sensitive question, but one that I'm wondering about. What plans do other adoptive parents make for their special needs children? As a special educator myself, I know that residential homes can be a good option for both parent and child, but I feel in my heart that I would be reluctant to place my child in a home. On the other hand, although we ADORE the adopted children we have now, DH and I are very much looking forward to time alone together, to a quiet home and mutual interests and exploring on vacation together and so on once the kids have flown the coop. If we adopt a special needs child, do we "owe" it to them to be their custodial parent forever? What happens when we pass on? When a couple gives birth to a special needs child, the dye is already cast. If an adoptive couple adopts a child, who is later found to have special needs, again, the dye is already cast. But in this instance, we would be CHOOSING a child who does not have the ability to move into a completely independent life-style as an adult. What do other adoptive parents in this situation do?

So what do you think?

Concerned Mom

Dear Concerned Mom,

Last week, I addressed half of this loaded question and promised to finish addressing it this week. Thank you for taking the time to pose a question that many people may have and yet do not know who or how to ask. Again, I’d like to reiterate that it takes a special kind of family to parent this type of special needs child. When choosing to parent a child with a very low IQ you are choosing to make some kind of lifetime parenting commitment to that child. Even if you choose to place the child in adult foster care at some point, and assign guardianship to the county, you will still feel obligated to ensure the child’s safety and wellbeing periodically.

There is some risk involved in placing your learning disabled (LD) child in an adult foster care home when chronological adulthood is achieved. These homes are not like a prison with guards watching over the adults. Many learning disabled adults are able to maintain jobs at places like Goodwill Industries while living in adult foster care. They may ride the city bus to and from work, to go shopping, and to hang out with their friends. You cannot force birth control on these adults so some end up giving birth. Many of these babies end up in foster care; they cannot live with the LD parent in adult foster care. There have also been cases of LD adults having sexual relations with employees of the adult foster care homes. These are not issues that parents like to think about in advance.

Adopted Child Biracial or Have Super Curly Nappy Hair

FosterMommy — Mon, 18 Aug 2008 18:45:12 -0500

Does this sound like you and your child every morning? Help! My child has crazy hair. When she wakes up in the morning, her hair is so nappy that a comb can’t make it through an inch. She yells and cries every morning when I try to do something with her hair, which isn’t much. If your child has hair that is super curly and sometimes nappy then you know what I mean. There are some Caucasian children with hair that curly, but usually it is from African heritage in their gene pool. If your child is biracial, the hair might be fine and relatively straight, if it is, lucky you, see my blog on “How to Care for Caucasian or Caucasian-type hair" for tips. However, if your child has super curly and sometimes nappy hair, continue reading.