*because raising children can be like living on a sharp edge

Last Sunday I shared my most recent challenges with my daughter Ella; she had become annoying, disobedient and unpleasant to be with in the last month. Behaviors such as running away every time I called her, throwing toys, breaking things, slamming doors, having a crying fit when she didn’t get her way, and basically ignoring everything I said to her were becoming routine. I knew I had to take matters in hand quickly.

I decided to use the time out system as I do not believe in physical punishment. Every time Ella was out of line I would give her one warning – but only one. If she did not correct that behavior, she would go to time out for three minutes (one minute for each year of age). Time out did not need to be in a bedroom or a room with a closed door; it was enough that I made her stay in a designated area such as a hallway. I would tell her that she would stay there until I allowed her to come out. If she came out before the three minutes were up, I would gently but firmly put her back. Would she go willingly and happily to time out? Are you kidding? Often she was kicking and screaming and always crying as if the world had come to an end. My daughter is quite the drama queen and can produce tears at the drop of a dime. But I did not relent, and each episode of time out she had to stay in the designated area for three minutes until I announced that her time in time out was up. At home I usually set a timer for three minutes.

It is day two of Tyler’s visit to my home. Yes, last night’s refusal to take his shower and change for bed was testing. He woke up cranky, still wearing everything including his jacket, and needing a shower. I told him we could get going after his shower. He saw no point in that. After a bit he was up and ready to go, again, we can leave after your shower. More time, he appears in different clothes and his hair is wet. I smelled a rat. The towel was dry and so was the shower. Later, he appears in a towel, letting me know that the showerhead doesn’t work well. Water all over the floor, yes he had taken a shower. ODD? Yes, thank you.

My new, soon to be son, Tyler, called me this morning as he and his worker were driving south to Sacramento, where they would catch a flight to Long Beach. He started off with, “Hi Dad...” That was the first time he had called me that. They were on schedule. The worker had MapQuest directions, but the streets leading to our home are confusing. I talked Tyler through the route, there was the car, and my son was coming home for the first time. This is an unusual visitation, he would be with me for four days, on day five we would fly in my airplane to his city, where I would sign the adoption placement papers and then we would return home. Once he was out of the car, we would not be separated again.

*because raising children can be like running on a sharp edge

Guilty as charged I’ve been spoiling my daughter and I'm not suggesting that I spend too much time hugging and loving her because I don’t believe that love and affection spoil a child. What I’ve been doing is gradually been letting her get away with unacceptable and annoying behavior, such as ignoring me when I ask or tell her to do or stop doing something. Additionally I have been giving in to her on occasions when I want to avoid conflict or am tired. And since I’m visiting my sister, I see how bent out of shape she gets when I talk to someone else for more than a minute or two.

It is quite amazing how quickly this situation evolved. A month or so ago this was not the situation, but it certainly is now. Smart and strong willed, my daughter could manipulate a statue, and on days when I’m not on my toes, she manipulates me as well. Producing crocodile tears on demand is her forte, and I’ve realized just how influenced I’ve been by those tears. So now it is time to do damage control.

I've been out of country for the last week, (you can just call me the traveling blogger at Adoption Under One Roof) and it has certainly been an eye opener to view our country during election time through the eyes of citizens of the beautiful country to the north. Without a doubt, the Canadians in this vicinity are huge Obama supporters and believe that he will be a more likeable and admirable figure to lead our country. I missed being in the U.S. for the elections; it is hard to discuss the politics of your country with people who don’t actually have to “live” those politics.

But moving onto another subject, Ella and I have been walking around this charming and beautiful little town tucked in the mountains, and I don’t think I’ve been in such a racially homogeneous environment in years. I wonder how my daughter would fair growing up here with not one other person of Hispanic or Mayan origin? Would she feel special or painfully different? It can go both ways. I know of one family whose Guatemalan daughter was the only non-Caucasian child in their town and she felt very special and enjoyed her unique status. It is important to note that this young woman is a very confident young woman with terrific parents, probably an important factor in the big picture. Personally I like the fact that Ella can get together with other children born in Guatemala.

When foster parenting teenage girls dating boys is bound to happen. On the one hand, you want your foster children to lead as normal a life as possible. On the other hand, most teenagers in foster care are emotionally immature and have poor boundaries do to years of neglect or abuse. These are not good qualities to have when a girl is alone somewhere with a teenage boy in the throws of puberty. Is there a safe middle ground, a way to let your foster teenager have fun and yet offer that extra bit of protection?

Over the years, I have raised quite a few foster teenagers to adulthood. It does not really take very long to raise a child when you don’t start until they are teens or tweens. Being a senior citizen on a fixed income, I really cannot afford to give any financial support to any of the girls once they move out of my home as adults. I do however continue to talk to them on the phone, be supportive, offer guidance when requested, and occasionally one will spend a night or a few days.

My last foster daughter to move out spent eight years with me. The last five months she was here were quite difficult financially because we were unable to arrange for any financial assistance for her. Because I love her dearly, we struggled along because she did not really have anywhere else she could go to live. Then, she stole from me, again, so I had to ask her to leave. Finances are just too tight with caring for an extra teenager without any help from the state, to have money stolen.

Our guest blog is from John, a retired commercial airline pilot who has adopted four boys, and working on number 5, from domestic foster care as a single parent. John and his family live in southern California.

Night was the local fun center, just what we needed. Go Karts that we turned into bumper cars. He didn’t get my humor for a while. I would tap the rear of his kart and he would wobble, I would say ‘sorry’, of course, I didn’t mean it. He got it, and then it got interesting. We were enjoying each other, laser tag, a big hit, and miniature golf. Mr. Silent was long Gone. That night, many questions, about my sons, about adoption, about Los Angeles, about issues he had to deal with, and one that clearly puzzled him. “What about masturbation?” A gutsy question, most kids on a first visit would never have the guts to ask. When its OK, why its important, and no, its not an off limits topic. Lots of chance in his questions to make it clear that no matter what, he was OK. Sleep came easily for Tyler. I was getting to see all of my son, not just the easy to deal with parts. How spectacular, God does have a plan.

Our guest blog is from John, a retired commercial airline pilot who has adopted four boys, and working on number 5, from domestic foster care as a single parent. John and his family live in southern California.

First meetings are scary. As a retired airline pilot, I can tell you that no emergency in the cockpit ever compared with the stress of a first meeting with a new child. It is so important, and you want so badly for it to go right. This would be my fifth first meeting. As usual, this was in the child’s area, I live 600 miles south.

At my grocery story today I bumped into an employee, “S” that I hadn’t seen for a couple months. She said that she and her husband had been discussing me last weekend. Their grandchildren had been visiting for the afternoon, and exhausted, her husband turned to her at one point and said, “I don’t know how we ever did this full time.” She responded by telling him about my adoption of Ella at fifty-two years old. His response was, “She must be crazy.”

I wasn’t insulted – I know that I’m not crazy, actually far from it. I took it as a compliment that I could keep up with a toddler on a day to day basis and these people, the same age as me, were exhausted from an afternoon with their grandchildren. So I started wondering where this energy is coming from.

Firstly, parenting on a daily basis keeps you in parenting shape, regardless of what age you are. The less you do, the less you are able to do. The “parenting muscle” needs to be exercised to stay in shape as well. When I adopted Ella she was seven months old. For the first four months, I rested when she napped. When she went to bed at night, I did too. I did nothing else but parent. I was not working outside the home, and aside from going to my book club once a month, I had no social life. My life focused around my daughter and all my energy was channeled into parenting her and developing a strong and loving bond between us.