Trauma Tuesday

Trauma Tuesday: “Stuck” at a Younger Developmental Stage

FaithA — Tue, 30 Dec 2008 07:15:04 -0600

If you are parenting an adopted child who was abused, you might notice that the child seems to be “stuck” in a younger stage of development. I see this quite a bit with adult survivors of child abuse. An adult woman might wear little girl hair accessories and giggle like a child when she watches a Disney cartoon. Just because the body has aged does not necessarily mean that emotional maturity has taken place.

I suspect that the reason for this ties into the lost developmental stages experienced by abused children. Certain emotional needs were never met in childhood, so the abused child grows into an adult who still remains childlike in different areas of his or her life.

An adoptive parent or foster parent might notice that a teenager remains immature in different areas of his or her life. For example, a teenage girl might need to go to bed snuggling with a teddy bear every night. A teenage boy might show more interest in games that appeal to a seven-year-old child than to games intended for teens his own age.

Trauma Tuesday: Importance of Believing Your Abused Child

FaithA — Tue, 16 Dec 2008 07:15:06 -0600

I have previously written about the importance of believing your abused child if he tells you about an abuse he suffered that was not included in his file when you fostered or adopted him. Unfortunately, the information that the social workers know could merely be the tip of the iceberg.

As your abused child begins to feel safe in your loving care, he might become ready to begin working through the traumas that he suffered while he was living in an abusive environment. He might have had no conscious memory of those abuses as they were taking place. This is a normal reaction to trauma.

A child is helpless and unable to stop the abuse. He must find a way to survive the abuse while appearing “normal” to the outside world. So, he dissociates the trauma and does not talk or think about it again until he is ready to begin healing.

Trauma Tuesday: Sexually Abused Children and Frequent Masturbation

FaithA — Tue, 09 Dec 2008 07:15:04 -0600

I received an email asking me to tackle the difficult topic of parenting the sexually abused child who frequently masturbates. Unfortunately, sexually abused children who frequently masturbate generally do not restrict this private activity to their bedrooms or bathroom when they are alone. They might engage in this behavior in the classroom, at a public park, or pretty much wherever they happen to be at the time they feel the urge (the compulsion) to do it.

Dealing with this behavior is understandably stressful for the foster or adoptive parent. There is the embarrassment factor of receiving phone calls from the school that little Johnny or Suzy is at it again. While this is bad enough, public masturbation can be dangerous to the child. If a pedophile sees a child masturbating in a public place, he is going to be drawn to abusing that child (if he can get an opportunity) like a moth is drawn to a flame.

Why do some sexually abused children frequently masturbate? This is not an easy question with an easy answer.

Trauma Tuesday: Abused Adopted Children Who “Mirror” Their Peers

FaithA — Tue, 02 Dec 2008 07:15:03 -0600

If you are parenting an abused adopted child, particularly a child who experienced trauma between the ages of six and twelve, you might notice that your child “mirrors” his or her peers. The child can be like a chameleon – intellectual with adults, very silly with younger children, and insolent like a particular peer group – depending upon who he is hanging around at the moment. Who your adopted child seems to be is reflective of who he is spending his time with at the moment.

Mirroring is a common phenomenon among abused children. Between the ages of six and twelve, children who are living in functional families are given the freedom and opportunity to take risks as they develop their social skills. They experiment with what works and what doesn’t as they interact with their peers, and then they develop their own style for how to interact with the world.

This process is stunted for children who are living in abusive households.

Trauma Tuesday: Thanksgiving and the Abused Adopted Child

FaithA — Tue, 25 Nov 2008 07:15:05 -0600

If you are parenting an abused adopted child, you might notice that your child is acting a little differently as Thanksgiving approaches. Perhaps your adopted child is becoming more withdrawn, or perhaps your adopted child is having more behavioral issues. This is a normal reaction for an abused child as Thanksgiving approaches.

From what I understand, Thanksgiving is a positive time for people who grew up in functional families. Each Thanksgiving is a time to reflect upon past Thanksgivings and the wonderful times that your family has shared over the years. This is not the case for abused children.

When an abused adopted child thinks about past Thanksgivings, all sorts of horrors might come to mind. There is the Thanksgiving when Dad broke baby brother’s ribs after baby brother spilled the gravy on the tablecloth. There is the Thanksgiving where the abused child went hungry because Mom was too drunk or high to prepare any meal at all. There is the Thanksgiving in which Uncle Ted locked the abused child in the bathroom and did things to the child’s body that hurt and caused deep shame. These are not occasions that the abused child wants to commemorate.

Trauma Tuesday: Orgasms During Rape and Sexual Abuse

FaithA — Tue, 18 Nov 2008 07:15:04 -0600

Today I am going to talk about a very difficult topic. Those of you who read my blog regularly know that I do not shy away from the tough topics. Today’s topic is definitely a tough one: orgasms during rape and sexual abuse. Most people don’t want to think about orgasms during rape and sexual abuse, much less talk about it, but you need to be aware that this happens if you are parenting a child who has been sexually abused.

The ugly reality is that most children who are sexually abused or raped on a regular basis experienced an orgasm, anywhere from one time to multiple times, while they were being sexually abused. As you can imagine, experiencing an orgasm while being abused is confusing at best to an abused child. It causes the child to question whether he really liked the abuse after all and whether the abuse was his fault.

You, as the adoptive or foster parent, need to know that experiencing an orgasm during rape or sexual abuse is both normal and common.

Trauma Tuesday: Hoarding, OCD, and the Abused Adopted Child

FaithA — Tue, 11 Nov 2008 07:15:16 -0600

Most people have heard of obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). When they think of OCD, they think of an adopted child who must lock the door three times or keep the objects in her room in a particular order.

OCD is common in abused adopted children. OCD is an anxiety disorder, and abused children frequently struggle with deep levels of anxiety. One way that abused children manage their anxiety is through OCD symptoms. By controlling things that most people do not care about, they feel like they are taking control over their own lives. This is very important to an abused child whose life has been out of control.

One manifestation of OCD that many people are not aware of is called “hoarding.” Hoarding is when an abused adopted child must stockpile a whole bunch of a particular item. If anyone tampers with the stockpile, the abused child can become agitated to the point of having a panic attack.

I have an issue with hoarding pens.

Trauma Tuesday: Abused Child’s Sense of Loss for What Should Have Been

FaithA — Tue, 04 Nov 2008 06:45:04 -0600

On her blog, Julia wrote a blog entry entitled Adoptees, How Can Adoptive Parents Help Alleviate Identity Issues in Their Children? In the comments, AmyAdoptee wrote the following:

There is this young boy on the ranch. Abuse situation. Honestly his "birth" mother's rights should have been terminated years ago because she gave him an adult dose of meth. However I see in him a sense of loss. Even though logically he will understand why her rights were terminated, he will still mourn what might have been or even what should have been.

I would like to focus on this sense of loss in this blog entry.

All abused children feel a sense of loss, whether they are ultimately adopted into a loving home or not. I was never removed from my abusive home, although I should have been, and I have had to work through an enormous amount of loss. Being forced to stay connected to my biological mother/abuser only made the loss greater, not less.

The loss is about what should have been.

Trauma Tuesday: Abused Child and Halloween

FaithA — Tue, 28 Oct 2008 06:54:01 -0500

If you are parenting an abused child, you might notice that your abused child does not enjoy Halloween as much as other children do. While your abused child might enjoy the candy, other aspects of Halloween might be very triggering for your child.

Abused children rely upon being able to read facial expressions to determine whether they are safe. Their abusers would get a particular look on their faces before they harmed the child. As a result, most abused children are masters at reading faces and are hypervigelent about using this skill.

Of course, wearing masks and disguising faces is a big part of the fun of Halloween. This is not fun for the abused child. Masks succeed in hiding the facial features of the people around the abused child, which leaves the child feeling extremely vulnerable.

If you are parenting an abused child, do not wear a mask for Halloween. Make sure that your abused child can easily read your face at all times. This will be extremely reassuring to your child as he ventures out on Halloween night unable to read the faces of the people around him. At least he will know that he is safe around you.

Trauma Tuesday: Is a Two-Parent Home Always Best for Adopted Traumatized Children?

FaithA — Tue, 21 Oct 2008 06:45:03 -0500

On FosterMommy’s blog entry entitled Just How Bad Can Life Be With An Adopted Traumatized Child?, John wrote the following comment:

Another issue is the idea that surely a two-parent family is always best. Some children, particularly boys, may not be able to accept a Mom in their lives, due to damage they have suffered. Putting a child like that in a 'surely better' home sets the family up for failure and the child also.

Many in the adoption community believe that a two-parent home is best for all children. This is not necessarily case. If a child was repeatedly abused by members of only one gender, the child might never be able to let down her guard while living in a home with an adoptive parent of that gender. However, if the child is adopted by a single parent of the opposite gender, the child might have a much better chance of feeling safe in that home.

You also need to consider the health of the marriage.