Trauma Thursday

Trauma Thursday: The “Perfect” Child

FaithA — Thu, 01 Jan 2009 07:15:04 -0600

When people think about parenting an abused child, they often fear the worst – drug addiction, defiance, etc. However, not every abused child falls under this umbrella. Many abused children go to the opposite extreme, seeking to be the “perfect” child.

Those who parent a “perfect” child might feel extremely blessed. These children are significantly easier to parent. They get straight A’s, never cause any trouble, and are completely obedient. In some ways, it can even be like parenting a Stepford child.

Many people make the mistake of believing that a “perfect” child has not been harmed by the abuse, but this assumption is way off base. The “perfect” child is just as broken as the defiant child, but people are unlikely to help the child heal because they do not see the wounds.

Trauma Thursday: Telling the Adopted Child Painful Truths

FaithA — Thu, 18 Dec 2008 07:15:21 -0600

On Trauma Tuesday, I talked about the importance of believing your foster or adopted abused child when he tells you about traumas that he suffered. I also addressed a question that a reader posted about how to talk with the child about why his birth mother placed him for adoption but chose to parent his bio sibling.

Especially with foster adoption, adoptive parents are often put in the position of having to share painful truths with a child. However, this burden is not limited to foster adoption. For example, adoptive parents who adopted an infant through a private infant adoption might have to face telling a child that he was conceived through rape or incest.

Nobody likes to be the bearer of bad news, but it is our responsibility as foster or adoptive parents to share painful truths with our children when the adopted child is ready to process that information. The news is going to be painful no matter when and how the adopted child hears it, but we, as the adoptive parents, can present the information in a way that minimizes the pain and can provide the adopted child with a safe place to fall apart as he processes the news.

Trauma Thursday: When Abused Adopted Child’s Traumas Trigger Your Own Issues

FaithA — Thu, 11 Dec 2008 07:15:04 -0600

Many people who adopt abused children were once abused themselves. Those who know the pain of experiencing child abuse often have the most compassionate hearts for abused children, so it makes sense that they would want to provide the safe and loving home to an adopted child that they, themselves, never enjoyed.

Unfortunately, if you are parenting an abused child and were abused yourself, you are going to run into some issues along the way. Some issues that your adopted child has to deal with are going to trigger issues in you. This will put you in the position of needing to nurture your abused child while you also nurture yourself.

It is normal for adult survivors of child abuse to feel triggered whenever they are faced with something that reminds them of the trauma that they suffered.

Trauma Thursday: Helping Abused Adopted Child Fight Suicidal Urges

FaithA — Thu, 04 Dec 2008 07:15:04 -0600

One of the scariest issues that adoptive and foster parents face when parenting an abused child is dealing with the child’s suicidal urges. Unfortunately, suicidal urges are a normal aftereffect of child abuse. If your adopted child experienced child abuse, particularly severe child abuse, then you are likely to have to deal with your child’s suicidal urges at some point.

Suicidal urges are normal for child abuse survivors and, contrary to popular belief, do not indicate a desire to die. Instead, the abused child is in so much emotional pain that he is willing to do anything, even commit suicide, to make the pain stop. If the abused child cannot figure out another way to manage the emotional pain, then he is more likely to go through with attempting suicide.

The first thing you need to know as a parent is to take all suicidal comments seriously.

Trauma Thursday: How to Help Abused Adopted Child Get Through Thanksgiving

FaithA — Thu, 27 Nov 2008 07:15:03 -0600

As I shared on Trauma Tuesday in my blog entry entitled Trauma Tuesday: Thanksgiving and the Abused Adopted Child, Thanksgiving can be a difficult day for the abused adopted child. While the rest of the family has wonderful associations with Thanksgiving, the holiday can dredge up all sorts of unpleasant memories for any adopted child who has been traumatized. What can you do to help your abused adopted children get through Thanksgiving?

1. Do not “force” the abused child to “enjoy” Thanksgiving.

My experience has been that I cannot take a day, such as Thanksgiving, that is filled with negative associations and turn it into a positive experience overnight. That would be like driving a car down a one-way street and then trying to do a U-turn without slowing down. It simply does not work.

Instead, I need to allow myself to have a neutral experience with the holiday so I have one memory that does not involve pain or trauma. This helps to slow the car down. As I continue to build positive memories, I am slowly able to do the U-turn.

2. Encourage the abused child to express his emotions.

All traumas come with very deep and painful emotions.

Trauma Thursday: How to Help Abused Child Deal With Orgasm During Sexual Abuse

FaithA — Thu, 20 Nov 2008 07:15:03 -0600

On Trauma Tuesday, I talked about a difficult topic: Trauma Tuesday: Orgasms during Rape and Sexual Abuse. See that blog entry for an explanation of how experiencing orgasms during rape and sexual abuse messes with a child’s head. In this blog entry, I am going to focus on how you, as the foster or adoptive parent, can help your abused adopted child heal the wounds that resulted from experiencing orgasms during sexual abuse.

1. Explain that having orgasms during rape or sexual abuse is normal.

Most adult survivors of sexual abuse are not aware that experiencing orgasms during sexual abuse is normal, so most abused children are not going to know this, either. Reassure your abused child that his body reacted just like anyone else’s body would have responded to sexual stimulation. He bears no shame in having experienced an orgasm while being sexually abused.

2. Tell your abused child that the sexual abuse was not her fault.

Even if the child experienced an orgasm with every single rape, the child was still not responsible for being raped.

Trauma Thursday: Flashbacks, Amnesia, and “Samantha Who?”

FaithA — Thu, 13 Nov 2008 07:15:03 -0600

I am a big fan of the television show Samantha Who?, which stars Christina Applegate as a “bad girl” who got hit by a car, lost her memory, and is now a “good girl” trying to figure out who she is. In each episode, the amnesiac Samantha experiences a flashback in which she remembers being an incredibly self-centered and mean person. The Samantha today is starry-eyed and sweet. Trying to merge together who Samantha was with who Samantha is today is at the core of the show.

What does this have to do with adoption? If you are parenting an abused child, it has everything to do with it. While Samantha Who? is a comedy and not looking to “go deep,” it provides a wonderful representation of what it is like to deal with flashbacks.

Trauma Thursday: Lost Developmental Stages of Abused Children

FaithA — Thu, 06 Nov 2008 06:15:04 -0600

On Trauma Tuesday, I talked about the sense of loss that all abused children experience, whether they are ultimately adopted or not, in my blog entry entitled Trauma Tuesday: Abused Child’s Sense of Loss for What Should Have Been. In this blog entry, I am going to explain some of the lost stages of development that contribute to an abused child’s sense of loss.

The best resource I have found that identifies these lost stages is the book Beyond Integration by Doris Bryant and Judy Kessler. The book is about a woman’s experiences with healing after integrating from dissociative identity disorder (DID). This book is a great resource for anyone parenting an adopted child who experienced severe abuse, whether or not the child has DID.

Trauma Thursday: Halloween Costumes and the Abused Child

FaithA — Thu, 30 Oct 2008 07:00:03 -0500

If you are parenting an abused child, you might learn a lot about your child by the costume that he or she chooses to wear for Halloween. Oftentimes, the subconscious can drive the decision-making process. You might be certain that your little boy will choose a Pokemon character because he is so into Pokemon, but he instead chooses to dress up like the bad guy from the movie, Scream.

From my teen years forward, I mostly did not dress up for Halloween. If I did, I would only choose one of two costumes: a little girl or a slut. If I dressed as a little girl, I would put my hair in pigtails. It really did make me look very young. The slut costume pretty much speaks for itself. I dress conservatively, so jaws would drop when I showed up to Halloween parties as a slut.

Last year was the first Halloween in which I dressed up as something other than one of those two choices.

Trauma Thursday: Defining Success in Parenting the Traumatized Adopted Child

FaithA — Thu, 23 Oct 2008 06:45:05 -0500

Julia wrote a power blog entry asked What Is a Successful Adoption of an Older Child?. Linny posted some comments about her own experiences. I have known Linny for several years and was along for the ride for some of her issues, so I understand where her comments are coming from.

As an adult who was once a traumatized child, I would like to share my own view on this topic. I truly believe that there are no lost causes. I do not believe that there is any one form of abuse that is the nail in the coffin on a child’s ability to grow into a functional adult.

I believe this because, if there were a profile that was beyond healing, that would have been mine.