Melinda Warshaw

GUEST BLOG - A Legitimate Life: A Forbidden Journey of Self Discovery

GuestBlogger — Mon, 05 Jan 2009 07:15:03 -0600

Our Guestblogger today is Melinda Warshaw, an adoptee in a closed domestic adoption. She is active in adoption law reform in NY, and also the regional coordinator for Westchester for Unsealed Initiative to pass a bill of adoptee rights in NY. Melinda has two sons aged thirty and twenty-eight. This is the autobiography of her search for her lost self as an adoptee in a closed adoption. We are honored that she has given us the opportunity to post her manuscript on our website. The manuscript will be presented in chapters twice a week – Monday and Friday.

To read the first installment, click here. The rest of the installments can be found here.

Melinda A. Warshaw

Chapter Eight: California or Bust (continued from here)

At thirteen, I was part actress playing the role of someone’s daughter, Gloria Vanderbilt, a stripper, and would soon be adding the mythical California girl to the mix. We were headed to God’s country, the northern peninsula of California, the land of the infamous Carol Doda performing topless on Broadway in San Francisco, as well as Stanford University, SRI (Stanford Research Institute) the home of artificial intelligence, the Linear Excellerator, the hippies, the peaceniks, Silicon Valley, Linus Pauling, the computer and the Los Angeles-based Charles Manson family.

We finally pulled into the driveway of our new home in affluent Atherton to see a stunning, sprawling, modern, California ranch house made of old gray barn wood. We lived right across from the Shah of Iran’s hideous flamingo pink stucco palace. The new house was on one floor except for my room, which was up the stairs right over the kitchen. The rest of the bedrooms were on the other side of the house off the lanai. It was great for me even though my room was really for the help because Rob’s bedroom was now on the other side of the house.

We had a heated pool, a pool house, a lanai, and one acre in the back and one in front. I hoped there was enough room for a horse. The grounds were filled with olive, lemon, apricot trees and to my dismay there was no place for a horse. Mother was thrilled with the fragrant gardenia bushes, eucalyptus and acacia trees around the pool. She even had her very own Chinese gardener. Fresh flowers went into her Steuben glass vases in the prettiest floral arrangements, even in the powder room and of course all the Kroehler furniture and antiques were there too. The fragrance from the gardenias wafted through the air like perfume. I loved the heated pool and a room to myself away from Rob.

GUEST BLOG - A Legitimate Life: A Forbidden Journey of Self Discovery

GuestBlogger — Fri, 02 Jan 2009 07:15:03 -0600

Our Guestblogger today is Melinda Warshaw, an adoptee in a closed domestic adoption. She is active in adoption law reform in NY, and also the regional coordinator for Westchester for Unsealed Initiative to pass a bill of adoptee rights in NY. Melinda has two sons aged thirty and twenty-eight. This is the autobiography of her search for her lost self as an adoptee in a closed adoption. We are honored that she has given us the opportunity to post her manuscript on our website. The manuscript will be presented in chapters twice a week – Monday and Friday. To read the first installment, click here. The rest of the installments can be found here.

Melinda A. Warshaw

CHAPTER EIGHT: California or Bust (continued from here)

The fire engine red 1959 Bonneville Pontiac convertible rolled down the driveway of our home as Mother took us on a long cross-country ride to what she called God’s country in the Bay area of Northern California. Reaching out of the car window I waved good-bye to our beautiful, empty house and watched my life fade to black. Even though I was losing my best friend, my beloved Joy Ella, the only person I could talk about Mama to or feel safe with, my flannel security blanket, my horse, my career as a horse trainer and professional competitive rider, and my future, it was supposed to be great because we had a pool and a beautiful house in sunny California to look forward to and no snow! I didn’t even notice we’d left the hot chocolate, snow ice cream we made every winter with fresh snow and vanilla extract, winter coats and gloves, sleds and skis, my formal riding habit, ballet slippers and pink toe shoes behind.

GUEST BLOG - A Legitimate Life: A Forbidden Journey of Self Discovery

GuestBlogger — Mon, 29 Dec 2008 07:15:05 -0600

Melinda A. Warshaw

Chapter Seven: Family Traditions (continued from here)

I knew he had hidden a Playboy magazine under his bed because I snuck into his room and looked at it. Even so I was afraid to tell on him because if he ever told Mother what I had done or was doing I thought I might die or be sent away to God knows where. I was his accomplice and helped him catch a feel so he would leave me alone.

“Come into my room and get into bed with me. I want to show you something I learned from Tod,” he asked me one night where Mother and Father were at a party and Joy Ella was way up in the attic and Darin was asleep.

GUEST BLOG - A Legitimate Life: A Forbidden Journey of Self Discovery

GuestBlogger — Fri, 19 Dec 2008 07:15:18 -0600

Our Guestblogger today isMelinda Warshaw, an adoptee in a closed domestic adoption. She is active in adoption law reform in NY, and also the regional coordinator for Westchester for Unsealed Initiative to pass a bill of adoptee rights in NY. Melinda has two sons aged thirty and twenty-eight. This is the autobiography of her search for her lost self as an adoptee in a closed adoption. We are honored that she has given us the opportunity to post her manuscript on our website. The manuscript will be presented in chapters twice a week – Monday and Friday.

Melinda A. Warshaw

Chapter Seven: Family Tradition (continued from here)

Christmas was the time I could really get Father’s attention. I could match Father with my depth of thought but could never really tell him what I really wanted to discuss which was adoption my secret and favorite subject. Mother always drank too much, got jealous and interrupted our discussions. Existentialism didn’t quite go deep enough for my questions as an adoptee. I never discussed being adopted with him because he made me act like his own daughter even though deep down we both knew it was a charade. He also was convinced that Man is born evil. Rob was a testament to that I thought.

I didn’t know for sure that Father was a womanizer and an alcoholic playboy until after Mother died. Her best friend told me about him. Our family had such an amazing façade of normalcy. The image that comes to mind is one of a blind person wearing bifocals. Denial was just a way of life for all of us.

When Mother drank she became mean and said insensitive things to hurt my feelings. I never really allowed her to get close to me then though I was in awe of her. Her personality would change from sweet and caring to angry and mean when she drank. She was too critical, and I didn’t altogether trust or understand her. She thought I was too sensitive.

GUEST BLOG - A Legitimate Life: A Forbidden Journey of Self Discovery

GuestBlogger — Mon, 15 Dec 2008 12:19:33 -0600

Melinda A. Warshaw

CHAPTER SEVEN: Family Tradition (continued from here)

It was Father’s job to put the colored lights on the giant Fraser Fir tree each year which had to be perfectly symmetrical for Mother. He played carols for us on the Hammond organ and then later the accordion while puffing on one of his expensive Cuban cigars every Christmas Eve. The faraway look in his eyes was brought on by too much bourbon and his family’s childhood memories during the holidays. Mother decorated our living room fireplace mantel with freshly cut pine garlands, huge pine cones, ornaments and the antique crèche filled with real hay and placed a fragrant della robia wreath filled with seed pods, fruit and nuts on the front door.

“Bob, where is the frankincense and myrrh for the Wise Men?” asked Mother.

“I don’t have any this year. Why don’t you use some oregano and sage Dear?” Father suggested jokingly.

“What is frank…incense and myrrh?” I asked Mother but she ignored my question and muttered, “How could she know?” to Father for some reason.

“Children your father will arrange the tree lights on the tree, and I will put the hand blown glass ornaments from Germany that your Aunt Dorothy gave us on the branches. Bob, put the tree topper on the tree top,” she instructed.

“How odd, this ornament is shaped like the spike on a Prussian officer’s helmet?” Mother said as she nervously handed it to Father while gulping her cocktail in the other hand, ignoring my question.

GUEST BLOG - A Legitimate Life: A Forbidden Journey of Self Discovery

GuestBlogger — Fri, 12 Dec 2008 07:15:04 -0600

Our Guestblogger today is Melinda Warshaw ,an adoptee in a closed domestic adoption. She is active in adoption law reform in NY, and also the regional coordinator for Westchester for Unsealed Initiative to pass a bill of adoptee rights in NY. Melinda has two sons aged thirty and twenty-eight. This is the autobiography of her search for her lost self as an adoptee in a closed adoption. We are honored that she has given us the opportunity to post her manuscript on our website. The manuscript will be presented in chapters twice a week – Monday and Friday.

Melinda A. Warshaw

Chapter Six: Secrets (continued from here)

Others told me I was a gifted artist, but my parents never did. I was not satisfied with being told I was God’s child and my gifts came from God. Maybe that was true, but I was also someone’s earthly child and knew I must have inherited my looks, my personality and my talents from them. Certainly my mama would have known it.

I was being forced to become two people. One was the adoptee who had to take on a false self for Mother and become the daughter she never had; and the other one was my authentic genetic self who was basically encoded in my genes and hidden at relinquishment - the person I was naturally meant to be. It was like being schizophrenic in a way. Juggling the two selves required courage and immense effort because each had a different agenda.

You would think Mother would have caught on but she was oblivious. She had her own demons. She was too busy trying to keep up her image and her own sanity. Father spent most of his time away and so did she. They managed to come together for cocktails before and after dinner.

“Your father should have married someone who would stay home and darn his socks like his sister! His parents are cold hard-headed Germans and never show affection,” she said angrily to me so he would overhear her one night before dinner when she was drunk.

GUEST BLOG - A Legitimate Life: A Forbidden Journey of Self Discovery

GuestBlogger — Mon, 08 Dec 2008 21:37:11 -0600

Our Guestblogger today is Melinda Warshaw ,an adoptee in a closed domestic adoption. She is active in adoption law reform in NY, and also the regional coordinator for Westchester for Unsealed Initiative to pass a bill of adoptee rights in NY. Melinda has two sons aged thirty and twenty-eight. This is the autobiography of her search for her lost self as an adoptee in a closed adoption. We are honored that she has given us the opportunity to post her manuscript on our website. The manuscript will be presented in chapters twice a week – Monday and Friday.

Chapter Six: Secrets (continued from here)

I hugged that mink coat for dear life and shrieked into the fur so no one would hear me. The soft fur muffled the loud sound of my hysteria. Hiding inside it made me feel safe. This is when I decided Little Red Riding Hood was not very smart and in my mind decided to protect myself by becoming a sheep in a wolf’s suit, metaphorically speaking.

Climbing up to hide in the fifty foot pine treetop in the back acreage if Rob and I were alone in the house together was a good hiding place. I climbed up the branches and sat at the very top of the pine tree on a little plywood seat with a bicycle bell attached to it that Rob made. He could build anything like Father. I hugged the tree trunk and loved to sway in the wind while tears streamed down my face. The sound of the wind through the trees was so peaceful and comforting. The sight of Mr. Kettering’s mansion made me wish he was my father and that I could live there with him far away from Rob. I felt close to nature and pleaded with God to help me find Mama while daydreaming of being with her safe and warm. I trembled and rang SOS in Morse code on the bell hoping she would hear me. My protectors were gone. When I heard Joy Ella call me or ring the big bell outside, I knew it was safe to come inside.

GUEST BLOG - A Legitimate Life: A Forbidden Journey of Self Discovery

GuestBlogger — Fri, 05 Dec 2008 06:54:45 -0600

Our Guestblogger today is Melinda Warshaw ,an adoptee in a closed domestic adoption. She is active in adoption law reform in NY, and also the regional coordinator for Westchester for Unsealed Initiative to pass a bill of adoptee rights in NY. Melinda has two sons aged thirty and twenty-eight. This is the autobiography of her search for her lost self as an adoptee in a closed adoption. We are honored that she has given us the opportunity to post her manuscript on our website. The manuscript will be presented in chapters twice a week – Monday and Friday.

Melinda A. Warshaw

Chapter Six: Secrets (continued from here)

My fear and distrust of men grew due to the shear violence, threats and terror from Rob’s abuse and so did my nightmares. The worst one was being kidnapped and pulled into a man’s car while I was walking to elementary school. My plan of escape was to open the door and roll out on the pavement at the first stop sign. It always worked, and I got away. Waking up was always a relief.

GUEST BLOG: Who Am I? An Adoptee Talks Frankly and Painfully About her Search for her Identity

GuestBlogger — Wed, 03 Dec 2008 19:36:52 -0600

I just wish my aparents (adoptive parents) had known how to talk to me about being adopted. It is so important for an adoptee to hear real answers to their questions about who they are and have it acknowledged by their adopters (adoptive parents) that they have a real (I know this is hard for adopters to hear) mother and father and extended family that are missing in their life. Adoptees will want and need to know who they take after and especially where and who their natural mother is and what she looks like and where she comes from.

When an adoptee looks in a mirror they need to know that they look like their DNA ancestors in so many important ways: same eyes, same talents, same personality (good or bad), same taste in clothes, food etc and on and on. It is so important for an adopter not to lie to them and force them to believe they are the same as their adopter and adoptive relatives...that hurts the child's sense of self. The adoptee is a reflection of all their genetic relatives plus adoptive relatives.

GUEST BLOG - A Legitimate Life: A Forbidden Journey of Self Discovery

GuestBlogger — Mon, 01 Dec 2008 05:06:55 -0600

Our Guestblogger today is Melinda Warshaw in a closed domestic adoption. She is active in adoption law reform in NY, and also the regional coordinator for Westchester for Unsealed Initiative to pass a bill of adoptee rights in NY. Melinda has two sons aged thirty and twenty-eight. This is the autobiography of her search for her lost self as an adoptee in a closed adoption. We are honored that she has given us the opportunity to post her manuscript on our website. The manuscript will be presented in chapters twice a week – Monday and Friday.

Melinda A. Warshaw

CHAPTER SEVEN: Family Tradition (contined from here)

“Bob, where is the frankincense and myrrh for the Wise Men?” asked Mother.

“I don’t have any this year. Why don’t you use some oregano and sage Dear?” Father suggested jokingly.

“What is frank…incense and myrrh?” I asked Mother but she ignored my question and muttered, “How could she know?” to Father for some reason.