Open Adoption

Adoptees and Broken Trust

GuestBlogger — Wed, 19 Nov 2008 07:15:06 -0600

Our Guestblogger today is Melinda Warshaw, an adoptee in a closed domestic adoption. She is active in adoption law reform in NY, and also the regional coordinator for Westchester for Unsealed Initiative to pass a bill of adoptee rights in NY.

Dr. James Dobson, Founder and Chairman of Focus on the Family says adoptive parents can be vague and hold back the truth from the adoptee. He says they don't have to acknowledge adoptees were born from another mother and father. He has it all wrong about adoptees and so did the late Dr Milton Levine, a New York pediatrician who wrote books and offered advice on raising children.

Adopted Child: “Is That My Birthmother on the Phone?”

FaithA — Wed, 15 Oct 2008 06:54:02 -0500

The phone rang absurdly early on Monday morning. I waited for the Caller ID to identify who would be calling at 7:00 a.m. When I saw who it was, I said to myself, “Oh, that’s Y,” and picked up the phone. My adopted child heard what I said and thought that I said T instead of Y. T is my adopted child’s birthmother.

We had a semi-open adoption with T. She asked for pictures and letters every other month for the first year and then twice a year thereafter. We followed through with our end of the agreement.

Unfortunately, when my adopted child was three years old, T moved away and left no forwarding address, which effectively closed our adoption.

How to Address a Dear Birthmother Letter

JulieC — Fri, 26 Sep 2008 17:05:16 -0500

In my last blog about Dear Birthmother Letters, we went over why a Dear Birthmother letter should not be addressed as such, but just in case you missed that blog, and are feeling to lazy to click on the link, we will go over the basic idea right here one more time.

She is not yet a birthmother, she has not yet given birth, nor has she relinquished a child for adoption, therefore we do not want to start the letter off calling her something that is, in its entirety, completely false. When addressing a Dear Birthmother letter, if you are going to refer to the possible placing mother in the greeting, you want to refer to her as what she is, and not what she isn’t.

Here are some examples on how you can address your Dear Birthmother Letter:

Dear Expecting Mother,
Dear Concerned Mother,
Dear Potential Birthmother, (if you absolutely must use it, at least use it right!)
Hello,
Hi,
Greetings!
Salutations!
Hi there!
Welcome to our Family,
The story of us,
This is who we are,

Guest Blog: De-freakify Open Adoption - Two Mothers, One Daughter

GuestBlogger — Wed, 17 Sep 2008 09:08:51 -0500

Guest blogger Lori blogs from Denver about adoption and mindful living at Weebles Wobblog and about her twisty journey to become a mom at Drama 2B Mama. She also dishes about good buys at All Thumbs Reviews.

If I call her "my daughter's other mother" it may seem different from what it is. I met Crystal because we each had a problem. Mine had nooks with crannies, and hers had crannies with nooks. Our oddly- shaped problems fit together, and we became each other's solution.

Seven years ago, I was experiencing the famine that is infertility; Crystal was dealing with the feast that is an unintended pregnancy, while living in an untenable situation. In a way, we share a daughter. It might seem normal for the story to have ended back where it began — with a tiny, squalling baby. One of us leaving the hospital with Tessa, and the other going home empty-armed. A winner and a loser. But nothing about our situation has been "normal."

We have forged an unlikely friendship over the years as we continually create our open adoption. We do this for Tessa, but also for ourselves. While there is not really a word to describe our relationship — sister is not accurate, friend is insufficient — we continue to define the previously undefined. I love my daughter's birthmom. It's that simple, yet there are layers of complexity. (I tell the full story of our triad at Drama 2B Mama, with the story of my son's adoption, as well).

Guest Blog: The Open Adoption Agreement

GuestBlogger — Wed, 10 Sep 2008 15:15:32 -0500

This Guest Blog comes to us today from AdoptionMuse an adoptive mother involved with open adoption, who writes:

If my own adoption story were a newspaper headline, it would read: Married Mother of Three Adopts "Virtual Twin" Daughters Via Domestic, Open Adoption in CA Then Gives Birth to Son at Same Hospital 23 Months Later!

Since 2002 I have been an advocate of open adoption and in my AdoptionMuse blog (formerly on TypePad) I'll continue to write about open adoption and family.

When adoptive parents approach open adoption, they are encouraged to make something called an Open Adoption Agreement. This agreement is not legally binding, but it is supposed to lay the groundwork for future contact between the adoptive family and biological family members. Typically, the agreement will call for an exchange of photos and letters, phone calls and perhaps some carefully monitored visits. In my family, a mixture of willingness and luck led us to some extraordinary relationship-building to the point where we now consider the birth families to be extended family members.

Dear Adoption Maharishi: What Should I Say to an Expecting Mother?

Adoption_Maharishi — Wed, 10 Sep 2008 08:45:03 -0500

Dear Adoption Maharishi,

My husband and I have been matched with an expecting mother. This is our first time through the adoption process, and I am very nervous about meeting the expecting mother. I don’t know what to say and what not to say. Any advice?

-- Hopeful Adoptive Mother

Parenting Lessons

GuestBlogger — Sat, 23 Aug 2008 17:52:28 -0500

Today's guest blogger is Patricia Dischler, the author of "Because I Loved You: A Birthmother's View of Open Adoption", a speaker, child care professional and birthmother. Read more from Patricia here.

Every parent wishes their child came to them with instructions. We all struggle with choices regarding our child and raising them. We all worry about them. We let our love for them guide us as we tumble along that road of "parent" and try our best, praying we don't mess up too badly. To my surprise, my children were not born with instruction manuals either! But over time, what I realized is that the instruction manual was in front of me years before they were even born: my parents. Watching our own parents, learning from their successes and failures, is one of the best parenting guides we can find. It is the real world, honest, day to day execution of the toughest job on this earth: parenting.

Even better, is that we get what I would call "supplemental journals" for this parenting guide. They are all the other people in our lives that are parents as well. We can learn from each and every one of them.

My own parents provided a wealth of information regarding parenting dos and don'ts.

Adoptive Parent Divisiveness: Open Versus Non-Open Adoptions

FaithA — Fri, 22 Aug 2008 06:45:04 -0500

I have been active online in the adoption community for several years, both with message boards (both public and private) and with adoption blogs. I have seen a lot of divisiveness over the years, especially between different members of the adoption triad. The area of divisiveness that surprises me the most is the two camps of adoptive parents in open adoptions versus non-open adoptions. I honestly do not understand why we need to have two camps.

Some of my favorite blogs and posts to read are those written by people who are part of a successful open adoption. One example would be anything written by Patricia Dischler. Patricia is a birth mother who has an open adoption with her birth son’s family. Her warmth, and the warmth of all involved in that open adoption, shines through her writing.

I know some people in open adoptions that have been wonderful success stories. I know other people who have been burned by open adoptions. Most of the people I know I fall somewhere in the middle, with open adoptions presenting challenges that come into play with pretty much any close relationship.

Dear Adoption Maharishi: Should I Agree to a Semi-Open Adoption?

Adoption_Maharishi — Wed, 30 Jul 2008 08:54:02 -0500

Dear Adoption Maharishi,

Before signing with an adoption agency to adopt a baby, my husband and I always thought we would have a closed adoption. We had never even heard of any other type of adoption until going through the home study. The social worker is telling us that most adoptions with this agency are semi-open. If we insist upon a closed adoption, we will be waiting a long time for a match.

I don’t know if I want to commit to sending pictures and letters for my child’s entire lifetime. Also, won’t the pictures just be painful for the birth mother to look at? Is a semi-open adoption really a good idea?

-- Empty Arms in Georgia

Chris Eubank Secretly Gives up Teenage Sons for Adoption

JulieC — Sun, 06 Jul 2008 17:18:55 -0500

Once upon a time he was a world famous, middle weight, boxing champion. Now he is a bankrupt ex boxer who travels the world, staying with wealthy friends, and occasionally keeping in contact with his two teenage sons, and the woman that he left them with.

After a brief encounter in the wee hours of the morning in a hotel lobby in Paris, Chris Eubanks swapped phone numbers with Irene Hutton, and the two began speaking regularly on the phone. They became such good friends in fact, that Eubanks arranged for his boys to fly out to Las Vegas for a summer holiday with Irene.